I know what I want.


Dear Future Boyfriend,

As promised, here I am writing another letter to you. This time, it is as usual, dreamy and emotional.

I wrote my first letter to you sometime in 2013. I am a bit lazy to dig into the links, but it is just there. Today is 2018. You’re still not here. It still has “Future” on it.

I cry every night. Sometimes, it’s just quick tears and there are nights that it would be for an hour or until I fall asleep. Crazy, right? I felt relieved that I didn’t cry while I was in Okinawa. That would have been weird and would be embarrassing to explain.

I am scared that I may not recognize you because I have been trying to live my life as happy and grateful as I am now. I have been living a far too independent life, with a well-hidden emotional longing for you, that people see me as happy and contented and composed without you in my life right now. There is no way that I would give a hint unless otherwise they are good as deciphering tone and reading between the lines. Not a lot of people are.

My friend just advised me today that I should never, ever settle for anything less just because I have a ticking biological time bomb.

I would always be asked, “What are you looking for?”
Then, I would answer, “Someone with very long patience.”
I would jokingly add, “I am high-maintenance, IQ-wise, after all.”

I know what I want.
Someone who would choose to stay.
Not someone mesmerized by mysteriousness.
I don’t like to be chased.
I don’t want to be followed.
I want to be considered as the other-half.
I don’t want to be put in a pedestal.
I want to be handheld side-by-side.
I don’t want to be prized.
I want to be accepted as I am- an emotional rollercoaster with pretty much predictable states.
I love to be surprised.

Because I will take you as you are. I won't settle for anything less after all, right?

Then my friend told me, “Please be that same patient person.”

What do I have to do for you to find me? I am not really sure if I have been doing something significant for that matter, but all I can say is that I am tired and so I cry.

God reminds me that there is no fear in love. I have no fears of you not finding me. I trust God that He will lead you to me in His due time, just like how He had fulfilled my other wishes in the past. I just want you to know that I am sad and tired at this moment.

In the future, if you see me, please always have your arms wide open, ready to welcome me and then kiss my forehead and then just hug me for a bit longer than usual.

I have to sleep now. It’s past midnight.

xoxo,
Kat

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