Cry Monday

6:49PM

Umiyak ako kanina.

Parang nagsusumbong lang. Di naman bago sakin ang pag-iyak. Malungkot man o masaya,umiiyak ako. Mas madalas na di ko mapigilan ang luha kapag nagkukwento ako tungkol sa mga masasayang bagay. Kesahodang sinuman ang makakita, basta masya ako, wapakels na. pero ang luha ng lungkot, iilan lang ang nakakakita. Kaya, iniiwasan ko din ang malasing, iba kasi ang trip ko pag lasing. (Friends, kung mabasa nyo man to, please…… secret na lang yun. Hahaha)

Mabalik tayo, umiyak ako kanina. Sa harap ng klase. Sa harap ng mga bata.

Dahil nakakainis. Nakakafrustrate. Ang sistema. Ang ugali ng ibang mga bata. Di ko na napigilan. Di ko yata sila kayang mahalin. Ayoko sila makita bukas. Ayoko na. Ilang beses ko na yan sinabi pero kinabuksan, papasok pa din ako. Katunayan nga, eto oh, gumagawa ako ng lesson plan para bukas.

Noong self-contained ang handle kong class, multimedia ang setup sa loob ng classroom at may routines ang mga bata. Nakakausap ko sila nang mahinahon. Alam nila ang oras para sa laro, nood, kanta at ang asal kapag may guro na sa harapan. May ADHD kid ako nun na kapag di sya mapakali sa upuan, tatayo sya sa harap at iikot nang iikot nang iikot. Pag lesson time na, uupo na sya.

Anong nangyari?

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, di ako nakakapagturo nang regular. Di nakakapasok sa mga klase na tuuruan ko. Di nakakausap ang mga bata tungkol sa dapat naming aralin.  Nakapagturo ako impromptu sa 2 lower grades na science classes. Ayun lang. impromptu dahil sinabi lang sakin ng grade chairman na ako magturo dahil wala sya sa araw na iyon dahil may dadaluhan silang Science Fair sa ibang school. Kasama nya ang ibang Science teachers at piling pupils na kalahok sa mga contests. Limang teachers ang wala nung araw na  yun, kapag ganun, we, the floating teachers usually get stucked at one classroom. Team-teaching cancelled. Self-contained classes activated. Ganun lang. Last  week, iba ang tunuruan ko, di nakapagturo at napagod sa workshop pero ok lang, na-meet ko si John Legend in person. It was a helluvah week ika nga. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayos lang, habol na lang kami ng mga kids.

Nakakamiss mapagod nang may kapararakan.

Akala ko talaga magiging ok na ngayong linggo. Paggising ko nga, bangon agad, luto tinola, saing ng kanin, assemble ng salad, ligo, bihis and hello school! Akala ko talaga, ready na ko. Pero hindi pala. For one, nawawala yung lesson plan ko. Hindi ko kasi yun inuuwi, piniprint ko lang ang lesson for the day, at dinidikit ko dun. Second, three teachers ang wala. Kami ng mga kasama ko, mas gusto naming nag-iikutan. Syempre, yun ang routine, yun ang sistema. Yun ang alam ng mga bata. Nakapagturo pa ko sa isang classroom. Yung pinakamaaga kong tinuturuan, pero pinuntahan ako ni chairman at sinabing, ako ang maghandle ng class nung teacher na absent at wala nang lipatan. Wala nang lipatan. Di ako prepared. Science lang ang ready ako. Yung class pa na ayaw ko. Oo, meron akong favorite class. Hindi ito ang pupuntahan ko ngayon.

