Life of a Kat

Of the many things I can do, sitting down and typing here about my life is what I always look forward to. Eventhough, I cannot really do it most of the time. I wanna type about it as if it has significance, as if it is important, as if it something another person would want to know about how my day had gone. I spent the morning for chores. The usual laundry, folding and cleaning and just really trying to tidy up. Whipped up some breakfast and cup of coffee. Thought of how I what could happen for the day and what to look forward to. There was a bit of disappointment that my friend couldn't come to the party but I also excited to know who I am going to meet in the party. I was so slow this morning, enjoying the final chapters of the book I am reading that I didn't notice time to pass by so quickly making me miss my scheduled bus and had to come in late. The host was so nice enough to offer to pick me up in front of my school because we had no idea about the nearest bus stop t...

Oh. How can I break the cycle? Stop. Confront. Hate and then Move on. That is how you break the cycle, Kat. To which, you can give yourself a pat on the back, Kat for having done so. So, STOP- check! Confront? Is there a need? I don't think so. Just drop it altogether. You have better things to do in life just to deal with that kind of person. HAYST. It was never your loss and all these realizations will be your gain, altogether. Care no more. For that person. As if he cared that you are hurt. If he had thought of it, his brain would have realized it even before he opened his mouth. End of conversation. Move on. You are good at it. Be better and make sure that when he sees you someday, he will have the feel of cringing at the spot where is standing out of shame just by looking at who you have become. Continue being amazing.

Dark skies has been covering the skies this whole Sunday.  Dark skies, intermittent drizzles, chilly air. A very gloomy winter day.  I got up very early to prepare myself for the school's Christmas Party. It all went well. I know that it will just be busy so I stuffed myself with heavy breakfast and went on with the day. It was such a fun party for the kids and their families.  I have started to have Christmas blues and been battling the tears but I guess they are bound to flow any moment from now anyway.  I thought of diverting my feelings to my craving for tomato ramen and how kind the universe is to me when one of my new friends this year agreed to accompany me and find me a ramen shop to satisfy my craving.  As of this typing, he said he is on his way. I am nursing a headache, maybe because of being tired, hunger and the gloomy weather. I decided to stay in the coffee shop until I am ready to feel alone at the comforts of my home, whil...

I am having that feeling again. That deep-seated loneliness and tears just start running down my cheeks. I am having one of those days that I would rather just choose to write and romanticize this uncomfortable feeling inside me. Last night, I just started listening to an audiobook, entitled, The Fountainhead and for some reason... I feel like I am so Catherine and Howard Roark at the same time. It has been awhile that I took time to read fiction stories and I probably should really be reading more of it. Today is the week that we get to know if we get into the MA program completely and maybe that is one thing why anxiety is all over my body. Though I know that I had done my best  for the exam, there is still this evil-ish part in my head whispering that I may not be good enough. At this point, I am really praying to pass that exam. Because if I fail, I am not sure if there is anything else left for me meaningful to do. I wish for time to stop for myself to not feel being...

If there is one thing I pray that I will always have, it will be courage.  The courage to take responsibility to accept failure.  The courage to move on into the unknown.  The courage to accept that I can never be perfect, no matter how I try.  The courage to believe that these choices I presently chose will be something good in the future.  Courage. Sometimes, it gets lost when we choose convenience. Just sometimes. 

What is between me and airports and airlines this year? I was suppose to go to Kansai Airport today but I ended up in Osaka Airport today. Only to realize that I have no more time to get to the other airport on time for my flight. I am so doomed. Then, I took a deep breath. Usually, Peach flights are delayed. But I dont think I would take the option to call the Peach hotline and inform them that I will be late. Such a way to broadcast my stupidity. Took another deep breath. Logged onto the internet. Cancelled the flight. Booked another flight. Byebye, Yen worth two pairs of Onitsuka shoes! I should have known. Then, my friend called me in asking if I am willing to take a modular project regarding educational management, willing to pay for an immediate completion of the modules. The amount to be collected will be some amount to cover for the unexpected expense I had done today. God is still good to me. For one, my mistake was just due to complacency. I should have checke...

