Warning: This is a vent-out post.
All negativity inside. Read at your own risk.
I just got home from school. I go to school at exactly 5:30 AM, today I arrived home and it’s already 6:04 PM. Yesterday, I came home at around 7:30 PM. What’s happening to me? I feel so tired. I feel so alone. I feel so tired, even sleep and longer sleep won’t seem to ease the tiredness in me.
I miss home. I truly miss the meaning of home. I miss my mama’s home-cooked meals, the chats over breakfast and dinner with my siblings. The endless asaran and the endless sermons from papa. It’s as if I am living in a faraway country that I can’t seem to be with them. I mean, enough time to be with them. I maybe with them on Sundays, but it had never been enough.
I never thought that I will reach this point of weariness. That I would feel so drained and all I wanted is to cry and feel someone’s hug. This is one of those days that I wish I have someone. That someone who would tell me that everything’s going to be alright. To tell me that I just need a rest after that someone hugs me. Kiss me on the forehead and tell me that tomorrow is another day. That someone who reminds me of what wonderful job I have. What wonderful thing I had been doing for these kids. I never thought that I will reach this point. Really. I thought I am tough. I thought I am strong. Yet here I am, breaking down, letting the keyboard suck all my tiredness, loneliness and negativity. Having them printed on the screen. Making them look for more real not just feel.
A challenge had been given. In thirty days, I will have to make these 30 kids, independent readers. I am currently on my second day of seminar wherein the main objective is to address the harsh reality in the public schools, that more 60% of third graders are slow or total non-readers. They could be syllable readers but definitely with no comprehension, thus, still with zero percent literacy. This action plan had been an answer to our clamor of wanting to pay more attention with reading exercises for these non-readers than bombarding them with academic concepts that should have been on their level had they been independent readers at this point. But thirty days!
Challenge accepted. I have no choice. This is already an opportunity for them to be able to learn to read. Challenge accepted. I have no further argument. I just need some time to rest. To breathe. I just need someone to tell me that everything’s gonna be ok. I have no background in teaching beginning reading. All I have are resources I can find anywhere. I have a laptop, tons of papers, a printer, a projector, a set of books on phonics, boxes of story books to choose from. A very basic knowledge of Marungko and Fuller Approach. Not even any handouts. I would have obliged to get a copy of my own, but they said that the administrators will provide for us.
SISTEMA PLS!. That SISTEMA wherein things work harmoniously. That thingy where things are there, resources are at work and people are united. It could have been a real Reading expert at my place. Oh ok, I volunteered for my team. On behalf of the mandate, that someone from our team be in the seminar. No, I haven’t held nor read any memo. Can I just say, I wasn’t informed? But No, I am already here. And as I have said, challenge accepted.
Apart from this, seriously, I just feel so tired. And without anything at hand, I don’t know where to start.
I need a hug. Please.