Posts

19 Sept 2026

-
Tonight is one of those rare nights that the house is quiet before 10PM. Both the husband and the baby are sound asleep and I am left to my own thoughts and I have the silence to be able to think, scroll through documents, read through outputs and sneak in this write up just to remind myself that I still have a journal to look back to when I get older.  I am typing this while on the bed, next to the baby. Her separation anxiety is so strong lately that it is best to just work next to her while she is asleep.  Being 40 aint that bad. I can already feel the age hitting me hard in terms of mood, body tension and easy preference for the quiet and cozy bed whenever that is available.  Our little Hiraya is turning 1 year old next month. This afternoon I browsed through the photo album my mother-in-law brought when they visited and it just brought me to tears. I'm happy that she is growing healthy, happy and I am at awe how fast it is all happening. I am cherishing every moment ...
Post a Comment
Read more

15 Aug 2026

-
 It's been that long? The last entry I had was last May? But in my head, I had been writing, reflecting, typing, would have been real if I can go back to them just like that ones I had written here.  I know I'll find the groove, the system, the organization to be able to write again. I dream to be able to weave something like that of Marcus Aurelius book, Meditations- a collection of his thoughts about his life.  In a few days time, I turn 40. A few months ago, I become a mother, a few months before that, I become jobless, before all that, I was someone who was just trying to make the best out of life. Years changed me, but not as quick as motherhood have.  Beautiful, I may say. What an honor, what a pleasure. But painful as well. Learning to let go of the oneself I had built over the years, succumbed to the void of just viewing other people carefully curate their lives to be viewed online, now, struggling to find my way back to living life again.  In writing, I...
Post a Comment
Read more

10 May 2026

-
 Mother's Day hits different for me now.  Last year when I was pregnant and people started greeting me Happy Mother's Day, I was really excited. I felt honored. I felt seen.  This year, as the main caregiver of our 6-month old baby, I can't really say it is a fun thing to do. With all the bodily changes, the hormonal somersaults, the pains, the lost of sleep, the self-reinvention that needs to be done, the self expectations that had been built--- painful. For some, it may have been easy to let go, for others, it was tough. For me, I emerged from the tough side of letting go. But I am eventually able to learn to take the path of rebuilding my self and the new identity I have alongside those I would like to keep being.  Being here today and for everyday of my life,  I would like to hug my mom more and more, she carried and took care of 6 of us and still is, in many ways, acts and prayers and I may have heard her complained but she never stopped showing her love an...
1 comment
Read more

6 May 2026

-
 My little Hiraya is now 6.5 months and I keep telling her to slow down in growing up. Until now, there are moments when it feels unreal that we are already in this stage of life and that it is finally happening. I had always thought that I was bound to be an oldmaid and just gonna die alone.  I would like to always remember what my boss had said, "it is always a good change to welcome a baby into one's life".... I am taking that to heart and embracing this mama life that is growing in me.  Having a baby and to take care of one is such an honor because they innocently and truly can make you feel needed and that the others around them dont matter anymore as soon as you are around.  There are just a lot of fears here and there, but I just try to calm myself down, trying not to worry about things unseen, the future and all the other studd that just pops into my head because I scroll too much.  As always, my own desire is to be able to write more, to be able to docu...
Post a Comment
Read more

22 Mar 2026

-
  Sa gitna ng ingay at gulo, bigla kang babalutin ng lungkot. Sa kaloob-looban, gugustuhin mong bumalik sa nakaraan, kahit na alam mo namang di yun mangyayari kahit kailan.  Sa gitna ng ingay at gulo, bigla kang makaka-alala, meron kang obligasyon sa ngayon. Sa kaibuturan ng puso, alam mong may mga dapat kang gawin, at walang ibang gagawa para sayo kaya naman pipiliin mong kumilos sa kabila ng bigat ng damdamin at kalungkutan.  Sa gitna ng ingay at gulo, bigla kang mapapatigil at mamapatanong sa sarili kung anong kinabukasan ang naghihintay sayo. Sa malawak na mundo at di mabilang na oportunidad, alam mong wala kahit isa doon ang ibibigay sayo ng walang kapalit na hirap at sakripisyo. Pagkatapos ng ilang saglit ng pagyakap sa lungkot, saglit na pagkabigo at kawalan ng kontrol sa mga pangyayari, pilitin mong bumangon, simulan ang paghakbang sa kung saan ka naroon ngayon, isa-isip at isa-puso ang mga pangarap. Wala mang kasiguruhan ang kinabukasan, alam mong ang pagpili nan...
1 comment
Read more

13 Feb 2026

-
Watched all the 7 Seasons of Workin' Moms on netflix with Season 6 being the one that resonated well with me.  I understand the attempt of the writers to make it a well-rounded show, being able to touch on almost all facets of motherhood. But I just dont't understand why the Asian representation was butchered and it made it feel like Asian single mothers, particular of that Filipinos was just bad.  At the end part of the final episode, the characters were asked about what personal attribute do they hope their kids would be able to get from them, and all of the characters except that of the Jenny, the Asian/Filipino representation didn't get to answer as if there can be nothing good out of her crazy character can be passed on to her daughter.  I feel so bad about Jenny as a Filipino because I have never met a Filipino single mom that is like her, at least of on my circle of crazy millennial friends.  Filipinos are among the selfless human beings one can ever meet that...
1 comment
Read more

29 Jan 2026

-
Can you believe it? January is almost done!!! The year of the Horse is living up to expectations of it being fast and just unbelievably fast.  As I slowly prepare to get back to the workforce, I can't help but just think about how much I am going to miss the days with just me and my baby.  She is also getting heavier day by day and so, I am trying my best to be able to exercise and make sure that I also practice proper posture of bending and lifting her up to avoid muscle pains and stress. Every single detail counts.  With that, I would like to think that I am someone who really takes time to exercise even the bare minimum, instead of being zero every day. I have been doing squats and bends, and planning to add 10 push ups every day.  Grad school is going well. I am also anticipating being labeled incomplete on one of my subjects and so I know that I would have to work on that soon.  I already paid my final invoice for 2025 tax and I know that I have to work on ...
Post a Comment
Read more