Somersault Emotion.

August 24, 2016.

I’m still thinking how I would describe this day… I just got back to work after almost 2 two days of being sick. I still tried to run some errands last Monday. Visited some friends and completed a video-demo for another job application. Good thing that my friend’s house was just near the venue, I was able to take a good rest before the taping and quick interview. Come Tuesday morning, I can’t get up from bed anymore. Good thing our on-call “hilot” lady was available and was able to attend to me after lunch. Rest. Then, Wednesday arrived.

Today is the start of the online release of results for the July 2016 JLPT.

I didn't pass. I missed it by 3 points.

I was kinda prepared for the heartbreak. I knew in my heart that if I pass, it would really be by grace and if I fail, I knew that I what I had tried to learn from the past few months weren’t really enough just yet. Mainly because I became careless and complacent.

I feel sorry for myself for not being so focused. My uncle mentioned that I really lack prioritization. Staying late nights with friends some times or he would catch me watching movies on my laptop. But really, it probably were those days that I went out to have some fun. I shouldn’t have done that sooner. I also remember those early morning alarms that I had to dismiss because I don't wanna get up from bed just yet. The ultimate “manana habit”. Also, accepting proofreading jobs in the midst of review and a week before the exam, had really made me lose focus.

I feel sorry for the people who gave me support regarding this matter. It breaks my heart to relay the news to them.

Colleague who really helped me a lot in the reviews:

G: Ok lang yan Kat. Kung tutuusin, isang linggo ka lang talaga nag-aaral. Wasak naman kasi yung weekend classes mo eh!

Classmate in Nihonggo class:

T: Close na sa passing. Galing pa din. Easy na sayo pag-retake. Don't be sad na J

Bestfriend:

M: You did your best, right?

I’ve sent an FB message to our Sibs group, but I was only seenzoned by my youngest sister.

While having a flashback on how the last 5 months had gone by, there were really days that I had slackened off. Had I kept my focus, I probably wouldn’t be writing it this way. There was no one else to blame but me. Though, it was true that the weekend classes were too lax and sometimes, the teacher didn't even really teach, I should have made my own actions then and there. I shouldn’t have joined the bandwagon of slacking off. I was having so much fun and gotten too overwhelmed by little praises that easily went into my head and got way over confident than what is necessary. I had built a small comfort zone, falling short-sighted of my initial goal why I am studying.

Phonecall after the exam:
Papa: Oh kumusta yung exam mo?
Me: Ang hirap po Papa.
Papa: Ok lang yan. Kapag hindi nakapasa, eh di mag-take ulit. Pero ipanalangin natin na makapasa ka.
Me: Oo nga po eh. Thanks Pa.

This is will be the first exam that I will re-take ever. The ones that had failed never had second chances. Papa passed the CPA board exams on his second take. So maybe, I will pass this exam on my second take as well? Coz, I am his daughter.

Second chances. Second chances. I hope second chances really do give a chance.

It’s a good day after all. I want the plain vanilla sundae from McDonalds, but I have sore throat and slight fever. So, maybe when I am better. For the meantime, re-align focus. I never thought that my dream of working in Japan would be this tedious. Too early too give up on my dream though.