Dumating ako sa classroom na may teacher pa sila. Pero may mga batang nakatayo na, nagbabangayan at paikut-ikot sa loob ng classroom. Pinakahirap akong disiplinahin sa loob si JC. Isa sya sa mga repeaters, isa sa pinakamalaki, isa rin sa pinakamadaldal at pinaka-siga. Di ko rin maramdamang teacher ang tingin nya sakin. Sa tindi ng kasungitan ko, di yata umuubra sa kanya. Sa kanya lang yata hindi. Ewan ko ba. Kapag Science class, dahil maiksi lang ang 40 minutes, natotolerate ko ang pagsagot-sagot nya. Nakakaya ko pang mapagsabihan sya nang malumanay, basta sabi ko, kaya pa yan, matuturuan ko pa sya. Iba ang araw na ito sa mga araw na 40 minutes ko lang syang kasama. Di sya mapakali, ang lakas ng boses. Di sumusunod. Sumasagot. Walang takot. Napuno na ko. Kinuha ko yung isang folder slide, pinukpok ko sa lamesa nya. Paulit-ulit. Tinakpan nya ang mukha nya. Gusto ko syang saktan. Gusto kong ipadama sa kanya ang frustration na nadadarama ko. Ang pagkadismaya sa sarili ko, sa sistema, at sa ugali nya. Yung tipong kapag nasaktan sya, kapag nakita nya ko kinabukasan, makikita ko ang takot sa mata nya na lumabag sa mga kasunduan naming sa loob ng silid kapag oras na ng Science- Papasok, Tatahimik, Makikinig, Susunod. Kung pwede lang sanang ganun. Pero hindi. Hindi ko sya pwedeng saktan. Hindi ko sya kayang saktan. Sa pagpukpok ko ng folder slide sa lamesa nya, halos madurog ito at di sinasadyang may parteng tumama sa gilid ng isang mata nya. Biglang sinubsob nya ang uo nya sa kanyang braso at umiiyak nang malakas. Malakas pa din kahit iniimpit nya.

Tumayo sya, “Kala mo kung sino ka! Gago ka! Nakakasakit ka na sa mata!”
 
“Oo, sino nga ba ko dito sa classroom na to? Ikaw ang tumayo sa harap, ako ang papalit sayo, ako ang magpapasaway para maranasan mo ang hirap na nararamdaman ko!” Hinila ko sya sa braso at pinilit na tumayo. Pero dahil malaki sya, nahirapan akong hilahin sya patayo.

Dun na ko bumigay.

“Hindi ako nagpunta sa classroom na to para sawayin kayo isa-isa. Hindi ako nagpunta dito para saktan kayo. Nandito ako para turuan kayo. Nung pumasok kayo sa silid na to bilang mga estudyante, alam ninyong kelangan nyong baunin ang disiplina para matuto kayo. Dapat alam nyo na ang tamang asal dahil alam kong nakakaintindi kayong mga bata. Hindi kayo bobo. Walang bobo. Tamad lang at walang disiplina. Nagpunta ko dito para magturo. Lahat kayo. Hindi pwedeng may maiwan. Kung ayaw mong matuto, hindi ka bagay sa classroom na to. Simula bukas, lalabas ka ng classroom na to, at sasama ka sa adviser mo. Kung paano ka matuto sa Science, gawan mo ng paraan.
Bumalik ka ng classroom na to kapag kaya mo nang idisiplina ang sarili mo.”

Pagkasabi nun, lumakad ako papunta sa lamesa ko sa likod. Ang tahimik ng classroom. Lahat ramdam kong nakatitig sakin habang nakatakip ako ng panyo at pinipigil ang mga luha.

Di ko na napigilan. Di ko ginustong masaktan sya. Pero naubos na ang pasensya ko.

Sobrang frustrating.

Bukas, handa na kong makita ang magulang nya. Kakausapin ako marahil. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko nga alam kung alam ng mga magulang nyang ganyan ang ugali nya.

Sana lang marealize nila kung bakit sila nasa paaralan. Naniniwala ako sa corporal punishment. Maraming kokontra for sure. Kasama yan sa tough love. Napalo ako nung bata ako ng mga magulang ko. Tuwing pinapalo ako, sinasabi sakin kung bakit. Sinasabi sakin kung anong mali ko at bakit ako umabot sa palo. Pero kaylanman, hindi ako napalo sa paaralan.

Bukas, sana may magbago para sa ikabubuti. Mahanap ko na din sana ang lesson plan ko. Bukas, sana may trabaho pa ko.

Bukas sana makapagturo na ko. Namimiss ko na sila.

Namimiss ko nang mapagod nang may kapararakan. Kahit hindi ko alam kung tunay ngang may kapararakan ang ginagawa kong ito.


7:50PM

Paggising, Bangon Agad!


As reflect on a few things I had learned this week, here are my three takeaways from someone I had met for the first time and had been generous enough to share things on how I could get started on building my life-long career. 