Today, I took the Qualifying Exam so I can proceed with my MA degree studies.  I know I did my best, wrote from my heart and just entirely praying that the Lord grant this endeavor to me just so I can keep learning, learning the right way. So I can keep doing my job the right way and be able to encourage and empower others to keep doing the right things the right way too.  I hope that it isn't too much to ask.  All I want is to be busy with something meaningful for me and helpful to others.  Lord, I lay all my worries to You.  May I find peace in whatever decision You have for me. 

May 10 minutes pa ko bago yung Fight DO class na 45 minutes, so magmumuni-muni muna ko.  I haven't done this in a while rin eh.  1. Maulan pagpunta ko dito, naka-bike lang ako, medyo naawa ako sa sarili ko. Eto yung mga pagkakataon na minsan di ko alam kung tama ba yung mga desisyon ko talaga sa buhay. Yes, emote agad dahil sa ulan.  2. Unti-unti naman na kong nagiging mas brave na magsulat ng academic paper. Sabi naman ng friend ko, the more concise, the better, basta andun yung point of view. So basa, aral, sulat. Ganun na muna.  3. Yung mga classmate ko dito sa gym na mas matatanda pa sakin, eh mas magaling pa sakin sumayaw. Ayun nga, can't have it all talaga. Lol.  4. Sana paglabas ko dito mamaya, di na maulan. Or else, another set of self-pity emote na naman yun.  5. Konting push pa sa aral, Kat. 10 days na lang, exam na. Pag pray natin. Ipag-aral natin. Ipagsulat pa natin. Ipacritic pa natin.  6. Mga isang buwan na kong di naglalagay ng make up s...

I am dedicating the next few days for more readings, attempt on answering and more writing activities, just like what I did yesterday.  I got up from bed aroun 8AM, an hour late from my usual start of a weekend. In my head, I was already computing how much time to spend on each home chore until I can get ready to go the library. I didn't get to finish until 11:30AM. Two hours late from my anticipated ETD. But still, I'm happy to have cleaned and tidied up my little crib.  I intentionally left my phone home. I wasnt expecting any important calls or contact. It was quite a struggle at first but I am glad I made that detachment for 4.5 hours, studied two subjects, tried to complete an essay and get to read chapter of the book I'm reading. I borrowed two more at the library though I am not sure if I can lay a hand on it soon. But I have too.  Also, a friend asked me to do dramatic voice prosody recording of a poem for his class, and so I did. I actually enjoyed it. The Bumble...

I have been trying to go out more often recently. Gained a few people I can hangout with and since I am single, in a social context, the conversation will always go to that question of: What am I looking for in a man as a life partner? I realized that I really have no clear preferences or descriptive illusion of how and who and what I wanna be with. I would like to think that I am comfortable being single, but admittedly, on the deepest of me, I am still longing for someone. Specially now, where I am, actually I am surrounded by good pairs and it makes me wonder if will I ever have one for myself. I am praying for one for myself. I remember writing a few personal articles about what I want in a man and maybe it is about time to a re-writing, just so the wish doesn't disappear and also we should never underestimate the power of visualization of the the future we want. The Non-Negotiables 1. I want someone who treats his mom and family in general warmly and nicely. Not af...

Early morning flight back to Japan and I just wanna cry. Yesterday, I forgot my keys and thought I left it at the airport and so I called the airport lost and found section, police and another phone number only to be disconnected because the airtime on my sim ran out. Giving up on the situation and not-so helpful receptionist at the hostel, I opted to just buy a new weekender bag and a pair of scissors and cut the zipper line. Only to find out that I had the keys locked inside the bag.  I got on with packing and knowing that I would be overpacked and had a hard time doing another baggage increase, I knew that I had to pay extra at the counter and I thought that I had made a good computation of how much I will pay, I just get on with the earlier decision and tried to take an hour nap.  Woke up with the alarm, got dressed, hailed a cab, got into the bus terminal, bought the ticket, got on the bus, arrived at the terminal, picked up my luggage and the miserable feelin...

“If it’s time to go, it is time to go.” I would always tell myself and even others. At the moment I am rooted in this busy sub-tropic, laidback city and I am trying to think of reasons why I am still here despite everything that is going on. For one, I chose to be here. I like it here. I love it here. For one, the people around me are always genuinely warm, generous and accepting or so I thought. I know that there will always be someone I can turn to whenever I feel like I need some help.  Another is the mission. I had put myself into a not-so-impossible mission of helping out my friends put up the school but I am not really sure if my efforts are being valid or if it is all gonna be worth it.  I have some feeling of being lost, yet I find comfort to be with good friends that I had come to know here and in solitude that it offers.  I'm still working on reasons giving concrete definitions, descriptions, persona about why I like...

