Life of a Kat

I had always dreamed of having a boudoir photoshoot, in sillohuette, black and white and all white. You know that kind of shoot that is full of seductiveness wrapped in sultriness, finesse and everything that shouts of paradox with the elements of wholesomeness.  Was just getting ready for work that as I put on my under garments, I noticed that I am in all white and the hair being down felt sexy and pretty me. I am just happy where my body physique is at right now and all the choices I have made to get into this shape. Still a lot of fats to handle and juggle and burn, but for now, this is a me to celebrate.  The sink at the background ruined all the mood. Lol

 Look at that! It's end of May already.  Then, the year would end I am still sad and lonely. Haist. I dont even know where this feeling is coming from.  Today had been calm.  Backpains due to menstrual cramps but I was able to survive the day. 

 I cant believe it is already 11pm here as I write this down. I am actually tired for the day, but I'd still wanna write it down. Just for the sake of having that feeling of being to speak to someone about how exhausting the day had been, but satisfyingly exhausting.  How truly satisfying and freeing it is to just spill out the feeling and being vulnerable. You know feeling of wishing to come home to someone and talk to about how the day had gone and all that comes with it.  I am on the second day of my period so I know that this emotionally-filled vent out is influenced by hormones as well.  D hasn't reached out and most likely he will never will again from this day forward. Who knows he might not give me access to his online streaming platform anymore as well, anytime soon. I would understand that. But I hope he wouldn't cut me out from it. LOL. Such a user I am. I know. You can judge me on that one.  I started watching this TV series called Chef's Table and i...

I submitted the Written Assignment without any confidence that I might get into it.  I am not keeping my hopes up, but I am also excited to see the findings of this specific research project, to be honest.  All I keep telling myself is...  "....at least I tried."  If this is the end for this attempt, and so let me close it with at least an opportunity to try. Not a lot of people got included on the first round of eliminations. I got in there.  I am so emotional and I am still hanging on the thoughts of him and wishing that things were different and were in favor of my feelings and longing for him. But if it isnt really meant to be, here is me, still alive and in the spirit of Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You, at least I am still here and trying. Or at least, I tried. As to when I will ever feel happy on this department of life, ever again, I have no idea.  I just really have to re-channel my thoughts on other aspects of my life that are really doing we...

 Quite a productive day today, I would like to think.  The draft I had written the other night and continued early this morning, seem to be taking shape into a research proposal. I hope. I am not really setting my hopes high to be included in this project, but I would like to give it a try and build relationship with the organization coz for sure they have other education-related projects that I can get involved with in the future.  It is actually payday today and I was able to do some check and balance on my funding and hopefully, I get to be more financially-stable onwards.  I had a conversation with D today, I was hoping for it to be long enough, but it didn't. He promised to call again but never did get through and when he sent a message, its already late and I am on work mode and has a headache and its bedtime and all other reasons. It breaks my heart, again and again.  I just wish I have the courage to ask and so I can get the answer and respond to it appr...

 I was just staring at the Written Assignment for the entire time. Tried to work on some outlines for the first few questions and then I had to call it a wrap for the night.  I got started. I picked it up and meant to know how far I could be on it until the deadline on the 27th.  It will be a waste to not give it a try.  After this, I still have other presentations to work on and that should be able to help me re-focus my attention and pick up my love for writing and public speaking.  I miss home. I wanna go home and hug my family, our dogs, just lay on that wooden, makeshift bed frame we forcefully fit ourselves into. Our dusty floors, the broken and holed walls, the dilapidated roofings and everything else I had always wanted to be pulled out from, all the reminders of being poor and underprivileged. But I wanna be back home, to that very same place, coz until now, thats where my family lives and as much as we wanna be in a hurry to build a better home, it isn...

 I still haven't written the research proposal. It is still all in my head. But wait, I would like to be proud of myself today for accomplishing a lot of things, from hobbies to relaxing to tasks and chores and making sure that things are done.  I had already sealed the care package for home.  I moved out the trash.  I did groceries and will be cooking tomorrow. Groceries were done.  Menu for until there are still stuff on the fridge are decided, in my head. LOL.  I will slowly start working on the paper work. I need to take a break from the Ozarks for now.  Life has been calm and just going today. Aside from the car wash that didn't really happen, a lot of stuff had been done today :D  Will pick up on the Rope Flow Recital piece and have it posted on June 5th :D  Good night for now.

