Life of a Kat

 I started watching Squid Game as highly-recommended by one of my closest friends.  It is so odd that all over the world people are promoting and preaching kindness when in the opposite side of the spectrum we find entertainment in shows that is full of cruelty, grotesque, thoughts of selfishness and survival of the fittest in any forms of ways of doing so.  Is this our way of humanism? Through animalistic approach?  I am still watching it. Just putting in my two cents here that I am not sure anybody else would be interested in. 

You have been a beautiful season of solo trips, brave attempts and moments of rekindling my love for natural light photography. In this scrapbook of life, you are my My Season of Adventure in my Many-Unwanted-Surprises-Yet-Love-Filled Year.  This season, I broke my own heart and forgiving myself in the process, too. I owe it to myself.  One day, I will sit next to my Ted Mosby as he says this:  ****: I'll be back. Me: I'll be right here.  Claiming that I am meant to be in an intimate relationship that allows me to grow in purpose and in love. May the autumn season be my season of bloom and growth, collection of warmth, from the inside. 

I want to be with my "someone" that's for sure. But how? My Ted Mosby hasn't found me yet. Had he travelled back in time to tell me, "See you."? And that in the next few days or months, we are meant to meet, be friends, fall in love with each other, get married, raise two kids and live happily ever after? I am in one of those days that I can't understand myself why I am so sad. But if I would look around me, I am in a place that I should be thankful for, and that should be enough for me not to be sad. This feeling of discontentment is such a morning wrecker. But I can't stop myself from feeling it. I just gotta let it flow.  It had been awhile that I had sobbed and cried because of longing for someone I cannot be with. I don't even know why it keeps happening to me. Despite all the good things that come my way, why cant this someone be good as well? Why does the balance have to be in this side of my life?  ********* My Ted Mosby, if you have foun...

I am already feeling that now. That should you not have anything "feel good" or "happy" or "one-of-a-kind" experience that would make people be in awe about how awesome your life is, then, just don't share it.  That immense craving to be noticed and liked and applauded. But I still want to write and share about the darkness of my thoughts, the heaviness in my heart and all that emo-shits that could run in my head.  So, I write it here.  Over time, I will go back to this page,.. Cringing on all of this, but also patting myself on the back that I am able to bravely open up and share my version of my thoughts and cringe further on all the grammatical errors I had made on it.  Tomorrow, we will wake up early and do something amazing with this life that I have. 

 Hello Self,  Good morning. You have deactivated your IG and I know that you miss it so bad. So bad that you would want to go back and start sharing your life stories again.  But know that you have made the right decision to step and away from that platform for your own good. Well, you still have slips of thought every now and then, you are doing well on your second day of not being there. Our first goal before was 60 days. You didn't get to do it coz on the end of the 6th week you logged back in with the excuse of helping out your NGO baby school which we both know you still have fallen short but know that every time you share a thought for that school had been very significant.  For now, as you take baby steps to write your thesis proposal, you are doing the right thing of getting up in the morning and reading and reading. Still unorganized, but over time, you are going to find your direction. For now, it may look like a lost cause that you may just want to decide ...

 What can I do when someone just occupies my mind 24/7 though I don't know if that person feels that same for me? It is so uncomfortable and I lost so much focus, I am restless, I am not doing an effecient job. I wake up in the middle of the night and I want all these feelings to stop!  It had been happening for quite awhile now and there are days that I am fine with it, there are days like that I just can't seem to do anything else but that and I can't focus on anything else.  I am sorry self. I know you dont deserve this kind of feelings. As I move back to the study mode, things will be a little bit better and you will forget about that person in no time.  So help me, God. 

  This had been my back since it had healed from sunburn a few days back 😂. Summer of 2021, you have been a hellalots of fun! 

 I wish to have a Ted Mosby in my life.  Not that I wanna be the mother.  Okay, I take that back. It would be an honor to be the mother that TM had loved and reared children with. I just don't wanna die without living my life to the fullest with my Ted Mosby and my children. I want a lifetime of celebration of life, love and gratefulness for small and big things.  I am feeling that feeling of being sad again for no reason and for wanting to cling to someone for support and that frustration that I dont have that someone to turn to.  I'm 35 and thriving on my own.  to the tm of my life...  I hope you find me. I probably wont be using a yellow umbrella though. But for sure, you'll know that its me. I hope we cross paths and never let go, soon.  -the future mother of your kids. 

