Flow in 2021

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I am writing this while I am on the passenger seat of a car. I asked my friend to drive me down to a beach. 

Nervous Breakdown came in so early as today, 1st of January and I can't stop crying. It is the first time someone saw me on this state and it is embarrassing in many ways. I can't explain why I am crying aside from the idea that I am crying coz I am frustrated coz I can't stop crying. But who cares. I decided not to write the triggers for today's emotional stress for the sake of letting go and starting with the meaning of FLOW for the year. 

I am frustrated coz I feel so alone whole trying so hard to please other people and still be left behind and alone for something else. 

I have put off personal things I want to accomplish because I have working on the favors for others and ignoring mine. I thought I was already selfish but maybe not yet selfish enough to protect my feelings and state of mind. Something to understand deeply as I let things flow on its own moving forward. 

Flow would mean that the current can take me to where I want to not necessarily through my personally-calculated timeframe but managing to stay with the same speed and direction with the flow of current and reaching the destination in one beautiful piece that is me. 

Flow could also mean with me initiating the push and keeping on going until I reach the goal. I create it, I am responsible for it, the achievement will depend on me. 

Then, whenever I am lost, I will go back to all those small stories I have written to remind me of the things I have done and the feelings it had invoked on me and how I survived. I am writing coz I am surviving. As much as I can, I will write and write as honest as I could.

There are still those I don't want to write, my heart is in denial and that is alright. Putting them here is like setting them into immortality in my being and knowing that they are temporary, might as well keep it as that, something I choose to forget, except the feeling they made me feel. 

One day, when I am ready, I will let that hidden story flow. For now, onto those present currents that I will choose to take and create. 

Let 2021 flow in and out of me with the Grace of God and all His blessings upon me. 


Comments

  1. Twilight Man6 January 2021 at 23:56

    I am truly sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. I may not truly understand your situation but I have seen how my wife had severe depression that lasted over 6 months. It happened to her because her seniors in her office launched some unspeakable character assassination towards her. She just collapsed when someone showed her the evidence of betrayal by her seniors whom she trusted. It was a tough journey for me to help her. Fast forward, my wife recovered and even graduated as a clinical hypnotherapist to help other patients who seek her support.

    Happy New Year to you. Please cheer up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gifta8 January 2021 at 10:41

    Heyy, I just discovered your blog today... I like your posts, cause I relate to most of them :,) esp. this one :( It was hard indeed, to have a breakdown on the start of something new, where we ought to be excited, have high hopes, blabla... I don't wanna (or can't? hm) make this too long, so yeah... Let 2021 flow in and out of us with the Grace of God and all His blessings upon us! xoxo:)

    ReplyDelete

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