A Letter to the Past


I was really shocked when I saw your name popped up on my Messenger Box.

I felt that you are having a heavy heart at the moment. Maybe that's what had pushed you to talk to me. You asking about my opinion about you. I thought it would be easy. Then I realize, it would mean I would have to go back from the time I had first met you, to the time we started going out, to the time became us and the time we broke up. It’s like opening that chest of memories that is filled with roller coaster ride of emotion that lead to a bittersweet downfall. 

I always want to remember you as the good person I had come to know.

Just like before, you started talking to me because you are having issues with some other girls. You haven’t told me, I haven’t asked, I just felt it.

You are adventurous. Most likely that’s the thing that had drawn me to you. Your love for adventure and nature.  You are simple. So simple that you are contented with whatever you are having at the moment.  You are generous. You had helped me in so many ways. With me, you had been a typical boyfriend you ought to be.

Whenever people ask why we got separated, I always put the blame on me. It was me who started all the mess. It was me who got bored and made that stupid mistake. Until now, maybe a part of me haven’t forgiven myself yet and makes me always think that I can never be enough for someone.

Then I realize, maybe the mistake did not just occur at the time I thought I wanted things between us to be over. It had started from the very first day we became a couple. We never became friends first. We were online chat-mates turned lovers. Everything happened in a rush. We engaged in actions that we were not supposed to do. We crossed lines. With mutual consent, but still, it wasn’t the right thing to do.

The good sense of adventure was also the same thing that ruined us. And maybe until now for you? I am not sure. I fell so easy and then I fell out as fast. As for you, as far as I know, I was replaced as quick as possible. You found your security in the arms of another girl. Would that have anything connected with manly pride? You got me so easy and so you can replace me so easy as well? I don’t know.  

I tried dating a few times after we broke up. Obviously, it didn’t work out for me and the other guy. I tried, but later on, I just realized that I had to drop it and make amends with myself and my family. More than me, I knew that it was family who had been deeply hurt and disappointed with my actions.
 
Again, I always want to remember you as the good person that you are. Whatever you are going through right now, I hope you could find peace and find the beauty in waiting the way I did. 

Honestly, I still feel a bit impatient every now and then, but that’s the challenge.

Wishing you all the best.



6 comments:

  1. A very honest refection of oneself. Our mistakes make us better and by acknowledging our weaknesses, we become better in our choices next time. I am in a way like your story, I fall out of love as quickly as I fall in love.

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    1. When he messaged me, I felt that he is really having a heavy heart. I had it figured out. I never thought he would appreciate the words I had said, but he said that he will read it over and over again to remind him of what he is supposed to be.

      As for falling in love, I told myself, as much as possible, I wont want to have it the same way.

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  2. more hugot. I think it's just the way it is. some things happen, and then they burn. But new and better things will surely be coming. :)

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    1. With new things and realizations acquired from past experiences, we can only hope for the best right after the storm.

      There will always be hugots in everything we do. Haha

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  3. i guess this would be the start of a 'proper' closure between you two. :)

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    1. I hope it is. I think it is. The more I become more comfortable talking about the what had-beens, closure and acceptance become clearer.

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