I was already awake when family called me this morning. I was on that bad habit of reading early in the morning but of course, I had to answer the family. That was around quarter to 7am. Come 9AM, I was still in bed... Reading. Then come this chat message from Kuya. He said he is feeling better and getting ready for chemo. It made my heart jump and utter as many thanks to the Lord. Then more talk with my cousin from OZ and I decided to get up and go on with life.  I took a shower. Cleaned up a bit. Logged in for the Sunday Service.  Well, I actually left the house a total mess as I decided to do the Zoom call in a Starbucks for more stable internet connection. It was nice. I saw a few people I know by face but I wasnt able to have chitchat with coz I was busy and I was happy to be busy and no need to talk to these people at all. LOL.  Forever grateful to that forum group that had been able to take time to talk to them.  Then another Google Meet sesh which I am still ...

There are times that I wish things were different, that I am a different person. That I am holding a different passport, that of with lesser restrictions, vast privileges and just more opportunities just because... I am that person.  But after a few deep breathes, I slowly accept the truth that I am in at the moment and how I have been obviously thriving as an individual and a member of the community--family, career, finances, service. Or so I hope I am contributing well.  I am at that time of the month when I wish I am a plant. But I actually have no idea what kind of pains the plants have to go through as they go through the process of growth. So, I probably am still at a good palce of being me and where I am at the moment.  I probably am just needing some warm hugs at the moment, or a big bucket of ice cream?

Morning went fine until I got a message from my sister saying that an aunt passed away just today. I don't have grown up memories with her but I knew that during my formative years, my family spent a very good amount of time with her and her family as well. My mama and her grew up together and my papa seem to be also close to her. We don't know the full details yet as for sure the immediate family is trying to still figure out what just happened and everything else that goes with it. She has an only daughter that is presently living in Australia and would be needing a special permit to be able to go out of the country to attend to her funeral. It usually takes a month for those kind of permits to process. What are the chances.  I dont know how to feel. It completely breaks my heart. Not for myself but for these people whom I know are hurting more than I can feel and I can't do anything else.  I also tried to make a conversation with my youngest sister about how she is feeli...

 Today, I tried to submit my research proposal only to be told I need to make it a bit further shorter, 5-6 pages. After all, it is still a proposal. I am having a hard time curating a Scope and Delimitation section. Obviously, an evidence of me being out of focus and still not in the flow.  On the other side, I am excited to embark on this final subject for this academic endeavour as I am excited to learn more things and be more helpful for others. I hope.  ***** Kuya's condition today hasn't gotten any bit better. He is still at 40 degrees with fever and the doctors are changing his medications coz of some internal infections that had popped up since he started his chemotherapy. The only message I got from him today was a "Salamat." from a voice message I sent last night. He told me that he had started losing hair and I told him that he is still handsome nonetheless and it is just a setback and it will grow back once he completes his sessions and be healed.  Tomorr...

 365 QOTD  What is the last thing you felt guilty about? I felt guilty taking that morning roadtrip to Cape Sata, but I also felt happy that I took that trip because this evening, it had been filled with tears and worries for Kuya.  As I took a step forward with my MA degree, I need to re-align my priorities into writing, looking after family members and trying to go on with daily stresses of life.  ********* I cried this evening after having a conversation with my Ate about Kuya. He hasn't gone half of the second cycle of his chemo for the two days. He has high fever and very low White Blood Cell count that made the doctors cancel his procedure until he gets a little bit stronger. His voice has been very weak and suffering.  I pray. I cry. I weep. We all do. That is all we can do for now. The battle has just started and it is too early to give up. I am not giving up on my Kuya. I just can't. 

 I don't know how to describe today.  I woke up around 4AM with a mission of catching a beautiful sunrise atop a lighthouse. But I ended up discovering a paragliding turf that became my playground as I watch the sun rise above a cloudy sky.  A morning yoga by the beach followed by an aroma therapy yoga session, a quick shower then I am headed back home. I did more chores and found myself wanting to work outside the house and found a quiet nook in the middle of a busy coffee shop-- an online fellowship, making online poster and doing pre-work for a not-so planned reunion with college classmates.  Then, I found myself in an hour call with my cousin-sister while shopping goodies for Kuya. Before that I was in a phone call with him, his voice so hoarse and sounded like he is dealing with so much pain. I almost had to end the call so sudden coz I cannot take his voice being like that.  Went home and packed the stuff ready for drop off tomorrow. It should be okay and ...