Life of a Kat

 How painful it is to say that I can't write anymore. How more painful it is to say that I can't sustain reading anymore.  My brain and my life had been hacked and I am suffering so much. The only thing I am good now is to cry when I get the chance.  Self, please know that I am trying my best to get us back on a good track, it is just really hard for me and as much as I want to talk about it, I know that the people around me have other stuff to do than to listen to my pathetic shiznitz.  I just wanna be able to wake up with a good purpose in life, but I am not feeling that.  I am barely existing. But I am hopeful, one day, I will find my way back. My energy and my purpose. 

I keep telling myself that I will blog something about my current life status. I actually have been doing that, just not written down  😅 . In my head most of the time especially when I am alone I have lotsa pouring in my head.  Things have been difficult for me. That even sitting down and typing away which used to be my very own destressor has been hard. It had been difficult to find the time and courage to fully describe where i am currently at in my thoughts and in my life.  To say I am stuck, is an understatement. I dont even know if what I have been struggling to complete and get an academic title for is meaningful. I just couldn't read nor write nor compose my thoughts like I used to. I lost it all.  I am thinking that a lot of if has to do with the supplements I used to take in. I haven't had Usana in a while nor Memoplus and that's when I could really be so productive and just keep moving.  Placebo or not, I am hopeful that once I get those meds when my care package

 I just got back from my Okinawa holiday trip. Slowly settling back to the tasks I have left behind.  As I try to get into Thesis Mode, I am veering into the decision of getting back to my usual life cycle of:  AM- Study Early PM- Work  Late PM- Gym and workout I think that routine helped me out a lot before to flow more smoothly and focus on the writing parts.  If there is anything that I had picked up from the recent trip, it is that as much as I am experiencing the pains of getting into thesis mode, I am also excited to get into it coz I know that I will learn more and understand further. Starting it all with Learning to TRY HARDER. 

November 5, 2021  1600 Blacksmith Premium Garden  Kagoshima City  I opened and read my previous study guides for Education Research. It was a feeling of relief and happiness.  Relief to know that I still have the courage to do it.  Happiness because I am so proud of myself for choosing such a difficult task and working my way towards it.  For now, the negotiated 2 minutes probably got extended to 30 minutes interrupted in between with conversations with my siblings and scrolling on my IG. Still a struggle, but getting there.  I was also able to open the draft of my thesis proposal, added a few more questions that could possibly be re-structured to be research questions. Hmm… There are a lot of possibilities.  At this moment, I am sitting down at a café in the midst of the bustling city of Kagoshima on a rainy day. I am praying that the rains would stop in time for my drive back to Miyazaki tonight. It will be somewhat around 3-4 hours if I decide to take the non-toll roads.  The game p

So, this is how this day had been going.  I would like to congratulate myself for finishing a book. A YA book at that. Still not the goal, but having to finish a book and not glued to my phone, that is already an achievement. Now, just gotta change the element of the content to read and find language education and research as appealing and intriguing as romance stories of unrequited love, betrayal and sacrifices. Hayst.  Does it really have to be this slow of a progress? Can I even call this as a progress? I can't even trust myself.  Also, having the time to type this down right now is some sort of change. I have been wanting to do a lot of writing, just any kind of writing, and this is how far as it can be right now.  Get that laptop open and have the reading pages open.  A friend just sent a message about her visa application rejected and it also breaks my heart hear the news. Not the best gift for birthday. But sometimes, knowing the feeling of rejection is one of the best gifts

This has been life lately. In the morning I would put on my workout clothes and try to move either work out or do things at home. But I have never opened my academic research papers nor have they opened any abstract nor read any academic articles that I think will help me move forward with my thesis writing. It is excruciating. But I know that when I start doing it again and decide to just do it I can do it. Tomorrow, I'll do it I promise.