I was a total wreck last night. It was a weekend I had been looking forward to but the universe had other plans for it not aligned with that of mine.
Nesting period at work is something I am not taking lightly. It took me four years to get in and I only have 8 weeks to prove I am worth the post. Though I knew that this looks like a dead-end job, I still took it. I would like to see it as my comfort zone. Even finding a comfort zone is a tedious task.
My lolo, my uncle, my tita's father, another tita's father and my uncle's wife, they recently all passed away either by sickness or of old age.
School has been stressful as well. What I thought of as easy-breezy study courses turned out to be very very difficult. More than reading, it's the processing of all the information that really chewed up all my brain energy. I should have dropped these subjects or quit just like what I did with that course from another university.
Looking forward to an escape for the weekend didn't go as planned because of the typhoon hitting the northern Luzon area.
All I really wanted was to escape, even just for a little while. The truth is, there is no escape at all.
There is no escape from mistake at work no matter how I try my best to get a score of a 100% on quality.
There is no escape from failing marks because I study to learn and because I know nothing.
There is no escape from disappointment because my plans are sometimes not God’s plan for me.
I needed rest not escape.
Shutting off from all the stressors won’t help me appreciate the good that comes after the storm. There is no escape after all. Once I come back from a getaway, the stressors would still be there. Sometimes, it had gotten worse.
Other Side of It All
Mistakes at nesting period should be taken as a period for mistakes and improvement.
Their deaths should be seen as the completion of their journey—they did not die young, they lived their lives well.
Pressure in school should be seen as a challenge. It is a place ti admit that I know nothing and I am willing to learn
Finally, there are reasons why things do go as planned. He probably did it in purpose to remind me to take it slow and stop running away when the going gets tougher than I can imagine.
After a sound sleep and waking up to the pitter-patter of the raindrops on the roof, I felt calmer. It is another day . Sitting down in front of my study table at home, made me see the books seeking my attention and waiting to be read. Prepping breakfast without rushing lead to a perfectly-cooked rice, something I had always been on struggle with. Greeting everyone good morning and then having lengthy conversations over breakfast. Then, walking back to my little safe space to reflect on how am I doing.
I felt calmer. The thought of the vanilla ice cream on the fridge made me smile. No need to brave the storm for a happy food. The thought of having time to reflect on my actions and decisions the past few days makes me grateful, especially for those that didn’t go as planned.
I needed this rest.
God wanted me to see things the way He had it planned for me—in His perfect time,
Lord, you think next weekend would be perfect to getaway? I promise, no more escape plans moving forward.