Life of a Kat

I usually do an entire blog entry as to how the year had gone. I also haven't gone through my Year Compass task which in some sense, helps in navigating the year ahead, something I admittedly failed to accomplish for 2021.  2021 had been heavily burdened, a year of loss in terms of valuable time and people, and below expectations with job performances, as it all happened, I chose to flow with the events to survive and to experience life.  The first part was kinda amazing, kicking off the adventures up in the air, embraced the sun, got so tanned, exhausting but kept telling myself to just keep moving.  Disappointment kept showing itself in my way too low academic performance, thrashed thesis proposal, below expectation evaluations at work and then, Lola decided also it is time to take her final rest. 2021 had been generally behind    with all the long term goals I had set for myself with intent but no full convictions and less- to-no action at all.  2021 had...

 Dear You,  How are you? I hope you are well. It had been awhile that I had written a letter, more so addressed to YOU, someone I probably know or still have to meet in the future. I am yet to know.  I haven't written you in for quite a long time, but in my head, every time I space out, I take time to write you a letter. When I am happy, I wish I can share it to you right away.  When I am sad, I wish you are the one person I can talk to.  When I am sleeping, I wish you are that one warm body I could hug.  When I am bored, I wish I can spend those boring times with you.  Every time I meet someone, I always make this huge mistake of wishing that it is already you. A very bad expectation, when I should have zero expectations altogether.  It hurts and I don't know when I will ever learn.  But let's not delve into that cycle of unending drama of unmet expectations. I am writing this to express my newest realizations about being in a relationship w...

 Every year, I make this post about Christmas and its meaning. For some reasons, the introduction I thought of for the post was:  It is a bit difficult to post something grateful and happy about Christmas-- somewhere along that line. This year had been insanely tough in many aspects. It made me look back into how I had handled it all differently in 2020, which had been quite a year that despite its pandemic, I felt that I had thrived.  But Christmas isn't about all those hardships that I had been going through, but it is all about faith and salvation.  It was the day that Jesus Christ was born. He then suffered more hardships that I could ever imagine, for which, in exchange, if I believe in Him, I am bound to have an everlasting life in heaven.  ************** As we grow older, wearing pajamas, instead of something else that could make us look and feel good, are far better. Curled up in bed, snuggling or cuddled. For now, I am on my own. wrapped in thick blanke...

​ Closing windows and your smile is the last thing and the most bright I see. This Monday had  been quite heavy, I wish I can hug you now. 

Dedicating Tuesday morning thoughts of gratitude to these four people I have met in 2021.  We were gathered as a group of alumni for an NGO we all had worked for. Me, being the pioneer, while most of them being new grads from the fellowship program of two years as public school teachers.  I am grateful for them because they make me look forward for setting our meetings and always feel better after getting in touch with them.  Though we all have our own quirks and differences, we were able to let go of our own judgments, enough to be able to speak out freely and vulnerably. When one speaks, the others listens and let one know that someone is listening. It is such a different kind of safe feeling.  One day, we will have another meeting, over coffee and glasses of wine, in the Philippines, the place we all love so dearly.   

Photo of me by the observstory of Bonotsu Town Museum.  That was a statement I told my cousin-big sister.  "I want to finish 2021 strong."  I picked up on ropeflow again and started recording and posting my videos on my social media again. No full clips. Just the 15 secs for one full story for today. It felt good. It felt better as I can see myself and my archives of stories about the things I had done. Getting back to the commitment in movement as one of them.  From November 30 to December 5th, I am staying at Makurazaki, Kagoshima, considered to be the southernmost part of the mainland Kyushu region.  On Wednesday, I drove the coastal roads that had gone up and down the mountainside for sights. In one of the scenic stops, I met a Filipina, Tita Wilma, as I would like to call her from then.  On Thursday, I drove the Samurai Houses complex and walked around 7 beautiful gardens and their historical houses. I had learn so much and I'd like to go back and walk...

 How painful it is to say that I can't write anymore. How more painful it is to say that I can't sustain reading anymore.  My brain and my life had been hacked and I am suffering so much. The only thing I am good now is to cry when I get the chance.  Self, please know that I am trying my best to get us back on a good track, it is just really hard for me and as much as I want to talk about it, I know that the people around me have other stuff to do than to listen to my pathetic shiznitz.  I just wanna be able to wake up with a good purpose in life, but I am not feeling that.  I am barely existing. But I am hopeful, one day, I will find my way back. My energy and my purpose.