Regla Sa Utak March 2020 Edition

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https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=1tkwGz5vOl5KzA6V_v3nQdAg-4qJXHvcc
4th of March 2020. 
I am feeling it. I can see it coming. Then, it was already there. 

That evening, I had a very bad response to my big sister-cousin's announcement that they are changing her daughter's birthday theme. Just when we all had their birthday balloons delivered and one has been inflated. I had said all the unkind words I can think of that moment and my cousin also took it seriously and never responded to me thereafter. 

Oh well, then, there is this other person who was also trying to be smart and then ended up being... I don't know.

Good thing that we had to a surprise dinner outside and I was able to eat a cup of ice cream. I really realized how pesky and stubborn I had been and my pride couldn't take it to apologize for how such an a bratty, biatch had I been and continue to be. 

I just had to take a deep breath. 

Wednesday also tried to eat me alive. I cried. Tears welled up my eyes as I tried to walk my way home and realize that I had left my key in school and my landlord was nowhere in the city to be of help to me at the moment. So, I had to bother other people and go back to school. My body was aching in all parts, my head was throbbing and I can't stop thinking about the things I had to do. 

Days like these are a different kind of battle. I even had my self-pity moment, telling myself that maybe, I am indeed so hard to love and it must be really tough to handle my days like these, I, myself, am having a hard time understanding and accepting this side of me. Acknowledging it is one, accepting it is another. 

I pray that I can forgive myself every time I get to snap at others. I pray that others understand that my snapping is not really my intent, but it is a part of myself that I am still trying to control... Yes, at 33 years old, I am still on the path of working on it. I am not giving up on myself yet at this one. As much as I hope that I get to control it and prevent further damage to my relationships, in case, others won't have time to understand me.

*****
Dear you, 

On days like this, I wish I can just cry on your shoulders. I wish can just keep sobbing, my tears wet your shirt, and I clutch on your sleeves. Your arms around me, as your hand caress my arms. You hush to stop me from crying. I can hear your stable heartbeat and I slowly stop crying and close my eyes and then, everything is alright again. 

On days like this, I wish you are with me. But I guess, this isn't the right kind of person that I am supposed to be when I am with you. I keep praying to God that you find me soon. I hope you are praying for the same. 

On days like this, I wish you're here. 

K 

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