1.    Branch Out.
I had been used to thinking about the setbacks I could encounter whenever I think of trying out of something new. As you have said, I should never limit myself to things I thought I can or cannot do. Stop thinking about the challenges I may face if I choose one. I should lay all my options first.

2.    Internalize.
The question you’ve given, “Am I willing to do this every day of my life?”, is something I am asking myself. I try to ask myself more often this time. One thing is for sure, I want to go back to the corporate setting, but this time, I want to be part of more challenging tasks and not just someone who will sit at the corner part of the office and just do work. I want my corporate life to be meaningful and still be able to touch many lives for the better.

3.    Paggising, Bangon Agad!
 Getting up in the morning is really my ultimate struggle. However, once 
 I had got up, I just start moving. This one is a new mantra on my list J 

I am so grateful I had the chance to meet her. I look forward to more wonderful conversations with her and see my life unfold for the better.


Finding Meaning


Why do I teach? It is the meaning of my life.- Sir Pagsi

 Kapararakan. Rootword: “para” or for in English.

Ano nga ba ang kapararakan ng buhay? Buhay mo? Buhay ko?

Tuwing ikalawang Sabado ng buwan, mern kaming required gathering. This month, pinilit ko talagang makapunta dahil si Sir Pagsi ang speaker hindi dahil “Teaching as a Vocation” ang topic.

Onofre Pagsanghan ang buong pangalan nya. Nakilala sya bilang Sir Pagsi dahil sa isang Amerikanong pari na hindi mabigkas ang apelyido nya noong kabataan nya pa. Sa ngayon, siya ay 87 years old na. nasa ika-63 taong ng pagtuturo sa Ateneo De Manila High School Department. Section A lang talaga ang tinuturuan nya. Hindi matawaran ang kanyang galing sa pagtuturo ng Filipino at English. May tungkod na sya pag naglalakad, ngunit matikas pa din ang tindig sa entablado at buung-buo pa din ang boses. Tila may powers ang kanyang pagsasalita, you can’t help but stop and pay attention to every word he says.


*********

Why do I teach? It is the meaning of my life.- Sir Pagsi

Makes me ask myself again and again.

          Why do I teach?

          I love what I do but I can’t say YET that it is the meaning of my life.

          Why do I teach?

          Because I signed up for it. And when we signed up for something, we make sure to deliver what is expected of us.

          What do I live for?

Every day, I wake up, prepare my baon, cook breakfast, take a bath, go to school, teach kids, check papers, compute grades, get my salary, spend that hard-earned money, pay rent, work hard, get tired, sleep and the cycle goes on and on.

          Which of these actions do I live for?

The first word that comes to my mind is the verb “teach”. I sit here and try to find meaning in my life, while the kids are busy, drawing those animals on the board, a boy crying because his girl classmate pushed him. I sit and try to find meaning in my life while I look at these kids. I think right now, the meaning of life right at this moment—teaching.

          I try to teach kids to be observant of themselves and their surroundings, to look for patterns, comparison, similarities and differences. I teach them to become aware of what they do.

          Every “Cher, hindi ko kaya!” is answered by “Sinubukan mo na ba?”

          I find the meaning of my life whenever I see them try. I find fulfillment when I hear them say “Ang dali lang pala!” Later on, I will feel that I did a good job when they can already work in groups. That would mean, even without me, they can learn from each other. They would take care of each other.

          In a specific class, I find joy whenever they can identify letters and utter the sounds of each. I find joy whenever they can sit still and not fight with each other. Eventually, I could say, I had fulfilled my meaning if by the end of the year, they will be independent readers.

          I had willingly set aside my personal desires of travelling during weekends, spending for shoes, food and others. I am so grateful that my family understands my current situation. They haven’t asked for anything nor expect anything. I am grateful that my older brother, younger brother and sister have jobs and can provide for the family as I live the present meaning of my life.

          Will this present meaning of my life become the life-long meaning?

          I can’t tell yet.

I keep this passage as a reminder:

Philippians 4:6-7King James Version (KJV)
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Let me live today.
          Let me fulfill my meaning.


*******

Reflection ko to about the last Saturday sesh. Inisip ko, ipapasa ko sana sa Youngblood, pero sabi ko, wag na lang. Dito na lang sa blog ko. Saka na lang yung sa iba. Karirin ko muna tong blog ko. LOL 

Patulugin Mo Na Ko Please

Walang pasok kanina.