In my head, I had been wanting to write about so many things, people and thoughts. In my head, I have wrote all of them. I have posted about them. All in my head. The truth is, the two line above are the first two lines I will have posted and nothing about stories of: how I have been honest about being alone how I have fell in love to Miyazaki and it's making it hard for me to make decisions of leaving how I have managed to make new friends and appreciating them how much I miss home how much I miss my friends how much I miss intellectual discussion how I feel that feeling of not being able to move forward how I would describe that feeling of exhaustion from the day-to-day struggle of living and trying to make days purposeful and still feeling not enough.  Just so many and I am so thankful for the kids who hug me a lot lately. They would just come, showing they tiny arms spread on both sides, nodding their heads to call me and I just can't help but hu...

365 QOTD OMG! _________________. OMG! I am still here and not trying to look for a new job. Am I crazy? *********** I would like to think that this is a sacrifice worth all the time, the money and the effort. They have so much of a big dream and I would like to be part of it. Plus, the kids.. The kids. They are always my reasons to stay. Drop Everything And Read. I did that today. I am just so happy to have gone across the words I needed to know and to remind me that I am still in a better state of understanding the situation. I miss home. I suddenly miss everyone. Which reminds me, I really should be working on my itinerary for the Manila homecoming soon. So many struggles to work on at schools but holding on to the vision of better days ahead. For now, I'll drop by my friend's bar to say hi and then I will grab some grocery and then shower and call it a day. I need to fold those clothes before anything else. Friday tomorrow. So help me God.

I keep fidgeting. I can't focus. It is tough battle trying to fight these feelings. I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me, but I just can't seem to figure out what has to be done so I can stay focused on tasks at hand. I am on the verge of compromising a project and I can't let that happen. I am typing this one out hoping that after this, I will be able to work on it and just keep going. I just wanna cry for a lot of reasons and I can't even think which one to think of first and so I can't even start to cry anymore. It is just all inside and now writing it all out because I need to let it out. I am drowning in sadness, loneliness and purposelessness. I should get back to writing the lesson guides. I am almost done with the second one. I had to hide my mobile phones, and still fighting the feelings of clicking on the shortcuts on my laptop to type the first letter, click on TAB and then press ENTER. I chose to just write it all down here but mayb...

365 QOTD Does anyone owe you money? What a question after a hiatus. I miss you my little space. Hmmm.. Not that I can remember. Maybe? I would rather be on the lending side of this spectrum rather than the one seeking for rescue. Been there and it was never a good feeling to be on the needing side. *********** Talking about time and a few weeks more to go for my homecoming in mid-October. I should really get to deeper readings for the upcoming exam but here I am, can't even get one of the lesson guides done. Having a hard time picking up that writing chakra flowing. Deep sigh. I just need to get it back. I need it badly. Today I got one task out of 10 accomplished. Forgive thyself and get a good sleep. Tomorrow is Tuesday, at least get done with 3 out of 10. Why not make it all of them when you can. Let's eye all of the 10. Good night, Kat.

A few months ago, I had a vision of how this exact this is supposed to be: I will be in Hong Kong for a day and I will spend a day in Disneyland and then I will take another plane the next day that will take me to Malaysia for that Asia Pacific-wide event. But that isn't how it all gone. I am still at the airport though. Bound for Tokyo. More of a birthday treat, reconnection and maybe checking out of my options. Maybe next time, maybe some other time. I will make time. Things are slow, so slow that sometimes I just want to give up and keep myself small and mediocre and unseen. But big dreams come screaming and can't just shut them down. The upcoming dreams aren't design for an Asia Pacific-wide event anymore. It had gone deeper and more in depth in scope, no numerical value can represent and I would rather keep it at that. Taking this trip as a refresher and reset. Returning with more energy for greater hustles to come.

