Showing posts from June, 2020

The last thing I bought myself was _____________.

366 QOTD  The last thing I bought myself was _____________. ... a recording microphone stand and a lyric stand :)  ********* I have decided to make a bold move and I am excited to see myself back into the kind of self that I am working on.  I have decided to make a full head on move about the critiquing of a research paper and submitting it for a due date and moving forward to my own first paper.  Talk about priorities. Selfish as it may seem, I ought to take care of myself first before anybody else. I do not allow anybody to make me feel so small and unworthy of anything. Not without my consent. It was quite a tough battle and though I probably haven't seen enough of it, I still don't think I am investing my time and energy on the right place and with the right people. Well, they probably are so lucky to have me.. LOL. But I am not sure if I can say the same for them given how I have been feeling right now. I am grateful that at the start they took confidence in what I can do,

NBD Vol.4 No.Unknown Series of 2020

I have reactivated my Facebook profile. I honestly miss being in there too. But I am back to too much scrolling again, so I probably may have to deactivate it again?  After school, I decided to go for a briskwalk by the riverside. On my way back, I wasn't able to start the tears from falling down.  In my head I was trying to point out what are the events that had been triggering this down feeling and I know in my head what those things are. I just do not have the courage to speak out my mind yet. Or I do not have the energy to do so.  I am happy with what I am doing. I don't wanna be here. I was happy. I don't wanna be here. Get me away from here. -- these are the lines that had been running in my head. I just gotta breathe and think but I can't do that while I am there.  After coming home, I took a shower and tried writing this down. More scrolls on Facebook and will be calling it a day with a book on one hand, in bed. It is a Thursday. Nothing goes wrong on a Thursday

What is your most prized possession?

366 QOTD  What is your most prized possession? My family and friends? HAHA. I know they aren't possessions but they all mean so much to me.  If in terms of material possessions, I think it will be my laptop that means so much to me. It makes a lot of things possible for me to do from writing, to editing and working with other people from other parts of the globe.  ************ I have made up my mind and I don't think it will change at this point in time. The signals are slowly showing up itself. It is almost time. 

What project are you working on?

366 QOTD  What project are you working on? Myself-- a work in progress.  This afternoon I had a very nice conversation with one of the few people I can really open up with. We sat by a bench looking at the river and the setting of the sun. It was a very relaxing view while venting out my negativities. I know that she wanted to have a more relaxed time and I am thankful that she took time to listen to me.  Quitting on one and more bigger decisions thereafter. Hopefully, it all goes well.  All I wanted is to have my productive self back.  The Kat that gets to finish and accomplish and learn many things while doing things at the background.  The Kat that doesn't really have to equate her worth with the money that she gets. The Kat that acknowledges stress yet knows that it is gonna be all worth the effort.  The Kat that just keeps waking up every day loving, grateful and hopeful.  The Kat that has always been willing to open up to the world and not hide her faults and fears.  The Kat

Practice Quitting.

While at the gym and pumping with sweat on the workout routine I am following, I have fully decided on quitting. Not on working out of course, but on the programming lessons that I am taking. I have always wanted to learn it but it seems that, learning it on my own isn't an ideal path to take at the moment. With pending writing projects at hand, it won't just work for me.  With quitting, there is also resuming. I am resuming my Japanese lessons and Piano lessons on Saturdays with the same teacher. I don't mind visiting her at her house after my volunteer jobs at the international foundation. Then, study time with my friend Riho until gets to move to Oita in September.  Hopefully, with this temporary quitting with learning of Python Programming, I will have no more guilty moments for not fulfilling my own schedules. Instead, I will have more exciting times to look forward to for more reading both fiction and non-fiction. My friends have been posting books they were reading a

Father's Day of 2020

It is early morning in Japan and I am just waiting for the rice to cook and setting up on how to go about my day of being productive again.  For now, let me write something about my father.  I am just so grateful for him. Blessed to have them both as my parents. No matter how crazy things get into my head, thinking about them makes me calm and help me re-align my focus about life and faith.  My father is the kindest person that I know with the sharpest tongue that there is. Maybe because that is how it goes when one is used to speaking of the truth and nothing else.  He has obsessions about treasures and hidden goal for ever since I can remember but we had to just let it go because when he gets involved into something, he makes sure it is done. I have learned to accept the reality that though we are enough as his treasure, he just can't let go of quitting on this one.  We never are rich or gotten more than enough financially, but I don't really know how he and my mom were able

17 Years Ago.

At 16, I graduated high school and that was 17 years ago.  Out of the blue, Tita sent me a photo of me receiving medals during our High School Recognition Day. Two persons noticed that I wasn't happy on the picture. I kinda remembered that my high school graduation was some sort of dramatic actually in all forms.  Nevertheless, grateful for the experience. Moving to that little town of Tiwi and studying at the barangay high school of Malinao opened up a lot of opportunities for me-- learning many things about what I never thought I can do like writing and photography, scholarships, travels, contests, discoveries. Both my titas made it all happen. They were strict, yet generous for things that they think will help me learn then. My grandmother was stricter-- waking me up early-- letting me do the laundry as soon as sun is up.  During that time, I couldn't wait to get out of that house and just be free from their strict ways. But now that I am an adult, I realized that those simp

What is the most important thing that you were told today?

