I’ve been trying to compose this in my head. How would I say it. How would I answer it.
From a not-so recent conversation with friends over pizza, I was asked if my being single is a matter of choice, or a matter of circumstance.
My social network newsfeed is abundant with statuses about kids, weddings, lovers and comforting words about being single. I can’t help but like them all. I had to stop peeking through this site because, instead of making me feel better and happy for them, I end up getting succumbed with self-pity and questions about why am I single.
How come this girl I know, who isn’t so smart, who isn’t so cute, has a boyfriend, and I don’t? How come this boy who said liked me and whom I used to exchange SMS with is now committed to
another girl and they look happy together? How come guys would all of a sudden prop up of your life and suddenly be gone and then you’ll find out they are with somebody else? There's this guy I like who seem to like me as well but really, I am just dreaming. Nothing but a way to let time pass. Ugh. Suck it. If I continue further, I may just end up feeling bad about other people and myself.
First, my being single is a matter of circumstance. No one seems to like me that much to think, ask and court me to be the girlfriend.
It’s also matter of choice. I came from a very bad break up. It happened many years ago and I recently started to be in conversation terms with my ex-boyfriend however, the experience taught me a lot of lessons that made me want to take things slow, and hopefully with right and a good start this time with whoever he is. That’s very easy to say yet very difficult to keep because there will be days that I get into this wishful thinking that I am with someone right here, right now.
Someone rolled into one to be my bestfriend, partner in crime, cheerleader, disciplinarian and co-dreamer. Someone who won’t be discourage to see me gain so much weight, snore at sleep, cry in the movies, curse when pissed off, no-comb hair, listen to my illusions and musings.
Now you see why it’s a matter of circumstance? Because no such person exist. Why it’s a matter of choice? Because I still believe that one day, I’ll find my imperfect perfect match.
Forgive me, it’s the time of the month aside from I am currently recovering from bacterial conjunctivitis.
This too, shall pass.