First of March 2015

7:22 PM

February 2015 had full of so many stories. From writing, to flowers, to museums, to disappointments, to errands, to places, to friends, to studies, and to active job-hunting.

Today is the first of March 2015, four weeks to go and my teaching contract is about to end. My idealism is being eaten up and as I go with the flow, I might just wake up corrupted already. I had gone weak and hopeless. I don't want to end up being beaten by this system.

A few more days and I still don't have a concrete plan about how will I live my life after my classroom days are over.

My father was very subtle in asking me about it earlier during lunch time. "Ano bang balak mo?".... "Ano ba talagang gusto mo?".... "Ipagpapatuloy mo pa ba ang pag-aaral mo?" 

After an hour of conversation over Skype with my uncle who is currently in Australia, he said "Dapat sa edad mong ayan, stable ka na eh. Kaso tignan mo yan, mawawalan ka na naman ng trabaho." 

My tears started to fall. He was obviously right. At my age, I was supposed to be a somebody by now. I would have been a somebody by now, had I not changed jobs. But the two years experience I had with the organization I am in right now is something that I don't regret.

It is actually something I am proud of. Working with wonderful people, meeting amazing minds and dreaming big for this nation. Talking to CEOs of big companies and start up companies and being mentored by one of the most powerful lady in the country. Yeah, she keeps herself on low profile, but her influence is enormous.

But still, going back to the issue, how do I package myself now to the direction that I wanted to take. I will always be an advocate of education for every Filipino because definitely, ignorance is the reason why we are poor.

8:40 PM

After eating Jolly Spaghetti and 3 rolls of shanghai and a serious conversation with Emil, I was able to calm myself. We are both on the same boat, but for him, he knows what path he wants to thread. He asked me the same question his father asked him back in December, when he was having his own dilemma. "How do you measure your success?"

How do I measure my success? As far as I know, I may be penniless but I am happy. I am just lost because of pressure and insecurity not because I don't know what I want. I want to build a career around the Finance Sector primarily, but I also think I would have a great career in the Development Sector as it is also aligned with my MA course at the moment. But still, I want to go back to the corporate sector. See? I know what I want. I'm just a little bit confused how do I package myself and where do I start again. After all, starting something is always one of the hardest part. At the moment, it is the letting go and the starting over again.

******
I miss Sundays like this. A good conversation with the oldies, tinola by Mama and lambingan with the younger sibs where I appear to be the little sister. I can't wait to move back home. I like seeing Papa petting his favorite cat out of our five cats. How he wants to throw them out but really don't have the heart to do so. I love eating home-cooked meals, we call them "real food" at home prepared by Mama. I like annoying my youngest sister, Nali, and asking her to do things for me. I like bugging my little brother, Doydoy, while he is watching a series on the internet. Rubbing his big belly and talking about how much weight he had gained over the years. I like teasing my younger sister, Bebs, to treat us to Jollibee or for an ice cream which usually happens. Though they endlessly tease me about being such a poor little Ate and a one day millionaire, I still love them. I just bought a book last night worth Php 900 and all I heard was, "Ate, share mo yung natutunan pagkatapos mo basahin."

Having such a loving family makes me want to provide more for them. So much more because they deserve it. Gotta make up my mind with that career path. With prayers and right conversations, I know I will get there. I have no choice but to get there anyway.

I can't wait to see how March unfolds for me.


                                                                          ******
I have an interview tomorrow at 1pm.


9:42 PM

Comments

  1. I do not know whether what i will write will help. I studied a different course before ending up being a teacher and then went back to school. I do not know where I was heading or where life will bring me to. I gave a talk to high school students telling them that nobody became a billionaire just by teaching. But there are many things we can do, career wise, where we can also teach and lead.

    In any career you chose, you can make it as your money maker and at the side, you do what you love. Having what you love and earn from it is a blessing, but for now, go where you can earn more and then do the teachings on the weekends. Volunteer just as when I did teaching at orphanages, churches and hospitals with no pay. I was very happy doing them.

