He called me "the jerk".
For this conversation, what is the operational definition of "jerk" anyway?
We don't talk often even back in college, even up to now. He was one of the first people I had met via mIRC back in college. What's more funny was we were renting pc units at the same internet cafe right in front of my campus which is next to his house. He had always been online. I always thought that he doesn't sleep.
Since I live in a boardinghouse near my school, there were weekends that I just stay in the city for projects and typing jobs. During those times, he would invite me to come over his house for a drink and "jamming". We both love music--underground and metal for him, acoustic and pop for me. I dropped by a number of times. I didn't stay long because there was a curfew in my boardinghouse. He would jokingly say that I could stay and sleep next to him. I would just always say, "Di man tabi pwede."
Then college was over and I had decided to work in Manila, a month after graduation. He stayed in school for another year. We would still exchange messages until today. It was never frequent. His name would just pop up either on my phone or on my messenger out of the blue asking how I am and what's going on with my life. And I had never lied to him how I was. Ever. I would always say how I am feeling and tell him what's going on with my life whenever he asks. I had always felt safe talking to him because he seems to be a stranger and a friend at the same time. Somebody who wouldn't judge me for my actions and would always listen. He felt like a safe space until he called me "the jerk" a few hours ago.
He never elaborated. And I am left hanging.
I kept thinking and it never left my head. Maybe being a jerk is an adjective not just for guys. As my bestfriend had said, it's for everybody. It still got me thinking, what made me a jerk then?
Maybe because I tend to give up easily on people.
Maybe because I talk about hopeless romantic stuff yet at the back of my head, I know that it can never happen to me.
Maybe because I judge people right away and it's too late to take it back later on.
Maybe because I tend to assume about circumstances.
Maybe because ..... (please fill in the blank).
I would always question the universe, why am I always being caught in situations that would end up not in my favor, what have I done to deserve such feelings and treatment. I haven't really thought of what kind of jerk I had been to others and to myself among other failed decisions I had made to be caught up in such circumstances.
Deep sigh. I wish we can still talk like we used to before. I think it would take a few more weeks or even months for me to hear anything from him again.
Hopefully by then, I had figured things out and I am better. Can never tell. The only good thing about us, is we will still be good friends no matter what.