What was the last gift you received?

365 QOTD
What was the last gift you received?

A chocolate bar from one of my students.

He said he flew to Tokyo and bought some omiyage.

--
2am and I just laid in bed. I had finished answering a question for 1 of the 2 discussion threads. I still have one to complete by tomorrow.

Submitted one of the major papers for this semester and I still have 6 to write about--- 2 case studies, 1 analysis paper, 1 online hunt report, 2 essays.

I never realized that it will be this hard. But if I give it time and sit down and work on it, I seem to be able to understand and provide answers to the study guide questions.

To make this endeavour really work and be fruitful, I really need to give up some things. Like, I had to limit my social media time, and online part time job. Going out to study has proven to be not so effective and expensive. With that, I just need to keep my home conducive to learning.

Still a long way to go. 2 more years of learning and understanding.

How old do you feel?

365 QOTD

How old do you feel?

I feel old yet I feel young.
I am caught in between the freedom brought by being single and that urge to be with someone. Most of my friends, at my age are already married and are already parents or on the way to being parents.

Had I not been working on papers for my own schooling, I probably would be sulking and stalking whoever online until I fall asleep, or would be reading not-so-helpful stuff online, worst, I probably would be reading articles about Duterte and posting tons of hate posts about him and his stupid fandom.


*****
It is National Holiday in Japan today but we got work from 9am-6pm. Not a bad schedule, today was one of those days that I felt like a normal employee like before. I was able to get out of the office just about when the sun is about to set. Felt good.

After work, as promised, I met with my Japanese friends who offered to either pay me small amount of money per hour or dinner for an English conversation, of course, I chose the moolah! Hahahaha! It will be additional emergency funds and/or funds for pasalubong for family when I get back home. I have no idea how these kind of things operate but I am happy to be able to chat with them. Most of the time, they know the words to use but just very hesitant to speak. I actually don't have to teach them anything, they know how to use the language, it's just the lack of confidence that really hinders them. With this type of conversation, I get to learn about the culture, the people around me and expands my network as well.

After that, impulsive shopping strikes in again. I dropped by at Maxvalu for rice and other food supply. Hopefully enough to get me through the week.
******

My brain really starts working at late nights and very early mornings. Like tonight, I started on my paper at around 11pm and just finished a few minutes ago. I feel very exhausted though I haven't done much physical activities.

Tita was very, very kind enough to check on my paper before I submit it this coming Friday. She even asked for the transcriptions of the data for the other two papers coz she is in the mainland for training and would have internet access so we can talk about my papers.

******

So much stuff to do and so many things to read. Goodnight for now!

My fave drink at the cafe- ginger ale :) 

What went perfectly about your day?

Dinner break in between study times. 
365 QOTD

What went perfectly about your day?

I was woken up by a morning phone call from family.
I was able to get caught up with a friend for an almost 3 hour video chat.
I was able to study, a bit.
I was able to do some grocery shopping.

The best part was that conversation with my friend reminding me to save up for rainy days. I really appreciate him checking on me if I were able to save up and how my spending habits have been coz I'm really having a hard time figuring out what to do and how to deal with stuff. He was also able to walk me through how to use the Abema TV on my chrome cast.

My aunt was also kind enough to check my recent paper for one of my subjects and since she will be in the mainland for the week, she is also asking if I can send her the transcriptions for the other two papers I intend to write for the other subject.

******

Tonight's dinner was the no-sweat prep tuna in olive oil pasta with salad on the side.
******

I think,  I am really better off to just be single and be surrounded with good people.

Oh life. Why do I even have to feel this way?

The computer I used the most is....

365 QOTD

The computer I use the most is my Macy.

It's my very old MacBook white I got as secondhand many many years ago from someone I used to know.

It's been with me for almost 5 years now. And maybe as a reward to myself, I ought to buy a brand new MacBook air laptop :) Soon, baby, soon.

*****
There has been a lot of tension between Ms. E and I after work. You know that kind of person who isn't sensitive enough about other people's situation. That's what she has been. Talking so much even though the manager has been telling her indirectly that she needs to shut up and do her thing silently. Hayst. She was even asked if she can write it down and then she could just give it to her because the manager have a lot of things to do and can't think anymore but she kept on talking the whole hour! It was just so frustrating that I had to go out of the room just so I could find some peace.