I am having anxiety attacks again. I checked and I am 4 days away from my expected time of the month. I am craving for a lot of salty food, ice cream, cake, ramen, rice and just all the food I could think of.  On an occasion like this, I usually just wanna curl up in bed and do nothing but scroll on my phone and maybe message someone whom I thought would ease all the anxiety. But I know that I am more mature now and had stronger hold on my willpower to manage my emotions and my actions.  I have learned not to chase people who ran away. To live life in the most grateful way I could think of, to move my body, to work on things that I am passionate about, to keep writing for myself, taking pictures for myself and just really taking care of myself so I can be able to service to others, after all, I have taxes to pay and other unfulfilled ambitions just yet.  I am in one of those days again trying to keep myself above water, it is temporary, but it can really be inwardly, excr...

Tuesday started really early coz I know that going to the bank will eat up so much time. So much time that I might have enough time to cry out of being frustrated.  Except for the crying part, everything had gone well. I was also able to ship a basic rope to my friend so he can learn ropeflow too.  My orb poi arrived and I am so excited to learn it. HAHA. I was able to find a whole playlist on youtube and will get into it as much as I can :D  I cant believe it is Wednesday already tomorrow and I feel like I haven't really accomplished much. Though I know that I have tried.  Still a lot of things to declutter. Declutter will probably be my lifetime goal. LOL.  Grateful for a Tuesday and ending it with a conversation with my sister asking if she should send me shorts coz I was walking around my apartment just in my undies and very thin, sleeveless top.  Hey! I am about to sleep :P  Good night. 

​Nothing significant happened today. Oh well, it had been that ideal routinary day for me, actually.  The happy kind of a boring day.  I woke up early, I made a mistake of going back to bed, I know, its a mistake and so, I was 20mins late to start the day.  Instead of starting Youtube for Live News Stream, I opted to play some yoga beats for background music.  I actually made a very decent breakfast of longganisa, scrambled egg and toasted bread. Quick read at Brainpickings and decided to clean the kitchen sink and vowed to keep it clean every time. It is getting hotter so everywhere is susceptible for bugs and other tormenting insects and I would like to avoid that.  Morning private class was a very good conversation about political comparisons between PH and JP.  Quick errands and of course, a roll of the rope at the park before I took a rest for later afternoon work that pays the bills.  I went home and did more kitchen cleaning and checked on the b...

I didn't realize that it is Friday the 13th until I started teaching this afternoon and love for horror films that I used to have.  So, I would like to keep the morning 30-minute workout daily routine. I was able to get a kickstart this morning and I love it.  I went to that lunch place for a plate of sushi and fish stew that I always wonder how they cook, except for rice, I finished everything up. I am cutting on the rice intake coz I am getting other carb intake from all the bread and pastries around. Haha. Today was one of those rare events that I really feel tired and beaten up after work. The kids were just happily genki and I couldn't keep up. And the drive back home is a bit scary due to the heavy rain so I will just stay the night, wake up early and go home. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but the universe has other plans for me. This is the first time that I had to stay in the hotel from Monday to Saturday, straight.  I'll try to read a few pages...

 I am typing this with the toothbrush still on my mouth. LOL.  Today was kinda typical and less heated in conversations about politics and the Philippine election. There are times, that as I reflect on my conversations that I question myself if I had fallen delusional and fanatic? But no. I am just one of those who had been so hopeful and had gotten a broken heart. Sleeping and ready for bed as I have  quick check in with my siblings.  Starting tomorrow with a workout. I will just have to do it.   