366 QOTD  What is the most important thing that you were told today?  "You are enough." ******************************

Did you show someone appreciation today?

366 QOTD  Did you show someone appreciation today?  Not that as grand as that of posting it on social media. But I am really thankful that Rocky and friends let me join their usual weekend chill time.  We went to a nearby beach for a walk, then a good dine-in at a beach park and then chilled at this coffee shop in the city before going home.  It was so nice to have my feet soaked in seawater, letting the sound of the waves resonate calmness in me, and just taking a walk in the sand.  ************** I logged on to Bumble ( a dating app ) a few weeks back and it surprisingly gained me people I can talk to. Getting back to it this year just triggered the cycle and now I am on the verge of deciding to shut it down again. But this time, I am not. I am keeping it just right there. Not ever in my phone, but still accessible on laptop but with more steps to get into, making it as hard and tedious as it can. I have to really, really learn accepting the realities of this modern dating shiznits. 

What is the last purchase you made?

366 QOTD  What is the last purchase you made? I bought sleeping pills in Amazon. 

Hormones Extended.

Dear You,  It is 2020 and the whole world is taking a total change in everything. I wonder how you are coping up. I had stopped looking for you, but I had never ceased to expect for someone like you in some of the people I meet along the way. I think that's how desperate things are turning out for me nowadays? Or maybe this is one of those hormonal imbalances that I have no control of inside my body, my head in particular. Which makes me think, will you even accept me for this kind periodic neediness and clinginess that I have?  I wish I can tell you about this boy in school that really ticks me off every time. I just can't seem to like him just like the other kids. And it frustrates me that I am like that. I don't know if there is something wrong with me. I want to understand him better, but I can't point where to start.  I wish I can tell you about the 3 rings I put on my right ring finger. Do people think that I am committed coz I have them right there? One is a bron

3-Line Mantra for the time of the month

Dear Monday, I conquered you.  PMS, you're next.  Self, you got this. 

One of those days in hormones...

I am supposed to be working on my study guides at the moment. But here I am, in tears.. feeling sad, tired and lonely. This is just temporary. But dude, it can really take up energy. After this, I'm gonna go and study.  I have to do this. 

Share a secret thought

June 6, 2020 366 QOTD  Share a secret thought.  Hmm.. I am kinda comfortable at the level of connection that I have with this person right now. We are just two adults trapped in this side of the world and seem to have really get to bond well at the moment. Anytime soon, when things are better, that person would have to get back to his side of the world.  Guard your heart, Kat. You've seen enough, you've heard enough, you've pained enough to see how these kind of things go. For now, enjoy the company, you are doing great :)  Don't worry, when worse comes to worst, for sure you are prepared for that "I told you so." line, right? Then, you will be okay. For now, use the feeling as an inspiration to keep writing for the projects you intend to complete. Use these moments to your advantage. 

We are our worst enemies.

Indeed, nothing can ever go wrong on a Thursday. As we all carry our own shares of weights of responsibilities and anxieties in our shoulders, the least we can do is be there for each other.  Para magbolahan tayong pare-pareho tayong masisipag. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚  I miss the days of legit cramming and procrastination as we battle with workloads and academic deadlines. Not that I am asking for it. It just made me remember that Friedrich Nietzsche said something about ourselves being our worst enemy. Now that we are given more leeway with time, the challenge has been with slacking, putting non-essential readings first, too much social media, and other things that delays productivity. Acknowledging that and working it, slowly but surely, we will finish this race with learning badges not just from the academe but from the school of life itself.

How close to perfect is today?

366 QOTD  How close to perfect is today? It would have been like this...... After a long day at work, I kept looking at the clock to catch the bus to take me to the train station. Hopped on the train, oblivious to everybody in the train but very much excited about the person who will pick me up at the train stop and the thrill of catching the sunset.  Had a quick bite at the closest restaurant, enjoyed conversation about how each other's day had gone by and almost forgot about the sunset. Going out of the restaurant, there was the streak of shades of pink and red stretched in the sky. When we reached the beach house and took a long walk. At the end, by the border, we had to turn and that's when I got a soft, warm kiss to welcome the night.  Dinner conversations, cuddles, quick drive to get late night snacks, then more cuddles.  The next morning, the calm waves would wake me up as I lay wrapped around his arms.  I will quietly get up, wrap myself with a towel and leave him sleep

Monday Rainy Blues

The skies are dark for days now. But it didn't stop me from going out yesterday.  From riding into a wrong train, making it an hour later than expected to the meeting, a bit wet and litte chilly from the tiny drizzles, I thought, I have the Sunday escape adventure a disaster. In the end, it all turned out with a lot of unexpected surprises, conversations and simply sitting down by the beach, singing out of tune and letting go. My body tired yet, my mind was rejoicing. I had one of the lighest sleep I can ever remember having. And I fear that I might snap onto the kids today. I hope not. Nobody deserves my childish acts after having spent a relatively good Sunday.  It is 1st of June, 2020. I have ran out of excuses not to start writing that baby thesis. Yesterday's event and meeting were good inspirations. Reminding myself not to expect anything out of it, is something that just happens to be as it is.  Work on the goal. Stay healthy. Keep reading. Never stop dreaming. You'l