She even tried to confront me about it but wouldn't listen so there was no point of talking. I just needed the peace moment.

Then, checked out today's news only to know that Commission on Human Rights got a meager budget of PHP 1000. How can that even defend the lowest rank of human rights? Also talk about people who would blabber nonsense and then realized its nonsense and then delete it? Ugh.


My life would have been easier ___________.

365 QOTD
My life would have been easier ___________.

If I only have one point of interest in my life. It will be easy to focus on what to do and prioritize. But that is not my kind of life.

*****
I didn't get to update my critique paper this morning after discovering that my fridge wasn't working. Had to call the service center who had to put me on hold for a many times coz the person on the other line is afraid that we may have an understanding. Though even before that, I had prepared the few Japanese words I anticipated to use for the conversation. Oh well, at least they were able to confirm that they will have the ref replaced on Sunday morning, all good still.

I finally figured out which book to use for the basis of how my 2 case studies will be designed. So, yeah, more reading days and nights to come.

My friend invited me to a ballroom tutorial session on Sunday night, oh well, that's is how I roll now, I go dancing. LOL.

News from home are all FU and there is this guy FB friend who would only comment whenever I say something against his almighty president. I didn't even put anything offensive on my post, but he would always comment with SMH and hostility. Whatever happened to Unfollow Button if you don't wanna see my post or Unfriend if he really is affected by my shits in life. But of course, I will not even retaliate or show any evidence that I give a damn. Coz, I really don't. BURN. HUBRIS.

The Way I See It


This is us now, Philippines.
Nothing but keyboard warriors.
While we let the real Berdugo wipe out the more innocent lives. The real hope. The real entity of the Filipino our heroes of the past had long built--the innocent, industrious, young and hopeful…
********

Every morning, I am trying to work on my output for my Foundations of Reading as part of my MA class. Little by little, I try to go back to our readings and incorporate those what I have learned for the day to my paper. But still not enough. ANG HIRAP MGA BES!

It made me think about how social media drastically changed our reading comprehension and information processing from critical thinkers to violent reactors, yes I myself included.

On DU30 and Friends.
Every day, as I drown myself into social media and it’s a struggle to get out of, I get to realize how much our society is going down just because our schemata of common good and leadership had changed to become so shallow and violent. I could even out a subschema of fear into it. That war on drugs includes EJK and that includes innocent young people. Fake news and blogging is considered news. People had grown this habit of posting their speculations and comments that would hurt others, and smart-shaming and give justification that it is freedom of speech.

On Kita Kita Movie
We let “hugots” succumb our emotions and we saw love as a combination of an ugly and martyr, we failed to see the stalker in the man and the recklessness of the girl. This one, I got to realize after having a conversation with a Filipino guy I just met for the first time here in Miyazaki.

I miss my friends whom I can have discussions about books and their implications in life, how our society is changing and what can we do to make it a better place, the dreamy days of making classrooms safe and a haven for every child.

I am one of those Filipinos who decided to look for greener pastures outside the Philippines coz, every day, it breaks my heart to see how our society is deteriorating and my little ways aren’t enough to make it a better place. I didn’t realize that the heartbreak is of the same intensity as I watch it from afar, including the fear for my own loved ones.

It’s a struggle to convince myself to read journals, handbooks and academic references, reading more and more makes me realize how little I know, makes me so thirsty of knowledge and greedy to learn more, but my body and motivation is still limited. Gapang kung gapang.  

No doubt that we are literate readers, but the value we put on processing the things we decided to put effort and energy to read is what matters. We need to think deeper, way deeper than our emotions. We actually need to level it up to our brains.


*****
With that, in mind, mas gusto ko na lang basahin yung Cosmos by Carl Sagan, which is part of one of the articles we read for this week.

Ang sakit lang po sa puso ng mga kaganapan sa Pilipinas. Ingat po kayong lahat na nandyan!

The last doctor's appointment you made was because _____________________.

365 QOTD
The last doctor's appointment you made was because _____________________.

It was because I needed to get medical clearance after I arrived here in Miyazaki as part of my employment pre-requisite. 