 I deactivated my facebook account a few hours ago without any intention of getting back to it soon. I really hope I would be able to stand my ground about this decision.  It has been total chaos. I couldn't stomach it. I couldn't stand it.  My father voted for the son of a dictator, a fake-diploma holder and a tax evader and the only consolation I hold for that is his integrity. My father wouldn't stand by his choices without probable cause and justifiable reasons. I admire him so much for that, thus, I am really hoping that they might be right, and we might be wrong.  My sisters and cousins took our rants to the Discord group for debriefing and I am so grateful for that.  I started to re-read Offline, a book of collections of studies about how smartphones, social media and technology altogether is hacking our brains. Coz since yesterday, that's what I have been feeling.  I took a long bath, washed my hair, did my evening skin routine, and now, sipping mil...

Give me time to grieve coz for the nth time, my bet for the presidential election didn't win.  But this time, the 3rd heartbreak is just too much to handle. I have never been this hopeful and invested to my motherland. And if you don't understand that, that's okay. You don't have to, just allow me grieve for the time being.  You will never understand how deep the heartbreak coz I can't even explain myself how much hope I have invested on this one.  I am not asking you to understand. I am just asking you to let me be. After all, the world doesn't stop spinning with this loss. I still have a job to do, bills to pay, a family that loves me and a future to fulfill, a company to start up.  With respect to democracy and the choice of the many, we will heal our wounded spirits and hold forth of the promise of a better and truthful future as our legacy to those who will come after us. We will continue to write a history that doesn't need revisions. 

Happy Mother's Day today! I thought I would just be staying home and working on decluttering but I had made other plans. A couple of long zoom calls and separate meet ups for lunch and afternoon walk, I am writing this surrounded by still an unorganized apartment and a box still not full but needed to be filled and sealed to get to the destination.  It was nice to get to know my co-worker and not talk about work. She was nice and I really appreciate that when Nika left, she has been replaced by her. They both are so funny and artsy and if they were both here still, we probably be having a blast whenever we are together.  The Okinawa transfer is still on the table and we just need to make sure or I need to make sure that I am sure about wanting to be transferred. Which I am sure of.  Also, my obsessions with seeing a panda and its cuteness is over the top lately.  My Top 5 Values  This was the session I missed when I flew to Tokyo last month. So for this cycle, I...

 Here's a list of things I think I deserve but not just now. HAHAHA I watched just one KDrama and I can't stop wishing for a ..... I really wanna see real life pandas somewhere and ride the helicopter to Mt. Aso to see the crater.  Hopefully be able to travel to Australia as well to spend time with my niece.  I can't think of anything else since I have been working on full-on decluttering project and it is just but right to slowly get rid of things I don't really need at the moment.  My micro apartment is slowly becoming more spacious and gives out more space to breathe and I couldn't be happier for it. Trying to remind myself of delayed gratification and all the perks of responsible adulthood.  

 Just like that... the 7-day holiday is finished. I would have been so dead tired from a trip back from the Philippines and homesickness will kick in a few days after.  But instead, I had just gone driving for the past few days, almost 700kms- two prefectures visited and 3 friends I had gone to reconnect. It had been so much fun getting to know and connecting deeper to these people whom I know I would love to make deeper friendships with.  But we all know that nothing beats having to bond with the family and the little things that make us genuinely happy.  I finally had the chance to complete watching He's Just Not that Into You and I couldn't stop crying. I am so Gigi in that film but I haven't found my Alex yet. Or at least my Alex hasn't figured out that I am his Gigi. For now, I just gotta live my life as it is. That would be the best decision I could give myself.  I wish I can say more. When I get to recover those sleep, I definitely would be able to expres...

 Started the day with a drive up to 1000meters above sea level, sunrise and all. Went down to the conbini for breakfast. Strawberry-picking for dessert. Late lunch of home delivery of pizza. Geared up to drive to Fukuoka to see the latest craze in town of that humungous Gundam robot and had dinner somewhere in the city with tons of laughs. I am so tired but I am happy. Grateful beyond measure. 

I haven't journaled in 2 days. Not that I have no time to write, but I just didn't feel like doing it.  Today, I'm going for a long drive to meet one of the very first friends I had made in Miyazaki. I'm quite excited. I hope my car is okay. I haven't had it for a check for months now and hopefully it is all okay.  I hope this Golden Week goes well. I pray.