Lost For Words

I don't know how would I start this one. How would I share the story, would I focus on my own feelings or would I try to see things the way she is feeling right now.

She was my college classmate and roommate as well. We spent college together for three years right after we became blockmates as Physics Majors. She was an academic scholar of a distinguished scientific research institution in the country. A great indicator that she has very high IQ.

She had a huge crush on my college bestfriend back then which made me question her real IQ. (I had two bestfriends/classmates in college, both were boys and both were should I say major assholes when it came to girls). They were together for a short while and that's where everything started to change for her. Our dorm house is exclusively for girls and it is next to the all-boys house my bestfriends rented.  We became closer to each other when she moved in with me and another girl classmate.

After one summer, she told me that she and my bestfriend broke up. She said still loves him and that he was her first and was still sleeping with him on his beck and call. Stupid right?! What else can I say?

Until she finally got over him when she met this guy. I can't remember the story of how they met. I remember being invited to his house one day so I could meet him. I never liked him. He was unemployed, lives with his mother for support and loves cock derby. But my friend liked him so what can I do? She sleeps in his place most of the time and we rarely get to talk and see each other except for exams and major subjects lectures. Back then, as an active university facilitator and political party officer and college club president, I had been very busy.

Then, one day, she asked me to dinner at a fastfood restaurant near our dorm and I saw her took some kind of medicine. She said that it was Cortal and drank Sprite to take it in. She said that would prevent pregnancy. She even complained of salivation as she admitted taking too much of it that day. I thought everything would be fine after that.

I never knew about her pregnancy until our roommate told me about it. We really never had the chance to talk to each other. She was placed in the University High School Department for practice teaching while my request to be placed in a high school from my hometown was approved. We kept our room until we were summoned to comeback to school for graduation preparations and group thesis. We were not groupmates as hers included scholars just like her. She graduated Cum Laude while I didn't, I was just a few decimal points away from it. I remember the student services officer telling me to ask one of my teachers to get me a grade just a few decimal higher so I can make it to the cut. I never did that.

A few more months, I am in Manila, she was in Sorsogon. The guy and her finally got married. We kept in touch via SMS and facebook, however, every time we talk, it will be filled with her marital problems. This time, I had been telling her to move away and start anew. Move back to Camarines Norte. She finally did that but still with her then husband. They already had 3 kids.

So, our lives goes on separately and kept ourselves updated through classmates, SMS and facebook.

She had an extramarital affair with a co-teacher. I remember her telling me a few years ago. We remained in contact as I had kept promising her that I will pay her a visit as soon as I visit Calaguas. That was 2010. It never happened as my trip took me to Donsol with other college classmates. Until now, I had never seen her again after graduation.

They would always fight she told me. He would threaten to take away their kids and sue her. The last thing I remember they were still together. She was still holding on.

Until earlier tonight, she posted that she needs help. She is having family issues and in grave need of help for herself and her kids. I was thinking that maybe it was just the same old story and I would be very much willing to listen and probably give the same advice of ditching that guy and starting anew.

But it's entirely different now. A deeper sh*t should I say. She said that she had been issued a warrant of arrest by the local police. She was sued by her own husband for adultery. She had filed a case against the man as well- VAWC- Violation Against Women and Children- she said that she had been a solo parent for two years now.

She is still free because she just begged the police officers to wait until she gets money for bail. She was expecting her midyear bonus for that however, she said that she didn't get one this year. I don't understand why.

I asked if she can contact a social worker about her issue and ask for custody at the nearest DPWH but she never replied to me anymore. That's when everything all started to flashback. All the college memories with her.

I honestly feel helpless. I can't send her money because I am also struggling on my own at the moment. I will just start working on Monday. I can't take care of her children since they live faraway. I can't hug her. I know she needs one right. So bad. She said that her own sister won't help her on this matter, another thing that's making her feel worse.

Had I been more honest to her way in college, would things be different today? Had I been that honest girl that people tell me that I am, that girl who would tell the truth even if it hurts, would she be in a far more happier situation? Had I been there for her more often back then, would she even pursue being with that person? Would my opinion matter at all?

Writing this is painful. What more if she gets to read this. But I know I had to write it down or else I will just live with regrets again.

I wish I can lie to her again and tell her that everything's gonna be alright soon. I was actually lost for words. I didn't know what to say, how to ask her questions that she would answer. I just really wish I can hug her.

I told her to be strong. To not let this situation succumb her wits. To pray. That I would pray for her as well.

I can only wish I can do more for her.


  1. We can only do so much for our friends and family. I think that you did your best to be a good friend, but it's up to your friend to find what makes her happy. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your friend needs to own up to her mistakes, get up where she fell down and to keep moving forward.

    You can lead a horse to the river, but you can't make him drink. The best thing you can do now is be her lending ear and give her emotional support - these are things that money cannot buy.

    1. I try to.. I've been sending her SMS since last night but she never replied. But her phone is ringing naman :/


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