*******
Woke up at 7am as expected and was able to transcribe a 15-minute close reading video that I chose for my reading critique paper. Though I still don't know where I will start with it, I am getting started somewhere. Little step. Little steps. 

Work was quite alright. The boss was a bit understanding knowing that I am reading school materials while at work. 

My front tooth jacket needs to be checked by a dentist. It is becoming annoyingly painful and I am not sure how long will I be able to put it off my schedule. I have a very low tolerance of pain.

I started reaching out to my classmates through Moddle App how I we would get through one of the 2 subjects that we have this semester. Everything is a blur and I am really swimming in some kind of quicksand and if I just keep moving without direction, I might just drown myself.  I felt relieved that they are responsive and that is quite a consolation to know that not only me is having a hard time with everything that is happening with that subject. 

I cooked dinner. Apparently, I missed moving around the kitchen. I haven't done my grocery for the week yet, but I am hoping to get it done by Thursday. 

I bought two books by Carl Sagan via amazondotjp coz, they are way, way cheaper that I had ever imagined, secondhand books are cheaper and usually, full of surprises ;) I had to think deep if I want to buy the Viktor Frankl book, Man's Search for Meaning, too. Hahahaha. With all the modules and additional readings I had to do for acads, I can't imagine how would I even start reading these books for pleasure! 

I repotted my little cacti family and they are now sitting prettily in my little study table. My brother suggested that I also look for a bonsai'd mother-in-law-tongue plant that I can include in my collection.

Hmm.. I really am getting old. I am starting to like plants, cooking and groceries. 

Where would you like to go?

365 QOTD

Where would you like to go?

I want to go to Europe. I want to see castles and dungeons and cobblestones and old things and museums. I don't know but I am fascinated by these kinds of things-- history, old-fashioned lifestyle and just the peace and silence that comes with the exhibits.

****
Monday has been the kind of day I could wish any work day would be. People at work are calm with not so much pressure about sales and other money-related concerns. I was also able to do quick readings in between classes.

The bookmarks my friend had collected for me from parts of the world have also arrived in the mail today-- from NYC, NZ and SG. I started collecting bookmarks 2 years ago when I realized that I have no collections of whatsoever. I am not a fan of ref magnets and other trinkets that would just pile up in a corner and had no functional value for a long time. Thus, I had collected keychains and bookmarks. From friends, I ask for bookmarks then as for me, I try to find Hello Kitty keychains from places I had visited here in Japan. 

I finished a module for one of my subjects in MA class as a prerequisite for a paper that I have to start writing tomorrow. I have been neglecting the other subject that I know needs more of my attention, so tomorrow morning, I will work on it as well. I never thought that it is this difficult. Well, I am enrolled to the best school in my country, and so, for sure, they expect nothing but the best from their students. The major struggle isn't really with what I study but with finding the time and encouragement to keep reading and thinking. Work is a major time-consuming factor. But I can't complain. I chose this for myself. I wanted this, I just really hope that I will have that same motivation until I get my diploma in two years.

I can't help but feel happy when I get to receive random messages.

The piano piece The River Flows in You by Yiruma played on my playlist just a few minutes when I was almost finished with studying. I couldn't but just stop and listen. I don't know why, but there is something with that musical piece that consumes me and mesmerizes me. Maybe its the sadness and longing.

Still, I am going to bed with a grateful heart. 

What was the most recent thing you've learned?

365 QOTD
What was the most recent thing you've learned?

* Today, I met with my mentee via Skype and I learned that I should never set the same expectations I had made for myself, to others.
* No drinking until papers are finished.
* If I really want to get things done, I really should realize my priorities and focus.


************

I got caught up with the latest Game of Thrones episodes as of today.

One thing I noticed about myself while watching the 3 episodes is that I don't look away from bloody scenes anymore. I stare straight on the screen. That twisted feeling on my stomach whenever I see a spurt of blood, death or any violent scenes, is gone. What has changed?

Highball and modules go well together

365 QOTD
What decision you wish you didn't have to make?

Hmmm.. How would I incorporate the house chores in my day. As a single lady, who is studying and working at the same time, also living alone, trying incorporate all these things in my day is tiring. I wish I can have more time in studying than thinking about what would I eat, how would I budget money, shopping clothes that would be flexible for use for different occasions, when should I do the laundry....

