Friday Breakdown

Last Night.

"The third month is usually the hardest month, so I totally understand you on that." Katelyn said, while sipping on the can of chuhai (a fruit-flavored alcoholic drink of 9% saturation).
-me and my American neighbor talking while she pack her suitcase for her 4-day trip to Hong Kong.


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Last Friday night, I had a breakdown.

Three months and counting.
I tried to act as normal as possible. Go with the routine all the way, but something is just really very heavy in my chest that day. I tried taking deep long breaths. But there were moments that I feel like I was running out of breath and need to catch some air in my lungs like I was drowning from everything that was surrounding me.

I went to the conversation class. My favorite teacher was absent, I would have just turned my back and just stay home for another hour, but my not-so favorite teacher (Wednesday schedule) was smiling and was willing to adopt me for that free class. I sat down, we started a conversation that wasn't really a conversation coz he did mainly most of the talking. Still, he had me entertained throughout the hour.

Then, it was time to go to work again.

The work day went by, as normally as I would have done it. Taking frequent bathroom breaks so I could catch my breath and stop my tears from falling down. I kept doing that countless times in side the toilet where no one can see.

Work was over. Where would I go?

I went to the only bar I go to. But the people I usually hangout with weren't there. The bartender, who usually kept me entertained was busy. And I wasn't really in the mood. After one tall glass of tequila sunrise, I decided to just head home.

Alone again.

I needed to sleep.

I bought one small can of chuhai again and decided to stay at my colleague's unit and talk about her upcoming visit to the Philippines. last minute reminders and check ups about the flight and how to meet with my family at the airport for some documents I asked her to bring for me.

Then, I started talking. Then, I started crying. I wasn't stopping. I just kept crying.

I am still trying to fight back my tears as I write this now. But I think, I am feeling a little bit better.

I didn't realize how difficult it would be.
I dreamt of moving here. I prayed for this. I am here now. But how come, I still feel that emptiness.
I am happy to provide for my family. I had always prayed that I can do that, but how come I still feel lacking of something? What is wrong? With me?

Tomorrow, I will start a 3-day trip around Kyushu. I hope that my Dora-dora adventure will provide me with new perspective, a refreshed being and a more positive attitude to let me survive my OFW ordeals.

But for sure, whatever happened to me last Friday, that won't be the last time. It will happen again. I just hope that I have someone to hug again when it occurs.

3 comments:

  1. just keep on writing cher Kat :)

    ang sabi sa isang article na nabasa ko, ang mga intelligent na tao ay mahirap talagang makuntento o maging masaya sa buhay dahil palagi silang nag-iisip, nagtatanong, at naghahanap ng mga sagot, so alam mo na cher Kat, kaunti lang tayong ganun hahaha :)

    keri mo yan cher Kat, kwentuhan mo lang kami lagi :)

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  2. You must be missing home and also familiarity. Hang in there. I hope your trip to Kyushu will get your mind off things. Go and explore.

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  3. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. I offer my sympathy. I really cannot relate, because even though I know what it feels like being far from home in a town where you know very few people, I cannot imagine being in a foreign country where most people don't even speak the language.

    When I am feeling lonely and I have no one to talk to, there are two apps that I always use; Reddit and Imgur. (they are also websites if you don't have a smart phone) Reddit has threads about any topic you can think of, and you can post about anything and people will respond to you, or you can read other people's post, and find people who are experiencing similar situations to you. I used to go onto |r|lonely, |r|divorce, (those are sub reddits) and just find people to commiserate with. It is amazing that regardless if you yourself are at a low point, it makes you feel good inside when you are helping other people get through tough situations.

    Imgur is similar to Reddit, but it is mostly images that people post. Most of the images are pretty funny, and you can also find a lot of cute animals. Also it is fun to post comments on there, and sometimes people respond to comments that you posted.

    I am sorry you had a break down. I hope this helps.

    Lubu

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