One of those normal weekends. Well not really usual but if ever these favorite people are around, it then becomes the normal--- sporty mornings, working afternoons and walwal nights.  Just so happy to be back on the sea even just for a few hours and be able to stand on the board and catch waves a few times and ending up with an achy upper back and shoulders. Contemplating on getting my own surfboard. Lol. But being with these two guys, I always feel safe. And I always learn something new and useful in my life.  Had been able to complete a few reports, browse through some readings, check schedules. September is slowly getting filled in even the weekends. October flights are already booked. Getting on with the days as smooth as I could and just really thankful for every opportunity to be of use for the community.  Unplanned night outs aren't usual, so saying yes to one made it really exciting. Loosening up a bit, missed the billiard table and met a bunch of interesting soul...

365 QOTD Who was the first person you saw today? People I know? I saw Aoi when I went to Daiso this afternoon. I was moving my bike to another place when I saw her walking with her friends and I just can't help but hug her because it has really been awhile since I saw her in person and it was a good and quick meet up. ************************* The day went by quick! All I did was a little bit of here and there and I hope to have a little bit of progress in it as well. Starting tomorrow, I will be working further the lesson plans for the Cambodia project. I need to have a draft for editing within the week. I need to pick up the momentum of being able to write again. I was able to answer a practice question for the Comprehensive Exam. But still lacking. I realized that it would be better to read during bed time and get up early and try to answer at least a question while prepping in the morning. On top of that, I also need to self-study basic research as well. I need to...

It is 830AM JST as I type this away.  I am tempted to stand up and prepare my coffee as the brewing machine had completed its task. But let me work on this first and do more later.  Yesterday's birthday went pretty well.  Woke up early, well not really. Or at least I did but didn't get to start chores til 8AM and finished it around 10AM, tried to write a lesson guide and then spent almost 3 hours at the gym. I always enjoy bath time right over there.  Went home, took a nap. Woke up and did some more writing and tried printing some stuff for next week but the printer was action up so I thought I had to update the OS software and forgot to manually save the file I am working on. Luckily, it was on recovered mode after the update.  Went out to meet someone for the second time and it all went fine. I am just glad to have someone to talk to, he wasn't supposed to know that it was my birthday but my tongue slipped for a bit and talked about the canc...

Last night, my friends and I watched the trending movie in the Philippines:  HELLO LOVE GOODBYE I started watching the video in a very light mood, giving side comments and ended up with swollen, red eyes, scattered tissue all over and a runny nose.  - Moving to another country for greener pasture is a combination of faith and courage. As our imaginations play for the good stuff, sometimes, it overshadows the realities that we have to pursue first before anything else.  - It takes a lot of courage to have a picture of what you deserve as a person and also of how much you can give for others. Because with that vision of a better future, you also discover the different paths and challenges that you have to overcome.  - The greatest kind of love is sacrifice. And with letting go comes the ultimate level of trust in the future, that whatever tiny steps you do today leads you to making your dreams come true.  - Keep your eyes on the goal. No m...

365 QOTD What is your own favorite physical feature? Hmmm.. My eyes? Not that they are beautiful but it is a part of me that I know I can't hide nor lie. Or at least, it is a challenge for me to do so.  And I always wish I had better arms and legs. LOL. ****************************** Two glasses of wine and a little tipsy as I type this away and after this, I am going to bed.  The winds and rains outside had been steadily strong for the entire day and it as I have mentioned to someone, typhoon days aren't my best days-- would have been because classes are cancelled, a little cooler weather and just ready to chill at home. But has never been like that.  At some point, I am grateful that this typhoon isn't heading down south to PH because with this intensity and length of time of exposure, I don't know what could be left of PH unscathed and unharmed when it passes.  ****************************** The needy state lingers and I have no way of fig...

A week at the gym and loving it. I haven't been doing anything that can be considered hard workout but I do love the feeling of sweating and being able to learn how to dance. HAHA. If ever I don't get to reach the kind of body that I like, at least I would be able to say that I tried learning how to dance. Days are slow. Funds are slowly running out. Stocks dropped. Feelings are still erratic. I am going to be a year older again. Still, grateful for the constants and the possibilities. I am having some challenges at work but none of it matters when I am with the kids. I am having very low motivation preparing lessons, and been having some communication misunderstandings with the owner and her husband had been very patient to make sure that both point of views are heard and priorities are straightened out.  I really need to get back to studying. A week from time next week and hopefully I can get started with at least 2 more subjects, halfway with what I have, record some...

