27 Nov 2025

I had been looking forward to writing. In my head, I have been writing, only that they haven't been typed or written, literally.

Our baby, Hiraya, is now a month-old and I couldn't be more grateful that we were able to thread what seemed to be felt like forever and as another moment of firsts, and this time, with a tiny life involved, every moment felt fragile and fearful that I might risk the little life entrusted to me. 

The past few weeks taught me and continually teaching me about dependence and seeking help. To be in entirely on the receiving end of it is somewhat new to me. 

Having no steady income of my own for the past few months, not being able to drive myself to places, controlling myself not to spend so much, it was hard to think of. As days go by, I learn to trust more and more.

A great shoutout to my husband for being so patient and reliable as ever. There were days that weren't perfect, but we held onto each other. Not being able to hug him long enough during bedtime was quite a change and I am looking forward to the days that we can get to hug more, not just the two of us, but with our little Hiraya as well. 

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A morning phone call from a friend spark on a good conversation about my realization on this new stage of life that I am in. I am very much grateful for him for asking and for being interested if there were people I get to talk to about this. I said yes, but of course, we still have to do our friendship therapy sessions like this one. 

Thinking about it, 2025 was actually about this conception, pregnancy, birth and then learning how to take care of a little human being. A year of extraordinary growth. It even bore a fruit. I now have a baby. I am a mother now. 

So, some of the things I have realized: 

1. There would feel like a change of identity as soon as I held the baby. It felt like all the things I used to do, the strong identity I had build for myself for the past adult life, it felt like it would all be crushing down. Coz, the first few weeks that we are in right now, the baby is the priority, and each day and night felt like forever. I cried the first few days. But over time, I realized, it is an identity transformation, for the better. Call it an additional feather to the hat. I can now say, I'm an immigrant, I'm a teacher and I'm a mother. Loud and proud. 

2. Dependency is all about trust. Literally, I am transitioning from a working visa to a dependent visa and it took me while to accept that. Nonetheless, I am also excited for the type of freedom this change would give me. 

3. It gets better. Every day, indeed, it gets better. For sure there a some kind of hiccups along the way, but life with the newborn has been amazing. The morning smiles, the bond, the giggles. That warm hug and tiny hands that rests on my chest as I lull her to sleep. If only she could stay that way forever. 

4. I can now write again. 

I am happy. 

Thank you for this life.