Hate Post

thought saying NO to you was going to be a hard thing to do. I thought I couldn't do it but I finally did and it gave me that liberating feeling. 

Our connection had been based on assumptions and unspoken words, I thought it was enough. That having you beside me even we dont have any spoken commitment  will be an assurance that you will stay with me until I saw you with another girl. You smile at her like the way you had smiled at me. You hold her hands like you held mine. You stare at her face lovingly. 

You started talking about her and my world began to crumble. I thought we had something going on. It was just me who thought so. I thought actions speak louder than words. Not in this case, I had mistinterpreted your actions to be that of having a deeper meaning, a deeper connection, an unspoken commitment. Reality hit me. Hard. Enough to break my heart and soul. 

I stopped talking to you and you never tried reaching out until you felt lonely again. You only remember me when you're alone. You are unfair. I used to think of you all the time, wishing you were beside me. I used to think of you when I was happy, wishing you were beside me. I used to think of you when I am alone. I wonder what were you doing, who you were with and if you were thinking of me as well. But you, you only think of me wen you're lonely. 

In a differet situation, I would have been relunctant to say No to your invitation. I would have felt special with you remembering me. But you treated me unfairly. I may have done so many things I can never be proud of but I have paid my dues and I dont deserve to be somebody you can just call when you are lonely. 

I admit it gets a bit sad being alone but I'd rather be alone than be used by some jerk like you. I had gotten used to the feeling of solitude.

I've come to learn that being assumptive can only be applied in business negotiations particularly in my previous line of work. I work to assume while claiming can only be done with aspirations and dreams. 

When it comes to relationship and commitment, assumption and actions don't go together. 

No matter how well he or she means, no matter how true it could be unless it was declared in words, never assume. 

As it was stated in the Bible: 

Ask and you shall receive. 

I asked, but it was already too late. I am already hurt and full of hatred just because I assumed first.

I am saving the story of my stupidity for another day. But I guess this is my stupid story. No more chances of saving it for another day. Oh well, I am alive. I will survive.

6 comments:

  1. Is he the one you mentioned the last time we've met? Is he the reason why you deactivated your FB? I was hopeful that what you had will turn into something different this time. :'(

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    Replies
    1. Yes and yes.

      I thought so too. Dun nga ko nagkamali eh. Akala ko :( :( :(
      I deactivated fb for many reasons din naman. I havent been working a lot dahil sa kakkabrowse and I have been wanting to post so much about my life when I know its not appropriate. In time Ill be back. For now, I just wanna sleep a lot pero I cant sleep :( since Monday I havent had any good sleep. Right now, i should be sleeping but Im about to finish my second YA book for the week. Wala na rin akong gamot pampatulog, expired na so I really cant take any of it.
      I feel like my problem is much lighter than what others have pero hindi sapat yung thought na yun for me to find peace and forgiveness for myself. I seem to always fail with this kind of thing. Always and it feels sh*t :( :( :(

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    2. Yeah... For me, mas marami ang disadvantages ng FB sa buhay ng tao kaysa sa opposite. Iyan din ang problema ko dati, ubusin ang precious idle time sa FB at mag-post ng mga sensitive na status, pero napansin ko na hindi rin nakatulong sa akin ang mag-deactivate ng profile. Kaya sinubukan ko na hayaan lang itong naka-activate, pero pinipilit ko na hindi na ito masyadong buksan as much as possible. Mahirap sa una, ngunit as time goes by, mas manageable na siya. Hanggang dumating yung time na okay na sa akin kahit di ako makapag-online for days. You'll get there, hopefully. Disiplina at control lang talaga ang kailangan. :)

      With regards to your broken heart, I don't know exactly what to say to help you fix it. I can only sympathize with you, Babykat. Words will only be empty when you are still carrying something that emanates pain—a pain that needs to be felt. Pero sana maramdaman mo ang concern ko at ang wish ko na sana maging okay ka na soon. For now, let yourself mourn for the opportunity that that insensitive jerk had wasted. Sa talino at sa ganda mong 'yan, hindi ikaw ang nawalan. Alam kong very strong ka. Kaya 'yan! :)

      P.S. Wala akong load madalas. Kaya sorry po if hindi man ako maka-reply sa text messages mo. lol

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    3. Deep sigh. Namimiss ko na nga din mag FB eh! Hahaha. Pero siguro tama din tong I have to challenge myself like this. So far, ok naman akong wala yun. ahuhuhu. Charot lang.

      Thank you Babysep. Sobrang nakakalow lang din morale and self-esteem ang mga nangyari. But I'll be fine. I will get to pick up myself eventually.


      Mwuah! Email me na lang kung wala kang load! Haha

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  2. Hi Cher Kat,

    Tama naman, write your thoughts and feelings, share it to others, voice out that inner hatred, and admit your fault. It is difficult in the beginning but you know how resilient we are so this will pass. Mayroon na rin akong mga stories just like this and there came a time that I hated myself because I am not good enough for anyone. There were rejections all the time for reasons so superficial, meaning it wasn't meant to be.

    First sep deactivated his FB and then ikaw. When I wrote something about blogger friends, I was referring to those I've met and how they are, little by little, disappearing. But sep came back and hopefully you will continue to be around even if your account is close. I heart you, sep and a few more people in the blogging world. Be strong my friend.

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    1. I will definitely be around. My email is active.

      I still have this blog. This is where I write my life I have a lot stuff on draft that I would like to finish and I notice that those were written during my so low moments. I'd rather keep them there and maybe find something more cheerful to write on my page. I just cant let myself be down. The world wont stop turning at my misery. Life goes on.

      Along the way, I'll find the one if not, there's always a plan b for everything :)

      I heart you too! Sobra :) thanks Cher Jo! Im gonna be fine! Soooooooon!

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