I'm in the middle of trying to grasp meanings. I'm in the state of just trying to get through the day with all those commitments and self-care. Dragging myself to moments that I can just be alone and get lost into working, and scrolling and going back to working and thinking about useless things in my head. Positivity is gold and indeed it is a struggle to find and keep on top of everything. Life has this tendency to veer towards negativity and worthless and those that would lead to self-destruction. Bumping into Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules in Life has been very timely. Despite the secularistic intents of the rules, I would like to think that it is by His Grace that keep trying to find desire to move forward and live a good life. As I keep telling myself, despite the upcoming challenges, I intend to not change anything with my goals. As a reminder from a friend, I will always have a home to come home to. For now, let me keep taking care of myself because only ...

I'm still on the restless mode. And grateful for the energy that I have, I just need to be able to re-divert it to what is really important. Quite a struggle. I promised abstinence in social media, but I still slip and most of the time, I am over the time limit. Hayst. Working on it. One thing I am proud of myself is the opportunity to be chosen as part of the team of authors for the Student and Teacher Manuals for a Design Thinking Process-based Robotics competition for high schools in the Philippines! The project is demanding and humbling and makes me more grateful than ever all at the same time. One of these days, I will sit down and reflect on the experience and write it all down.

I checked my calendar and it seems that my period is due again soon. Which means that my hormones are up and crazy again. My emotions are in its roller coaster rides, overwhelming and as usual, if ever, I would probably have chosen to just sit in a corner, cry for various petty reasons and waste my time sulking. Fighting it all back is such a struggle, but I am here. Typing this out while in the passenger seat. Next to the owner of the school I work for, fighting back the tears, just trying to get through the day.  One consolation I have for now is the thought that there is someone waiting for me at home-- in flesh. My friend and her daughter are in town for 10 days. 

365 QOTD What recently happened that made you so proud of yourself? *Deep sigh* I can't really think of anything big or special or extraordinary that happened recently in my life. Knowing that none of my plans will come to reality in the next few weeks, some had even been busted already, it is just hard to think of things to be grateful and proud for myself. But if you would consider getting up early, getting ready for work and maintaining that happy face in front of the kids and colleagues and friends and  the struggle to keep the daily energy and routine going despite negavibes and all, I think I can be proud of myself for that. ********************************* Got up early to prepare bento but I didn't really get to eat the konyaku I prepared as rice substitute. Before that, breakfast was just bread and butter and coffee in soymilk and that dietary fiber supplement and the MemoPlus tablet I try to take every day. Day in school was quite normal. I have been tryi...

A question to ask myself regularly: What choice can I make and what action can I take in this moment to create greatest net value?  Morning walk so far has been about this podcast. And I am happy of the choice I had made.  The conversation is centered on value dynamics of the things that we do and it all boils down to human experience.  At the end of the day, we want ourselves and others to have a worthwhile experience.  Monday hits and looking forward to an awesome week ahead of me. 

I am recycling a notebook and saw this note without a date. 

365 QOTD Have you played the lottery? The real ones? Not really me, but my uncle would usually ask me to go to the lottery booth along the way home so I can check in his numbers. I never really had luck in randomness. But I still believe that the best things happen unexpectedly. How weird, ironic or hopeless my trail of thought could ever be. ****************** Saturday flew by quickly. As planned and not-so planned. The morning private class went by swiftly as very conversational-type. He said that for the month of August he would like to take a break and resume classes in September. Behind that is a message that he doesn't seem to be needing my service anymore and a subtle way of saying, "I don't wanna pay for this crappy service anymore." I had been so unprepared lately, no more online postings of future lessons, no checking ins and outs, just really come in, get on with the hour and be done with it. So irresponsible of me, I know. I really need to ...

I had a conversation with this old guy last night because he is looking for a 30-ish female English conversation teacher for a student he has in the university. Then, he started off checking my credentials and life in Miyazaki. Then, he started shooting off with his own stints in Miyazaki and since he mentioned about retiring I jokingly dropped off that I would be happy to learn from him as I am on that career path of building a steadier career. Mentioned about my big dream and all I got was this:  Thirty years?! Imagine that at 30 years and you haven't seen any thing has changed. I am so glad he is retiring. Lol.  Also, I am a teacher, who else would I concentrate at: the kids of course!  In 30 years, how old will they be? In their early 30s and hopefully they will be the ones taking over these jobs and other jobs this generation will be making for them.  He ended the night on a good note. Politely said good night and looking forward to ch...