Though studying and work are my priorities, I can't just compromise my personal needs. So, I also have to take time to make sure that these things are properly attended to because, it would affect my work, my way of thinking and my health.

But really my wish is..... I wish I can come home to someone on a weekend, prepare and eat dinner together, talk about each other's day over wine, plan how to spend the weekend---cuddle or adventure,  have mind-blowing sex, then have a sound sleep and wake up to a beautiful morning and be productive citizens again. Then just keep repeating that cycle.


*******
I planned to study at work but since we have a new hire, that took most of my time entertaining the new guy and how to go about the work stuff and teaching kids.

Going home for lunch saves me time to prepare my obento and makes my bag lighter too! Since the weather is getting colder, I find it as a good exercise and getaway from toxic elements at work for an hour as well.

Highball and modules go well together, but can't really have it always like that. I still prefer the not so cozy ambiance of McDonalds as it gives me that urgency to just keep going with my goals for the night. Plus, it's a good venue for people-watching :)

Tomorrow is Saturday, nothing new. Sunday, I have a mentoring program scheduled in the morning and I haven't even looked into the manuals and sheets they had forwarded. I don't know what to tell the upcoming graduates whom I will talk to on Sunday. Hahahaha.

It's starting to get colder and the graduate school thingy was a good thing to keep me busy.

おやすみなさい。

Through It All Cover Song






Through It All
Keiko Necesario

You know I hate it sometimes
Whenever I don't get much of your time
But I can take it, Oh I'll

Take the bullet everytime
I swear I don't mind

It's funny
How I would always end up in this kind of story
But don't you worry
Cause I know that I am ready
I'm ready to rise and fall,
Be there for you through it all

Ladam, dadam, dada, Ladadadam

I see you on the other side
With you, there's really nothing much I can hide
You're looking right into my soul
Take my everything 'cause they are yours to hold

Maybe this is beautiful and sometimes kinda scary
But isn't it worthy to believe in possibilities?
I'm ready to rise and fall be there for you through it all

La la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la,

La la la la la la la

It's funny
How I would always end up in this kinda story
But don't you worry

Cause I know that I am ready
I'm ready to rise and fall,
Be there for you through it all
Maybe
this is beautiful and sometimes kinda scary
But isn't it worthy to believe in possibilities?
I'm ready to rise and fall,
Be there for you through it all
I'm ready to rise and fall,
I'll be there for you through it all
Ohh ohh ohh mmm

How much is a gallon of milk?

365 QOTD
How much is a gallon of milk?

I don't know! I live in a country where they use the Metric System of Measurement. Sorry!

*******

Im gonna try to sleep before 12 midnight tonight.

Today went pretty good, I think. Though, I wasn't able to study long enough this morning. I was able to sort out some of the ideas and notes I have in preparation for the writing of my first case study. I had never written anything more than 700 words for the past 10 years, I think. Most of my reports and essays are very short and all of my own point of view.

So, the case studies that I will be writing are big challenges that I am taking my time to build. In two months, I wonder what I will accomplish. Just gotta keep reading and writing and reflecting. Hayst. What is this I have chosen for my life?! LOL. Someday, I keep telling myself, it will all be worth it.

I was able to do a one-shot recording before I went to work this morning. I obviously made a mistake on the last two lines of the song, but I really had no time nor extra energy to re-do the whole video recording. I was just happy that I was able to sing and play the guitar again. Next time, really gotta do that Japanese version of the Moana theme song.

おやすみなさい。

Sea Cross, Where Wishes Come True.

After a day-long trip north east of Miyazaki, on our drive home, Tita G asked me while I am taking my Masteral Studies. At this point in my life, I should probably have busy myself with other stuff like finding a boyfriend and eventually settling down, right?

I answered her with the usual answers I give:
1. I'm bored here. I thought I have a lot of free time.
2. I really wanted to graduate from University of the Philippines. Though, I had graduate from a regional flagship state university, there is distinct pride in graduating from the national flagship university.
(I had to give up my undergraduate option due to circumstances that were out of my control coz I was a minor, but now, I control my choices and I chose to do this.)
3. I am single and what else is there to do but improve oneself.

