Slower than a Turtle, but better than nothing

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November 5, 2021 
1600

Blacksmith Premium Garden 
Kagoshima City 

I opened and read my previous study guides for Education Research. It was a feeling of relief and happiness. 

Relief to know that I still have the courage to do it. 
Happiness because I am so proud of myself for choosing such a difficult task and working my way towards it. 

For now, the negotiated 2 minutes probably got extended to 30 minutes interrupted in between with conversations with my siblings and scrolling on my IG. Still a struggle, but getting there. 

I was also able to open the draft of my thesis proposal, added a few more questions that could possibly be re-structured to be research questions. Hmm… There are a lot of possibilities. 

At this moment, I am sitting down at a café in the midst of the bustling city of Kagoshima on a rainy day. I am praying that the rains would stop in time for my drive back to Miyazaki tonight. It will be somewhat around 3-4 hours if I decide to take the non-toll roads. 

The game plans for the coming months are clear, just study, get on it, cry buckets of tears for and because of it this graduate degree that I don’t even know will essentially make me a good mother to a child someday or a wonderful wife to an awesome man. 

Beneath this struggles of completion is a hollow space seeking to be filled by a life partner to share the mundane tasks and life sufferings with. I may not be as obviously outspoken about it as I am about with my struggles in getting back on track with graduate school, but it is that deep-seated feeling of solitude wishing to be paired with someone. 

Of the many wishes I have asked the universe for and prayed to the Lord, finding a life partner had been the trickiest wish to ask for, but who am I do question the way of the Lord in my life? 

Time, what a concept. Gap in time, what a harder concept. For now, let me fill my time with things and tasks that I find meaningful for me and for others—to be of service and to be kind. 


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