Self-imposed Torture

I remember tweeting this:

I can’t wait for the day that I will wake up and it’s not you I am longing for.

Then, today, I remember doing this. I remember you, but I don’t long for you anymore. Funny how life has been playing with my feelings all along. I waited for a day like this and today, I can certainly say, I remember you, but I don’t long for you anymore. It had been quite a rollercoaster ride.

Every day is a day of waiting and agony for me right now. Having nothing else to do and worry for the next 4 weeks is waking up the chronic-worrier in me. Having nothing else to do is making me gain weight fast. Having nothing else to do is letting out the worst in me.

I am trying to remember what I had done to forget you, maybe that will help me divert all these negative feelings I have as well until the day arrives.

The feeling that I don't have a fallback at the moment should things get out of hand is making me so worried. So worried that I keep eating. LOL. Over breakfast, my uncle had told me that I am gaining weight. My cheeks are a bit rounder now again, my movements not so lighter that it used to be, and I keep having siestas in the afternoon. I feel like I am living a life of a sloth. LOL.

I’m not used to the feeling of being idle, but I love the feeling of not doing anything. Contradicting, I know.

Oh. I just can’t wait for this four weeks to be over. Oh yes, I am also preparing my heart for so many “I told you so.” moments that will come up as soon as that day has arrived because I spent my days worrying instead of enjoying them.

Today, I just arrived from the airport from sending off my cousin’s stepson to OZ. Oh yeah, I am still waiting for that day that I will be the one they will send off.

Just like the day I wished that I will not long for you, I know that day that it will be me who will go on board that international flight, will also arrive. Soon. Sooner that I had imagined it will be. So, for the meantime, lemme torture myself.  


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