    When I left the country, I became more independent. Earning less than six thousand, I survived those years until I became more stable. With the money I earn, I can travel and buy some things I need, and still be happy because I am in my chosen profession.

    If I wanted to earn more, I can do some business but will still teach at the side. I remember my dad telling me to take over his business and I said, Yes, I can do it but inside of me, I will die."

    Good luck my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At this point in my life, it really feels like im starting all over again. I know that my father and my uncle know that I had not wasted the past 6 years of my life for nothing. I've worked hard to support my sibs and the family and yeah my guilty pleasure of travel and spending. Another is they are part of the Baby Boomer years, wherein they have this mindset that whatever job you choose, will be your job forever. This is no time for regrets and shouldawouldacoulda for me. I am just happy that I had the chance to rearrange my life without a child yet who would suffer from my depressive state. And that I have a very supportive family around.

      Yes, the goal right now is for me to find a job that would allow me to save a lot of money in two years time. On the side, in my heart, I had been wanting to be a Sunday School teacher but I'm really afraid of committing myself to the church due to so many fears. That's one thing I am deeply considering right now. Find a job that would let me have my weekends and be of service.

      You will always be somebody who had inspired me so much.. in your passion for teaching, generosity, humility and optimism :) You are somebody i can say who had embraced life as it is!

      Thanks and cyberhugs!

      Delete
    2. Pahabaan ba ito ng comments, lol! Thank you so much for your kind words as I needed them right now as the school goes on a huge turnover. I forgot to add that teaching is not just inside the classroom, you can still make a great difference in other venues. Continue to shine forth and life will give you roses.

      Delete
  2. Cher Kat nahihiwagaan ako sa 'sistema' na tinutukoy mo. Hindi ko kasi alam kung prehas ba yun sa nararanasan ko bilang unang taon ko pa lang naman ito sa public school. Gayunpaman, kitang-kita ko talaga ang pagkakaiba, kakulangan at dapat na gampanan. Sa halos isang school year ko na pag-oobserve sa mga experiences ko sa public school may ilan dun na mapapasabi na lang ako ng "ay ganito pala..." at "...kaya naman pala ganito." Ganyan. Pero sa ngayon parang gusto ko pang magturo ulit ng isa pang taon dahil baka may magawa rin naman ako sa sarili kong paraan. Naisip ko lang after din kaya ng two years ko as public teacher, maiisip at mararanasan ko rin ba ang katulad ng sa iyo?

    Hanggang ngayon din naman ay sumasagi rin paminsan-minsan sa akin yung pagbabago ng career, yun nga lang pinakiraramdaman ko muna, at sa ngayon parang hindi pa talaga panahon.

    Good luck sa iyo cher Kat! God bless sa iyong mga plano, lagi mo kaming balitaan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We can have a cup of coffee and talk about your public school experiences :)

      Kung hindi mo pa nararamdaman at nakikita, marahil may mga administrators pa naman talagang maayos at ginagampanan ng maayos ang kanilang trabaho. Maraming teachers na every day, inspired magturo. Maayos na nagtuturo. Sana lang mapalibutan ka ng mga inspiring teachers and maayos na empleyado ng gobyerno para hindi mo makita yung sistemang minsan ay kumain sa idealism ko.

      Napakalaki ng respeto ko sa mga public school teachers.

      Anuman ang piliin kong career, lagi kong mamahalin ang pagsusulat at pagtuturo :) Salamat. God bless you too :D :D :D

      Delete
  3. Nakakatuwa dito. Puro mga teachers ang nag interact sa comments. Ako lang yata ang naiiba. hahaha!

    I really want to know who's that powerful influential lady. Alam mo naman ako, I am attracted to power. hehehe!

    Alam mo habang single ka at walang mga financial obligations, i think you should be more confident in making changes in your life. You still have that luxury. Pero ang mahalaga pa rin ay ang lumagay ka sa lugar na happy ka talaga.