365 QOTD What's in your mailbox today? The physical mailbox, nothing. The e-mail boxes, tons of them. But that email I am waiting for hasn't arrived yet and I am not sure if I will ever get counted. I was overthrown the boat on the first ride and it seems that I am still under threat of the same disregard in this situation. I will probably cry if it happens. But maybe not. If it goes that way, I will probably just book a flight to either Taiwan or Hong Kong and milk tea my heart out. HAHAHA. But I need to be able to go somewhere during that time. For the meantime, let me go and sleep and work my ass tomorrow onwards. As usual.

I suddenly felt down today. It's the first day of the time of the month. The hormones are screaming in and out. The worries just burst out as well. And I think this is one of the many emotional breakdowns I have been battling for as long as I can remember. I can't seem to hold on to optimism today. Then, there is that sudden feeling of needing to cry, to hug someone, to have that sense of security in my being that I just can't seem to find anywhere. Well, it is inside me, but today, I can't dig it out of me. I am trying to close my eyes to pray, but my tears just won't stop from flowing and so I just decided to write it down here. Hoping someday, when I read this, feeling better, I can have that sense of pride for surviving this stage if ever I do survive. Or if not, at least those people who will take time to read this, will know that I tried. They said that enumerating the concerns and issue could help shed some light, re-align priorities and provide doa...

I went out and agreed to meet someone today. It was a good choice. A good break. I almost forgot about our previous conversation and good thing that he called in and informed me that he is on his way, but for sure, he wasn't on his way until I replied to that notice an hour after he sent the message. LOL. I was so engrossed with finishing the lessons, having that burger and enjoying the gloomy skies and the rustling sounds of the waves that I forgot to check my phone for messages until after I took a nap. Good job self for being open again. Though not-so open, really. Still a good start. Will there be a second date? Who knows. Today was really all conversations. We didn't even get to get something to eat. We just sat by the bench, facing the ocean, fired away with conversations, got bored in between and then, I realized that I need to catch the train back to the city. If ever there is a second one, I promise to make sure that it will be over a hearty lunch or a warm ...

I thought I'll go somewhere unplanned today. I'll go to the Aoshima Beach.  Still not so unplanned. But at least something that will shake me off the routine, and give a sense of randomness in my day.  I have been spending money on material things much more than I should be for exploring and experiencing. So today, taking a step forward on to randomness on weekends.  When I get there, I will finish a lesson guide and then reward myself with a burger for lunch. Take a walk at the beach in the afternoon and hop on that evening train and call it another day. 

This is one of those mornings that I am not so proud of myself. But wouldn't want to feel disappointed of mysef, too. ( Anuberrr.. San na lang ba ko lulugar?! LOL .) I left the dishes dirty, the bed just half-made, I am just not really myself today. Then, I just really had to go on with the day. Ate breakfast, dressed up, rode that bus, had to go on with the day, and so I did. Ended the day with another shopping spree and dinner with okonomiyaki and yakisoba and gulped down a cold glass of high ball. With the day's conversations and interactions, I realized that no matter how we try to establish good connection woth others, there will always be that moment the other party would note as a point that needs improvement. Just because they sent you a message, they expect you to respond right away. Seen-zoned has become rude and delayed responses is unacceptable. It goes to show that this society and technology indeed want us to be glued to the system, be manipulated, surr...

365 QOTD What are you looking forward to? Very timely question! I am looking forward to finish all my deliverables (feedback addressed and improvements included) by June 26th. And rewarding myself with a trip to Harmonyland in Oita in the last week of June. I signed up a writing project for writing lesson guides. All 10 lesson guides need to be in in two weeks' time. ************** I had the weekend all planned out until I decided to stay late and missed the bus at the mall this afternoon. I was having a good time gossiping with older Filipina ladies and so I missed the bus and with that, I had to wait another 40 minutes for the next bus. While waiting, I decided to go to the nearest boutique and in 40 minutes time, I was able to get 5 dresses and 2 pairs of shoe for an amount I could never imagine I can spend for clothes in a span of 40 minutes but I did. LOL. Lately, I have been wanting to wear flowy, airy and long dresses, which really, doesn't really seem to matc...