A bucket of tears, anyone?

I asked my 15-year old uncle for a recommendation of a feel-good movie. Before that I watched a couple of horror films from the same director that really got into me and made me uneasy, the images still play in my head and caused me some light sleeps. I honestly enjoy watching scary movies, but maybe things have changed. I still enjoy them, but my memory isn't making me forget it well enough for me to move on, on a better move. 

So, our new list are teeny boppy movies. Tonight's jumpstart was Five Feet Apart. A love story of 2 teenagers who can't have any physical contact because of their respiratory system conditions. Quite timely now as we are in the verge of social/physical distancing brought by the perils of corona virus. 

As usual, I cried a bucket of tears as Will tries to expound on his most romantic move and then had to turn his back and leave because, the only way for her to be safe, is when he isn't around. I can only imagine how tough it is to hold control not to be in physical contact with someone you love so much. Not to be able to touch, kiss, hug nor lean. 

For physically-apart people, it had its own battles. There is that feeling of emptiness and vast space of coldness waiting to be filled with warmth. Sometimes, we had a tendency to fill it with the wrong people just because it has been so long and we get too excited to just fill the void with a that human warmth. Our judgment becomes clouded, we either become preys or the predators without us knowing that we are doing so. 

Hugs are mistaken to be that moves of affection but really, it is just a temporary call of lust. 

Companionships are thought to be mutual, but really, it is just because there are people who are afraid to be lonely. 

Attention is mistaken for affection because it has been awhile that someone had pretended to listen. 

The thoughts of the movies brought up a lot of inner fears. 

I am afraid that I will grow old alone because I am so getting used to this life of just being with myself. The wrong assumptions of the past had made me so pre-cautious about people who are trying to get close.  That I sometimes would be the one to take advantage of the hugs and warmth that they would offer and wouldn't be able to give anything in return. 

Crying had always been a way of free-ing myself of those inner anxieties. Tonight I had found excused on that movie. My days of freedom are numbered as I sworn the next couple of years to achieving that MA degree title, slowly building on that farm, then putting up a school as well? 

Oh yeah, the touch, thanks for reminding me. 

I can use some hugs, anytime. Would be very much nice if it will from someone who will choose to stay by my side.