    I have this friend, classmate ko noong masipag pa akong mag-aaral sa isang institute at nag-aaral ng foreign languages. Drop-out ako, habang siya, nakapagtapos. Ngayon, mas malaki ang salary ko kaysa sa kanya. Pero mas masaya siya kaysa sa akin.

    Kahit minsan na lagi siyang tuliro sa trabaho at minsan umuutang pa sa akin dahil short minsan siya sa budget, i can see in her the happiness that i can't even find in my new privileged status sa trabaho. O siguro dahil wala pa rin akong kasiping sa gabi kaya ganon? Nevertheless, the principle here is do what really makes you happy.

    Ako matagal na sa trabaho but it feels like I've wasted my years here.

    Minsan tinanong ako ng isa sa mga biggest crush ko (alam mo na, ayiiiiiiii! kiliiiiig! hahaha!) na paano ko masasabi kung successful nako. Napaisip ako. Common sense would dictate i would answer na magiging successful ako kapag hindi nako nagpapatakbo ng isang restaurant kundi ang maging business consultant/regional manager. Pero for me, it is still in writing. And i can say that I am successful if I achieve at least one Palanca award and publish a novel.

    Pangarap lang. Libre naman. Wag nang basagin ang trip ko.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a single yourself, do not be afraid to make decisions for your life as well :) :) :)

      I am in a happy place, but I guess, which do I act on first? The Happiness or the Courage to try something greater/lucrative?

      Every night, I pray that I get to choose, for now, its the love for the accounting and the systematic approach in everything that really my heart screams for my next career. I want to live a simple life surrounded with the people I love.

      you havent wasted your years! Youve done so many good things for sure. Being a leader and all. Youve done a lot.

      You have a long way to go. It's not an impossible dream at all. Sulat lang nang sulat. Basa nang basa. After all, the smell of the pages, the swimming letters on every page, are kind of addicting.

      Delete
  4. Makiki-comment lang. ^_^

    First of all, you had a very good fulfilling 2 years of your life. Hindi lahat ng tao ay nasusunod nila kung ano yung pinapangarap nila simula noong bata pa sila. Maaring hindi sila mapalad o sadyang kinatamaran na nila ang ideyalismo tungkol sa buhay nila. At dahil dyan, give yourself a pat in the back and say "Good job!".

    Second, yes, you have nothing left and maybe, nobody for now. But never underestimate yourself when you're at rock bottom. It gives you the full advantage. Because you're only looking up and that's the only way your going.

    Third, decision making. There is an urgency, yes, but do not rush yourself. Life-expectancy ng tao ngayon ay 60 years old. You still got 30+ of your life. Si Da Vinci, hindi sumikat noong bata sya. Si Einstein, matalino nga sya pero hindi nya nagamit agad yun at nakapag-create ng atom bomb. You take one step at a time, take the present opportunities right now and make use of it. Eventually, you will notice that everything will fall in to pieces. Remember, God is a great planner and a great provider.

    You are an achiever, determined and stubborn until you manage to deal with every challenges you faced. Getting frustrated and having anxiety is only a part of what you are going through right now, and that's natural, since you are in a transition of leaving what is precious to you and attending to your needs. Just feel it and take it. After all, that's what makes you a imperfectly beautiful person.

    Take it easy. Enjoy the comeback at your comfort zone. And Happy Friday! =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy Friday!

      Sa sulat pa lang, alam ko na kung sino ang nagsulat nito. Didn't realize you get to read my blog until now.

      Thank you for the flowers, they were lovely! You shouldn't have bothered at all. It was a grand gesture I am not sure I will be able to return.

      Delete
  5. Hi teacher Kat, I guess I am experiencing the same worries and fears as a public school teacher. I know exactly what u mean when u talk about the "system". Too bad on my side that I just can't do the same as you did. as of the moment, I have no other choice but to stay. haay.. Good luck on your chosen path

    ReplyDelete

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