Last night was the longest hour, so far, that I had studied (with cellphone scrolling on the side) 4 hours. Then, I slept only for 3 hours then headed back again to McDonalds to study for another 2 hours so as not to feel guilty for not being able to study the whole day coz we had gone somewhere as our last getaway for this year's summer.

Our not-so planned trip took us to Hyuga City. A city in the northeastern part of Miyazaki Prefecture facing the Pacific Ocean. Aside from surfing, the city is famous for a certain mountaintop destination named Sea Cross, Where Wishes Come True. It is a cove formation where several islets come together and the waters in between forms two small channels that intersect and form a Cross. For a country with almost 1% of people with so-called belief in a Divine Being, this kind of sightseeing spot is somewhat unusual to me. But then, in one way or another, Japan has been penetrated by several movements of faith and sects.

Tita G said that I should make a wish, coz she did the same before and her wish came true.
I made two wishes. I realized I should have made three.



1. One for career.
2. One for my heart.
3. One for my entire being to be of help to others. I actually don't know how that one would work.

Funny as it my seem, I guess, one had an instant answer. He is certainly telling me to wait and avoid making irrational actions and the dark side of the night. But still, I am letting life surprise me. More than wishes, there are prayers and that unexplainable faith.

For the meantime, let me also contribute on working on these wishes by being the responsible and committed to results adult that I am.

Wednesday was a good day. Life is constantly reminding me that no matter how many disappointments I may come across with, I have a loving family and friends to come home to and that I can just always clean up my mess and start anew the next day.

From last night

Last night's four hour studying drowned me with readings and video clips on studies about how babies acquire a language.

Cuteness overload and I definitely want one for myself too!

My dear unborn child, I am not sure if the next few years is a safe time for you to be alive, but rest assured that I am excited to hold you in my arms once you come. We are not yet sure who your father will be, nevertheless, I will shower you with all my love. Soon, my dear unborn child. For now, let me work on my future that I will share with you.

Back to the Rhythm.

I'm back in Miyazaki. Totally.

It took almost a day to clean all the mess I had made when I arrived last night. But, I'm back to the rhythm again. Hopefully. That new rhythm of Work, Study, Read, Eat, Cook, Work, Study, Sleep I had established on it's third week now. The sudden weekend trip almost tipped me off the rhythm, but I am picking it up again.

The trip was good. It was good proof that I can still be spontaneous and brave. I thought I can never be.

Meeting with my former students and now considered friends in Japan is such something I can't believe that could happen to me.

Exploring the museums, shrines and walking around the city on a good sunny Sunday, was a great escape. It made me miss my camera so much. I didn't really do a lot of shopping. I realized that I was looking for the same shops and so, there was really no difference. I just gotta check out other places. I was able to drop by the cafes I wanted to take a peek into and someday, I can really just chill out into one of them. I was also brave enough to seek for help about directions-in my broken Japanese speaking attempt.

I bought four little cacti plants and had put them on my table. Something new and different inside my little space. This is the start of my gardening journey. A long way to go.

I had also used the infamous dating app and for the 2nd time, and hopefully the last time, I deleted my profile in Tinder and uninstalled the app on my phone last night while on the bus. It is just something not really gonna work for me. I've met one guy through it over the weekend in Fukuoka. He was great! We had a good conversation over a few cans of beer and ume-shu, shared kisses while on a drunken state and parted ways in the end. That's all it can get me.

Im back in Miyazaki.
I'm back to my job, the modules, the chores, the books, and to myself.

You know where to find me.

forgive me my little space...

Two weeks had passed since graduate school had resumed. I thought I would never make the shift but here I am again.

Shifting to MA in Language and Literacy Education was a logical idea since I am in a field that is very related to language education and I can say, that is the career I would grow old on.

Two weeks since I started burying myself into the books again, struggling with scheduling regular chores and work. Aside from the time and priorities, it is the focus that I am struggling with. My days had been like this:

7AM Wakes up from bed straight to the laptop to read and take down notes from wherever I had left off from last night. Reads the news, checks emails, and yawns. Tries to go back to studying.

Checking the phone in between readings and note-taking, until the phone scrolling swallows me whole and I lost all the focus for the morning.

