If it's time to go, it's time to go.

I first met him the first quarter of this year. 

Good conversation. Good listener. Great sense of humor. Sushi. Coffee. Tea. 

I thought that was the last time I'll see him. Then he ghosted on me. 

I felt fine. 

Then, on the night of my birthday surprise, he told me he was in Miyazaki for a short holiday. 

In the midst of all the surprises, I counted him as another one. 

Good conversation. Good listener. Great sense of humor. Sushi. Coffee. Tea. 

Random messages. Then ghosting. 

I felt fine. 

In the middle of a crazy week, I received an early morning message, "I'm in Japan, btw." 

All I wanted was to hug him that moment. But we have to wait for the weekend. Waiting for the weekend to arrive, looking forward for the hug was somewhat slow torture of delight. Though, I still feel overwhelmed with a lot of things happening around me, lots of opportunities and tasks at hand, I just needed to hug him. This morning was different, we didn't meet at a coffee shop. He bought my favorite stuffed bread, a bottle of cold tea, then, I brewed the strong, black coffee for the two of us  and to keep me awake coz I woke up at 5am to work on my writing. 

I wanted to hug him the moment I saw him. I was about to start to cry but I held it all back. I felt tired, drained and all I wanted was to feel his warmth. 

Good conversation. Great humor. Good listener. Then, it's time to go. 

His flight is in the afternoon. It's an hour past noon.

He is still taking his time looking at my stack of books, the motivational scribbles and posts I have on my wall. In one, "All You Need is _ _ _ _."

Then he uttered, "All you need is time." 

Then, it's his time to leave. 

I waited for him to put on his shoes, tie the shoelace and then the last, final, long hug. This time, with a kiss. Long kiss and that tight embrace that I don't want to let go. But we both know that we have to let go. 

With a smile, I even said, "今日もありがとうございます。" (Thank you for today.)

As soon as the door closed, my heart began to hurt. My tears began to fall. 

Why does seeing someone leave have to be so hard?

We are both at the state of our careers in which we are exploring options and seeing each other grow, and keeping secrets, holding something back.

I need time. How do I teach loneliness to slow down with time so that I don't have to feel it?

How do I teach myself to accept that some are just never meant to stay?

But in the end, it was a good time. 

I said, "さようなら" (goodbye.) to which he quickly changed to... ”またね。” (See you again.)

I don't know why it ached so hard this time to see him leave when I know that his presence was never meant to be regular.

I guess, it's good to have a break every now and then.

I guess it's okay to breakdown and cry. I haven't done this in a long while anyway. 

Admitting fatigue and loneliness is never an easy task. 

Let it be known that after all this somersault of emotions, the prince charming is never real. 

I choose to dust myself again and again, go back to my priorities and set this event as part of an event that had ended. 

What's next? Only time can tell. 

For now, let me wipe my tears.