I Would Still Be Where You Left Me

Going to work has been quite a little bit heavy the past few weeks and I really don't have anybody to talk about it. I want to talk about it but I don’t think anybody would care to listen and understand. Coz, I myself can’t understand or maybe I am really just a difficult person to work with or maybe I really can’t be trusted with secrets or anything.

Last Sunday, I asked him about one of his actions over dinner, but he never seemed to acknowledge the question and hasn't even texted back that he had gotten home safely. I haven’t heard from him since then. What have I said wrong?

Then this morning, in school, I joked about him (my sole guy co-teacher) being the lucky one among the group since he has a boyfriend while us girls are all single. One of us was a newbie and it’s her first week. He said that I should have waited for him to divulge about his private life. I really thought that he is okay with his sexuality. Maybe I really had gone below the belt on that one. I didn’t realize that it was a foul because he seem to throw sarcastic jokes on me ever since and I am just okay with it. Then he said, I don't deserve secrets because I couldn’t keep one. As if his status is a secret.

Those events had been making me think about what kind of person am I and becoming.

Am I too straight-forward? I seem to have an idea about his actions but I had no courage to ask him personally about what he did when we were having dinner. I can’t erase it out of my head. It keeps playing slowly and I really just wanted to know if he was aware of what he did, if it was intentional or it was a habit, but it was a first time for me to see him doing that since the first time we met.

Am I really unworthy of anybody’s trust? The silent treatment is bearable and I really don't give a f*^& what they tell other people about me, I just can’t accept the idea that I can’t be trusted. Maybe I am really not worth it? How can I even doubt my self?

It feels slightly heavy in my heart. Enough to give me hard time having deep sleep or waking up at unholy hours. What do I have to change to be better?

For the meantime, let me start with these:

1. I should stop Feeling Close (FC FC) to people. Not because they took time to talk to me and share a part of their life story with me, it doesn’t give an opportunity to just drop jokes regarding their personal lives. Specially when other people are around.

2. I just need to focus on work. Lesser time to talk and connect with others, lesser chances of having misunderstandings with them.

3. Sometimes, it’s better to let go of an idea and stop searching for answers. No matter how “babaw” it appears to be.

It feels so sad.

Both persons are leaving to work abroad anytime soon. And maybe, this is how we bid farewell?

I would like to think that all along, they were just being too nice to me and that point, was the tipping point of it all.

Truly, people come, people go. But I would still be where you left me. Unanswered.