9AM makes breakfast and scrolls on youtube for whatever subject of documentary that would catch my interest for the next 1.5 hours while I move around the house.

10:30AM preps for work, packs obento. In my head, I am also calculating if I can do quick study while in school or if I should bring my laptop and go to McDo where I will study for the night.

Then work goes on.

I just realized that for the past few days, I haven't had any decent dinner at all. Either I grab some McNuggets or burger or fries! So unhealthy. So expensive too!

But at McDo since it is a public place, I seem to be able to focus far more longer than when I am at home where I can just get easily distracted and too comfortable. Plus, I think, the audience effect also works on me.

I still have a lot to read and learn from the bottom.

I have a lot of things I want to achieve apart from this academic title and honestly, I want to have a boyfriend, but at this kind of situation I have, and the place where I am, it is a struggle even just to make friends, moreso maintain a relationship. So, forgive me my little space, there will be more rants about being lonely and frustrated. But definitely there will be stories of little success about my little attempts to improve myself, investments, life abroad, side trips and spontaneous thoughts.

False Positive Results.

There so much violence going in the Philippines and I am just a bystander, watching from afar. It's frustrating, sorrowful and worrisome.

I fear not for myself but for members of my family who might become sudden targets of this "war on drugs". Just recently, a 17- year old boy was killed by two policemen accusing him of being a drug runner together with other members of his family in Caloocan City.

Then, today, my fellow alumni from Teach for the Phils. just informed me that there are a lot of tagging and forced drug tests in the community where we used to teach last 2013-2015. Most of the tests coming out as "false positive". Then, while we were just chatting, one of her students posted a status about gun shooting in the same area.

I simply lost my grip to keep calm for the remaining hours at work.

I worry because, the community my family lives in right now is not different from where the young boy was killed and where the gun shooting happened. We are not rich who can afford to live on exclusive villages and be able to sleep soundly at night. I worry not because any of my family is guilty of anything, but because, even the innocent ones are targeted.

Never had I thought before that I will live in a period in time full of fear and social unrest. This current administration had never gotten my approval, but never had I imagined that it will go beyond it's promise just to stay in power. My recent readings in Machiavelli, Nietshzche, Marx and Sigmund Freud are like words coming into life in different aspects of life in Manila.

The only contribution I can offer is just to formulate survey questions for our former co-teachers in the community so we can gather data and interpret it, and maybe, be able to use connections so we can take actions, in our own little way. But I can't even think straight or can't figure out where to begin with everything without compromising the safety of everyone who will get involved. I feel like I am in sort of tv drama with so many twists and turns and deaths to come.

I need to take a deep breath and a good sleep.
Sleep-- something so precious and I can't even get it straight lately.
Help me God.

These are the only ways I can think of.

I had just completed another module in my Foundations of Reading subject. I am technically ahead by one module in this class but 2 modules delayed in my Theories of Language Acquisition subject. Help!

As I am still trying to pick myself from reading very very slow with all these academic terms and concepts, I can’t help but panic for myself if I will be able to finish this degree at all, or choose the other one: I will give up. But so far, I choose to persevere and do the best I can to finish.

Aside from this personal disappointment, I am also bothered by the recent killing of a teenager boy back home. He was murdered by some policemen who accused him of being connected to some illegal drug acts, but the evidences surrounding his death says it was a brutal murder and an act of violation. I feel so much hurt and helplessness for I am but an OFW, away from home, and even if I am home, I can probably not help them in any. I can only make a little noise and clamor to shout justice for his death. On top of that, I feel fear for my own siblings and friends who can also become helpless victims of this sudden killings and violence in Manila. I never imagined that in my lifetime, I will experience such fear and acts of terror, for there were already heroes in the past who offered their lives so I can live in a free and safe Philippines. I am more than 4000 miles away from home, but I feel the fear and the anger for the government whose ultimate purpose is to take care of its state. The democracy that freed us is also the same democracy that is binding us all in fear. I may have left PH, but my soul is planted in it.

I can only watch from afar, shout from beyond the seas and pray to God to provide justice for that young soul of Kian. These are the only ways I can think of.

Maybe, study harder also? So I can be a better teacher. Not for just the Philippines but for the entire world.