To Every One Who Believes

A lot of people are aware that I'm back to teaching and that I spend my weekends learning Nihonggo in pursuit of greener pastures. Every time, I always get a positive push. It just means so much. 

As I start a daily countdown of days down to that Sunday for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, I have fears of falling short of expectations of others and of myself. 

1: "Bakit ba hindi ka naniniwala sa sarili mo? Eh halos lahat kami sinasabi naming kayang-kaya mo." 

2: "Matutuloy yan. Basta, makakaalis ka." 

Me: "Ayokong masyadong magtiwala sa sarili ko. Alam kong kelangan ko yun pero natatakot akong masyadong magtiwala sa sarili ko. Mas masaya kapag lahat tayo makapasa diba? Kaya natin lahat to." 

Me: "Sana nga talaga. Sana talaga." 

There are really days that I just want to give up. Just go back to the usual office work and go on with my life. As simple as it used to be. Pay my bills without stretching the salary so much, but still with limited  savings and funds to share to my family. I would have opted for that. 

However, I have bigger dreams, not only for myself, but also for those who believe in me and the people I care so much about. So, I am taking this transition phase, investing time, money, energy and dreams to learn a new language and culture.

Getting the lowest language proficiency level certificate, I get better chances of being able to teach in that country. 

A lot of others have made it, why can't I, right? 

A lot of others can see my potential, why can't I believe myself? 

It is not that I don't believe in myself. I just always like to have my feelings in check, aligned with my goals. Everytime I learn something new, I know that I need to learn something more. What I know is just a portion of what my teacher knows and what others are aware of. 

The only thing I am confident to say is that I am willing to learn.  

So, for every one who believes and is giving me a push every now and then, THANK YOU. May I also be a source of positivity and support to each and everyone. 

Thirty five days to go. For others, it may just be some kind of exam, but for me, it is a life-changing exam. That kind of test that if I get to pass, it will open many doors of opportunities and fortunes. 

Thirty five days to go, you may not be there to take the exam with me, but I am taking every word of encouragement, support and prayers with me. 

I aim to pass the test. Yes! I aim to pass it with flying colors. And each of you is with me every step of the way. I am forever grateful. 




Pieces of Advice

6:21 PM Sailor Venus: Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

6:22 PM Sailor Moon: Ay bakit?

6:25 PM Sailor Venus: We've been in a relationship for more than a year now. And pag me away, usually, kami din nag-uusap abt it. No friends to talk with. Sometimes I miss my old life.

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6:29 PM Sailor Venus: I skipped travels para wala away. I missed friends bonding para wala away. I'm fighthing my ego and pride. Ang hirap hirap :'(
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6:34 PM Sailor Venus: I don't know pero ayaw ko mawala sya.
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6:47 PM Sailor Mars: Kung masaya ka pa teh sa kanya, ayusin mo. Baka napapagod ka lang.

7:25 PM Tuxedo Mask: Never never stay in a relationship in which you are losing your identity. He loved you form whom he met. If you lose yourself, who is there to love?

7:29 PM Tuxedo Mask: And why would you have to lose yourself when the goal is to grow together? Any relationship that leads to destruction is no good. Sadness is ok. It passes just like the euphoric moment of feeling of love. Feel it. Embrace it. It should teach you those things that you cannot read on books, hear from friends, nor from your partner. If you are losing yourself, let go. Turn your back and go back to things and people who can identify you. You are never meant to lose yourself. Sacrifice is not martyrdom.

7:34 PM Sailor Pluto: Pak!

7:35 PM Tuxedo Mask: Sacrifice nor martyrdom won't even apply to what you are feeling right now. As both acts have ultimate goal for the common good. As for you, it's called Stupidity. If you don't deal with it, then we can do nothing else for you but see you lose yourself. It's painful but it's a choice you've made for YOURSELF.

7:37 PM Sailor Moon : Pak na pak ni bakels!

8:14 PM Sailor Venus: Nakakatakot na advise. Lols. Makikipagbati na nga lang ako. Ayan, I made him orange juice, noodles, tas sliced him some apples. God. Lols.

8:15 PM Tuxedo Mask: Mas takot kang mawala sya kesa mawala ang sarili mo.

8:15 PM Sailor Venus: Ang hirap naman ng tanong mo. I want to keep both.

8:15 PM Sailor Moon: Aww

8:16 PM Tuxedo Mask: That's not even a question. It's a statement.

8:16 PM Sailor Mars: Better way to approach this is to pour out your feelings to him. He might not be aware of what you are going through.

8:16 Tuxedo Mask: That's another thing. Insensitivity. Why would you not be aware if you truly care.

8:17 Sailor Mars: Better work it out as a couple. Kung may problem ka about yourself, he must be made aware.

8:17 Tuxedo Mask: I'm acting like a super bad bitch here people. Hahahaha

8:17 Sailor Moon: Pag sexlife nyo na lang ako mag-aadvise. Haha

8:17 Sailor Venus: Andito n sya. Aalagaan ko muna ha. Labyu guys.
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Love Yourself Cover


When we're together, this is how we usually bond.

That's Nali with the phone.
Meet Bebs, or should I say, meet Beb's feet/foot.

Lels.


My Life Verbs.

I have been wanting to write--to collect my thoughts and just pour out my senseless rants and bitterness mixed with a thousand things to be grateful for, but I would always end up not doing anything until I decided to disconnect today and just sit and type away. With my latest find of a good playlist in Spotify.

The past weeks had been so crazy. Or actually since the national election campaign kicked in. The connection brought about by the internet, social media and other sites had conjured a lot of mixed emotions among Filipinos, I, myself included. Most of what I know about the ongoing elections, I got it from shared posts from the famous social network, Facebook. I had become lazy to open the three online news websites I would always check into: Inquirer.net, CNN.com and BBC.com

I used to find the posts entertaining, useful and reliable until one day, most of the things I had read were that of wannabes, emotionally-flared up rants, defamation and bullying.

I am sort of guilty of the thing called bullying. I would internally curse at people who would posts things against my own beliefs and interests. There were also moments that I felt accomplished when I got to turn down people and their confidence. It made me feel good for a moment and then guilty until that point of regret about what I have done. I was slowly losing myself in search of entertainment and superficial superiority. As I kept myself immersed in that kind of environment, just like others, I was slowly becoming an empty can that makes a loud noise. Then, somebody just told me I was rude. All along I was having fun at the expense of other people’s shame. It was a very small incident, but then, I know it could still go a long way if my attention wasn’t called. I was becoming one of those people I hate to be with.

I need to stop and think.

I was restless and losing focus because everything around me seems chaotic. Routine had grown to be boring that I needed some escape from boredom. I thought I can control it, not knowing that escape was slowly controlling me, almost making me think it was what I was really asking for in my life. But I had to stop and go back to my why. Why do I do what I do?  

Self-discipline is a struggle. If I cannot achieve it, what else can I achieve it life? My dreams are big and the price is high. If I don’t start working on it now, how can I afford to pay the price.

Shows over, it’s now time to go back to business and eye on the goal.

With my series of verbs:
Reflect a lot. Work hard. Study harder. Save money. Read. Write. Pray.