Early crashing but not going down.

Nervous breakdown seem to hit me so early this year. I don’t know where it is all coming from. Must be the cold weather.

That deep feeling of being so alone and purposeless is creeping into my veins and indeed, there really is that whisper of choosing to end everything. So small of a voice that it is very prominent even when I weep, while I walk with the sound of my footstep.

I want to seek help from friends. I wish to see let them see how weak I am, but I don’t think that would help. Everyone is just recently so happy and I don’t wanna shatter that bundle of joy from the recent celebrations we’ve had.

Probably this is also an overdue feeling of loneliness from the very recent trip back home, seemingly nothing has improved with the situations and it is just depressing to see. The house is still dilapidated. The roofs and walls are still shattered, the floors still thick with mud when it rains. The space still limited and all around looks like a dump. Nonetheless, my family is warm and filled with blessings.

All I want is to give my parents a good home to stay, a better roof over their head to protect them from rain, a nice floor and walls to shield them from cold and the elements. A warm bed at night, a nice kitchen to prepare meals, a better dining area where we can share conversations and laughter over simple food. Why does it all seem so hard for me to achieve, when others seem to be having the time of their lives roaming around the world, sporting the new bags and fancy shoes, luxury beds and parties.

This is just a phase I would like to recognize. It comes and it goes. Then, life resumes like it used to. It doesn’t mean that I have lost my grip, but I did have a slip, I just have to take my time to recover from it, then I will stand up again, dust myself off, wipe my tears and resume the projects I have started and want to work on.

I haven’t been preparing good meals for myself recently, half-neglected exercise, so tomorrow, I must get into morning shopping, bento preps and ginger tea moving forward.

I have a great vision ahead of me, it is unfair to stop myself from pushing forward.

I’ll be okay.

I’m okay.

So help me, God.