Life of a Kat

Last hour of the last day of the first month of the second half of 2023.  Moments of graduations, postings of approval of proposals, thesis defense here and there. Internally, jealousy is eating me and self-pity is killing me inside.  I wish I am on that moment right now. I don't even know where to start with it, what to write about, but deep in me, I really want to be able to finish an academic research and graduate with a full MA degree. I just really wish that someone would be kind enough to lead me.  For now, that someone who needs to start with something is most likely ME.  I am trying to penetrate a very difficult circle to get into and even remain in, I really just want to be of someone with purpose and contribution.  While most ladies would be dreaming of dreamy and exquisite proposals and weddings, here is me, guilt-tripping myself for having fallen off the ideal weight, gaining so much fat and not being able to write anything that would be leading me t...

 I just wanna go home. Not that I don't like this job. But being away for days feels so lonely. Life in a hotel is good, for the first time in many months of coming here, I was able to just being the necessary number of clothes and underwear for the week of stay.  Also, I was able to control myself and not come home in the middle of the week, which I am not sure if it contributed to this feeling of just wanting to be home right away. Don't get me wrong. I love what I do. I appreciate the free time and all the possibilities it provides me.  As I am re-learning and unlearning a few things in this new chapter of my life, having the time to contemplate and really write down what matters to me, is something I am grateful for.  It is a true struggle to be able to find a good use of all this "free time" I have.  For now, I just wanna go home. Sleep. Excited to go to church again tomorrow.  I have never looked forward to Sundays like this before. 

​It is very hard to resist buying things that I think I need. But there is much satisfaction knowing that I didn’t buy any of those things I thought I need to buy right now. And having the strength and the ability to be able to wait until all the necessities are set straight and we can buy all these other things without hesitation and anxiety.  Moving to a new home has been both exciting and exhausting. There is that wonderful feeling knowing that someone awaits you and vice versa. The sharing of chores, the unbelievable arguments I never imagined I would ever have with someone and that feeling of warmth and embrace.  As we mark the checklist for each goal, it had been fulfilling and just exciting to make new ones. The past weeks had been tiring and felt like it had been a long time ago.  The pain, the haste, the recovery and then the moving.  Though there are still so many things left to do, the feeling of rest has arrived and I couldn’t be more grateful.  Onto...

I thought I'll continue working on the writing prompts this morning, but I changed my mind. I would rather just start writing from blank.  It has been raining for days and it had lead me to take life as slow as possible as well. I miss working out and regaining strength is what I need right now. So most likely just more stretch, a bit of weight-lifting here and there, and then substitute rice with something else, then I should be okay.  Today, I will be of course occupying my hours and days with reconnecting with two of the best persons I have ever met in Miyazaki that both helped me so much to get comfortable living in Miyazaki.  I am excited to move to the new apartment, though I know that there are other tasks to complete and focus on before it could happen. Forgive me. I am just excited for the new space. 

Week 5- People We Have Lost  Losing my grandpa and then my grandma was probably the earliest feeling of grief I could remember for myself. They were both old and gray and when they passed away, I knew to myself that it was their time to go. They had lived a good life, I had created experiences and stories with them on my teenage days and those were just precious moments.  I can't really pinpoint who is the most important person I have lost but the recent lost I had was important. Painfully important literally and figuratively, that recalling the experience for the past two months could suddenly just make me cry and grieve.  That if ever I could write a letter to it I would say sorry a million times for not being able to carry it well and not being able to take it of it. With that is also a promise that I will better myself in the coming days, so that when it comes back as a surprise, I will embrace it with open arms and take care of it with my whole life.  As I slowl...

Week 4 of 52 - Contribution I used to post selfies or shots of me that I felt I looked good and would be gaining lots of likes and hearts in the social media apps realm. Those pictures were mostly just from random days or trips here and there, most have stories of having fun, connecting or doing something meaningful as shallow or deep of cheering up myself at times when I need it most.  There were also times that I would share quotes and thoughts and people will be reacting with a "me too" moments and that's a great driver for me to realize that I am not the only one experiencing such.  I am teacher but most of the time, I don't feel like I am really contributing but whenever kids say they are having fun in class, it means a lot to me. Making kids feel that learning in general is fun and that it is not always fun but it is important in our lives.  On selected occasions, I donate money and time, specially for those kind of needs that I cannot provide myself like a few ...