Di ako makatulog ngayon.

Sana kagabi na lang ganito ang issue ko para di ako magworry dahil walang pasok kinabukasan.

Bakit nga ba di ako makatulog?

Sinimulan kong basahin yung bagong libro ni Noringai. Buti Pa Ang Roma, May Bagong Papa.

Relatable in so many aspects. Di pa nagsisink in lahat at kelangan ko pang i-POV with my housemate ang mga bagay-bagay pero for sure, magsusulat ako tingkol dun.

Naisip ko lang kanina, ang mga space explorations ang goal ay ang malaman kung san pa pwedeng may mga buhay na nilalang or kung pwedeng mabuhay sa Mars. Bakit kaya hindi na lang alamin kung san pwede gumawa ng dumpsite sa outerspace? Diba mas praktikal yun? We eradicate all the unnecessary things on Earth and we get to start anew. We get to take care of this Pale Blue Dot which is the only thing we got.

Expanding naman ang universe, dumping some garbage to it I guess wont harm others. Pwedeng yung trajectory ng Space Dumper ay derecho na sa pinakamalapit na blackhole para mawala agad ang mga kalat. Concentrated lang sila sa isang lugar. Masisira kaya ang universe nun?

Sabi ko bukas ko na lang to isusulat kaso nga di ako makatulog kaya ayan, sinulat ko na. Di ko nga alam kung may katuturan yan. Naimagine ko lang. Katulad ng mga lego toys na nakita ko kanina. Hay. Bat gusto ko ng Lego lately? Bat andami kong bakit sa buhay? Waaaaaaaa...

Patulugin mo na ko please. Kawawa ang mga bagets pag nagkataon. Huhuhu

posted from Bloggeroid

Katkat's Daily Reminders

1.   Tapusin ang trabaho. Ikaw lang din naman ang gagawa nito. Pag kelangan na umuwi, iwan na ang trabaho, andyan pa din naman yan pagbalik mo. Work-Life Balance muna.

2.    Housemate, flush the toilet. Please lang.

3.    Fix the bed. Always.

4.   No work-related stuff on the bed nor near the bed.

5.   Laging maglagay ng sapin sa likod.

6.   Pwede naman magreklamo, pero tandaan mo, ginusto mo yan.

7.   Kapag kinutuban ka, yun na yun.

8.   Laging magbaon ng tubig.

9.   Thoughts are portrayed through actions, kahit i-deny mo pa ang lahat.

10.    Pag may pasok, dapat gising nang 4am, pero sige, pwede mag extend hanggang 4:20am.

11.    Pag Sabado, ok lang maging bum. Pero kapag may labahan pa, hindi pa pwede.

12.    Ang gamit para sa kinabukasan, kelangan ayos na bago matulog.

13.    Ang pagtitipid ay hindi nakakamtan sa pagtitikis ng mga bagay para sa sarili. Nakakamit ito sa pagbibigay ng mga tamang bagay para sa sarili.

14.    Di mo kelangang habulin ang oras, kelangan mo lang sabayan.







Kaya Mo Yan.

I would never stop saying "Kaya mo yan." to every child.

I had seen its effect and it's soooo amazing? wonderful? a tearjerker? I really can't find the exact words to describe the feeling it brings me every time I try to look back.

"Cher, di ko kayang mag-drawing!"
"Cher, di ko kayang sagutan."
"Cher, di ko kayang gawin."

To which I'll say:

"Sinubukan mo na ba?"
"Binasa mo bang maigi?"
"Nakinig ka ba, kanina?"


To which they'll reply:

"Hindi pa po."
"Hindi pa po."

"...................."

To which I'll say:

"Subukan mo muna, kaya mo yan."
"Basahin mo muna, kaya mo yan."
"Lakihan ang tenga, isara ang bibig, kaya mo yan."


Then, they will.

The results:

Funny, out-of-this-world artworks, only kids can do.
Witty answers.
Great responses.

Because, I know, they can.


*****************
Written while 3-Faraday was working on grouping animals according to body parts they use in moving.

09.12.2014

Random Rambling 090814

7:59pm

In school recently, I always get the question:

So, after this school year, where will you go? Will you still teach? 

My generic answer:

I still don't know. 

