Life of a Kat

 I had a breakdown last night.  I got home with all my stuff from the recent work and camping trip scattered on the floor, the kitchen filled with dinnerware needing to be washed, piled up dirty clothes on another side, I haven't had enough sleep from last night's camping location, the hangover from a fun night jam at a Filipino restaurant, I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried going to bed and then I just started sobbing.  What's different about last night was, I had a friend come and helped me out clean the room, clear the floor, comfort me and hugged me.  The hug felt good. It was warm. His arms around me made me feel so tired yet safe. I cried a bit more. I didn't wanna let go, but I know that I had to its late and he had to go home and sleep to be able to work the next day. And if he hadcstayed a little bit longer, we both would regret what happens next. I'm glad he left right away.  I thought I will be able to sleep. It looked like I did but I would wak...

 It is 1:39 AM as I type this away.  I had gone to bed at midnight, abruptly cutting all conversations so I can stick with the 12 night cap, but here I am still wide awake and hoping that after this blog entry, I would be able to fall asleep.  July 2022 felt like a very long month that suddenly ended and then August came and now, just about to leave.  I don't even know why I stopped sitting down before bedtime to write about my days and my thoughts. Maybe at some point, I would like to admit that it felt like days were happy days. There were stressful moments as usual, like my car popping up with the maintenance icon telling me I need to see my car mechanic. The icon would appear and then would be gone. It drives me nuts. It drove nuts twice already. LOL.  I think the reason why I couldn't sleep was because I didn't properly eat dinner. So, here I am, now just eating dinner. LOL.  I have met new friends in July and been in constant contact with them and Miy...

I obviously didn't take time to reflect on how my July had gone and here I am almost mid August and I havent thought of updating my shattered thoughts as well.  I really should get back to it. 

 It's my brother's birthday today!  I know I haven't been journaling more regularly recently because life drifted me away from my priorities.  I still got sore throat but I have no more fever. I have no COVID. Thank God.  I vow to keep routines in place and in check and hopefully that would keep my life flow smoothly and more healthy.  A few more days and it's my birthday season! 

As much as you try to keep it all together, there will always need to be a time to let it all out and let the tears flow.  Today is one of those days. It's gonna be weird to tell people that I am having anxiety attacks at the moment that it is happening, so I'll just write it down.  The anxiety of not being the one chosen, being left behind, alone and that sudden bouts of sadness that suddenly springs out of nowhere.  I'll just let myself calm down for now. 

 Time check: 12:10AM 19 July Way past bedtime but I would just like to note how my day had gone.  It had been smooth and just calm.  Work in the morning.  A bit of shopping for cushions in the car and in my table at home.  Decided to throw away more stuff on Thursday and can definitely feel how liberating that will feel. HAHA  Totally needing to throw away more stuff just because I still need a lot of space to claim.  I need to sell my books so I can earn money, clear my space and just keep on decluttering.  I need to read more books.  My thesis writing will have a kickstart this year, no matter what.  My dream of creating a school will also start this year.  As for dating, well, ask me another day.  I am still longing to go home to someone and just talk about my day.  Tomorrow, the ball starts rolling again.  Just because you're lonely doesnt give you the right to deprive yourself of pursuing your dreams. 

I haven't been really taking time to just sit down and do nothing. My mind has been wandering all over places and people and thoughts and the next thing I know, I haven't really accomplished much. This morning felt a bit better after a stretch exercise, and then I had also gone out for more ropes and a meeting. It was nice.  Then a notice in my inbox about my recently manifestation for an international trip, arrived. My Australian Visitor Visa has been granted :) Preparing all the documents for application was quite a journey which I thought has no end. But eventually, I was able to submit my application and today, with full on giggles, I am excited, imagining the long flight that I will be taking, the airport layovers and the musings this trip will have for me.  Will be booking the flight and eventually will figure out ways  to responsibly manage funds as the flight schedule comes closer and closer.  Taking time to figure things out, one step at a time.