Life of a Kat

Many many moons ago when I was still crazy about dating apps, romantic love and finding the one, I met someone and he sent me this.... (this was just part of a very long message that I had received)  [Something I wanted to say about the "complete girlfriend" package. I understand you don't just hook up with random guys.. I really like you for who you are, and you also said you like me too. It wouldn't just be a hookup...it would be more than that. 2 people that enjoy each other this much, I'm sure it would be phenomenal to see how things go with that. When you told me today that you really like me, my heart melted. I haven't felt like that before. Idk what it is about you, but I'm really attracted to who you are as a person. I feel like I would actually do a long distance relationship with you. I know that would be hard, but that's just something I was thinking about.]  But we didn't end up in any Long Distance Relationship as he would have said. A...

I have currently listening to The Five Major Pieces of the Life Puzzle and one of its strong recommendation is to keep a journal.  I always wish I can write more. Honestly, I wish I would be more brave to write whatever I feel like and I think. Most of the time, I am afraid to speak out my mind, other times, I am lazy or give it no time.  A lot of things are running in my head, most of the time, I feel like they are poetic and then, I let the words pass by and forgotten after stirring the feelings at that very moment.  The things is... I need to write more. I have to write more.  I can write more.  I do not need to be good at it. I just need to be able to convey the thoughts into words for its specific purpose.... be it for emo-shit, unloading, declaring or simply giving a #$&% about something or someone I care about, or sharing the hurt feelings and disappointment.  Best part had been writing about goals! It is overwhelming to randomly look back on the...

 I woke up very early this morning and suddenly had some nostalgic feelings about libraries and doing research in a library.  I miss getting lost in the allies of the library, feeling dizzy about the Dewey Decimal System and matching it with the titles of the books. From categories, down to numbers and then the famous decimal number to narrow down the search.  I miss the silence of the library scene as a mandate of the place to the people who chose to be there.  I survived research and thesis requirement back then to think about how tedious and manual laborious it had been, and here I am right now, just when everything can be at your fingertips and I am lost and most of the time lazy to do it.  I blame the weather. It is so hard to get up in the freezing cold winter days. A few more weeks and I will ran out of excuses and I should be able to pick up on the writing task. 

 I was asked if I were sad about what happened to me my so-called "friend"...  I was totally sad and disappointed. At the very end of it all, he should have just given me time to be quiet and just let the feelings of hurt and pain die down. Instead, he got angry at me for not speaking up.  I was quiet because I don't wanna ruin his somewhat happy state of being, finding new love and always out and about to do fun stuff. Who am I to ruin someone's happy mood? After all, I am able to manage the feeling, rationalizing my actions, knowing that I was at fault as well in many ways. Thus, there was no right way for me to demand for attention nor correction of his actions.  I just couldn't stop being hurt by the series of events that happened then.  I didn't imagine I will be spending that entire day with someone I had been trying to avoid growing feelings for. But I was thankful that he took me in his arms, put to words the feelings of depression I had been trying to...

 It is quite a sad day today.  But all is well that ends well. I know that our friendship hasn't come to an end but it just somewhat taking a break from afar. What's important is that I know he is well and happy and the moment. My absence won't matter.  He has always been a great value to my life and I will surely miss how things were. But we all have to grow, think deeper and realize the people that really matter to us.  One day, some day, we will be talking about this sh!t over coffee and laugh about it. 

Penning down today's tasks and goals:   1. I need to embed, upload, insert and re-arrange the contents of the website for my subject in grad school.  2. I need to slowly edit the videos to be embedded in the website.  3. I have to slowly edit the podcast due for posting on the 17th.  4. I need to send invite to Ryan Bestre for the next podcast due to post on Jan 31. 5. I need to print the papers for the parking certificate. 6. I need to send email to my forum group members for scheduling of the first meeting.  7. I still have laundry to hang to dry and others to fold for keeping.  I think that is it for now?  I still have rice to cook, meal to prep, and buy coffee.  I should now forgot that I have to go to work at 4pm. LOL. Ready to get away in the gym for now. Working the abs and glutes today.  Apparently, I have many things to do but for sure they are dodable. Have a great midweek, Kat :) 

Feeling Friday on a Monday... Browsin' through Archives and saw this. Taken in July 2018. I totally miss being in the water, pretending I know how to at least stand on a longboard, riding the waves. Stand Up Paddle is definitely calming for a lot of reasons. And those days of yoga for strength, destressing and meditation.  Manifesting to the universe again and again that I need my calm, healthy and productive days again and again. 

 It has been said that if you desire for something, you have to express that certain desire and for it to be achieved, you have to be specific.  This year, there are only 3 material things I will work hard for:  1. A car 2. A piano 3. A paraglider  It took almost 16 years for my driver's license and "real" driving opportunity to come into me. Let's see about these 3 things for 2021.  Tomorrow, my friend and I will go to a car dealer to check on used cars. One thing after another, blessings after blessings and I pray that as I get to be comfortable, may I always be safe and be able to use my time more wisely and productively for others as I had initially prayed for. 

This is a habit I am trying to build up again and again.  Mornings are for reflections, as what to do for the day and of course, that brewed coffee. Reading for meaning and pleasure. Last night, I started reading No Filter, the story behind Instagram and it is interesting. I probably write about it on a separate post.  So, what am I going to do today?  - go to the LM office to resume work on my LLE 280 deadline - recalibrate finances - browse on cars if I can - reconnect with Jerlyn for more training projects for teachers - go to the gym :)  Let's see how that works today. 

I am writing this while I am on the passenger seat of a car. I asked my friend to drive me down to a beach.  Nervous Breakdown came in so early as today, 1st of January and I can't stop crying. It is the first time someone saw me on this state and it is embarrassing in many ways. I can't explain why I am crying aside from the idea that I am crying coz I am frustrated coz I can't stop crying.  But who cares. I decided not to write the triggers for today's emotional stress for the sake of letting go and starting with the meaning of FLOW for the year.  I am frustrated coz I feel so alone whole trying so hard to please other people and still be left behind and alone for something else.  I have put off personal things I want to accomplish because I have working on the favors for others and ignoring mine. I thought I was already selfish but maybe not yet selfish enough to protect my feelings and state of mind. Something to understand deeply as I let things flow ...