Even though the organization is paving the way for our careers after this stint, I can't help but still not know what the future will give me. And I had told myself to stop worrying for the now and just do what is expected of me with what I signed up for.

Daily struggle.

Every day is still a struggle to get up at 4 in the morning. I still extend the snooze every ten minutes and finally get up at usually around 4:20. Start with the morning routine of preparing breakfast and baon for school. One thing I had come to realize recently is the importance of regular intake of vitamins-- ascorbic acid and ferrous sulfate.

I am always honda.

I arrived in school usually around 6 in the morning. I've been trying to arrive as early as 5:30, but it only happens when my co-teacher is about to carpool me. She had been trying to fetch me every morning, texting me that she is already on her way, but really, there are really days that I just can't let go of my routine of being honda. It's just the second quarter, we still have around 7 months to go, so there's still a lot of time to break the habit. Hopefully, next time, I can say, I'm an earlybird.

I haven't been out a lot.

I was with a friend in an event and he asked why am I not posting pictures recently. I said, I haven't been out a lot. No out of towns. No parties. No galleries to go to. Just being home. Being a fulltime homebody during the weekends was something I thought I would never enjoy. But I do now. Of course, I still miss being home with my family and I miss my friends hanging out in my room.

To date or not to date.

I've re-activated my profile in an online dating site and I had received messages on meeting up and getting to know each other but I just can't seem to find the encouragement of going out on a date. Yes, I reply to messages, just messages. Meeting people from the online world is something not new to me. But lately, I just can't find the energy to go out and meet new people.

8:26pm

Tuesday, September 2


Its past 6pm, on a regular Tuesday, I would have been on my way home from tutorial sessions. However, today, I decided to go to one post ceremonial events of Ramon Magsaysay Awards sponsored by World Bank Philippines.


Together with my 3 co-fellows, we went to attend an intimate discussion about the situation of the education here in the Philippines and a featured film-showing of the life of one of the RMA Awardees, Butet Manurung of Indonesia, founder of Sokolo Rimba. Also in the event was Randy Halasan of Pegalongan, Davao City. The first time I've read about Sir Randy was in Rappler last weekend when he was featured. I even commented there that I hope to meet him in one of the RMA events and it did happen today. 


After the post discussion, the photographer jokingly said to me that he was waiting for my tears to fall down as I give my insight about the movie and ask Butet and Randy a question. I said, my tears had just stopped falling down a few minutes ago. Actually, I was clutching my chest on the later part of the movie because there's just so much and so many feelings about the movie. Of course, a lot of been had to be dramatized but in most situation, I can definitely relate with her. 


I can relate to Teacher Butet in terms of working for an NGO while dealing with the real deal at the ground level. The organization seems to ask so much and wants to keep a very good image for publicity and marketing purposes. Oftentimes, too focused on the goal that they seem to have ignored the current, real need and failing to give the necessary support at the ground level. 


My Question:
It is said that the first few years of volunteer work/humanitarian work is said to be the most difficult and also said to be the lowest point in a humanitarian worker’s life, now, if they would travel back in time, what have you done to manage stress, how did you find affirmation in what you do, and how did you pick up yourself to get back that energy for service?  

Butet said it's Patience. Randy said it's Love.

I'M WITH A HERO. Meet Butet Manurung. The teacher from the Jungle of Orang Rimba, Indonesia. This year's recepient of the Ramon Magsaysay Awards. She is on her 8.5-month of pregnancy of her first child. I hope she grows up like Butet too. 

Then, the host said, probably, another way was writing. In the movie, Butet was journaling her daily activities. The movie was a product of her book written about her few years of writing about her experience in the jungle, Jungle School, available in Amazon.com and selected events of RMA for Php550. All payments goes to Sokola Rimba, her school for the tribes.


Probably, one thing that kept me where I am today is because of writing about it. There are still un-posted stories and rants that are not post-worthy, and I am happy I took time to write about them in the past. My time as a teacher in the elementary school I am assigned is ticking and is about to end as the school year ends. Unlike Butet, for sure, I will say my goodbye, and promise to come back and unceasingly support the advocacy for education for all in this country particularly for the oppressed. 

I’m glad I took time off from my routine today. Truly, this world is full of wonderful people. Thank you Ramon Magsaysay Awards for taking time to having them recognized.