Just when I had set my brain to sleep early, it did feel sleepy very early, but it had awaken again after a few minutes, making my consciousness alive and active, just like that when you take a catnap. Oh boy.
Tomorrow will be sort of a big day. I will be taking Japanese Language Proficiency Test, N4. Sort of a judgment day for all those times I tried to learn the language in different ways:
Free conversation course offered in the city
TV Series/Movie Marathons
Attempts to converse with friends and co-workers
I even had set a schedule for myself to follow for a few months and then suddenly, I drifted away from it and I have consciously told myself to study, pick a material and then work on it. Until I am back to the momentum then it fades away again. It had been a constant battle of willingness and need to learn and keep myself occupied.
I had accumulated quite a good number of learning/test-taking practice materials over time and had I been more consistent with studying, I probably won’t feel this advance guilt should I not pass the exam.
I don’t know why I am like this. I always am optimistic when comes to learning outcomes for others but for my own, I seem to always feel of falling short of my own expectations. I can never feel contentment with my efforts for myself. Why do I have to be this unkind to myself?
I was browsing in the exam materials and I seem to have forgotten everything. All of it. The same old worrisome that I am is getting into my being and that confidence just melted away.
Then, I remember I have a God. Why do I keep forgetting?
This life had turned me into a self-centered freak, chronic worrier and just solitary. As my neighbor snores soundly, I bet, I snore loud myself, here I am writing my worries.
(Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.-Desiderata)
Dear Self, whatever the result of tomorrow’s exam, everything will be okay. There is always another time. Another chance. New learnings. You will be fine. You will do great because God will never ever forsake you, nor lead where you aren’t supposed to be. So, end this post. Get into bed. Turn off the lights. Pray. Sleep well. Tomorrow will be an awesome day to celebrate knowledge, faith, family, friends and life itself. Remember, you will be fine.