Life of a Kat

 The other night, I dreamt of my hair becoming beautifully curled and long and I love it so much. I googled the meaning and it says that dreaming of long hair means re-birth and self-discovery. I was so excited for it and just happy. It felt like a tinge of hope that I can still pursue things that I had put on hold for so long now.  Then, the other night I dreamt of meeting my friends and going to work. In the dream, I was so eager to meet my classmates but they were not as excited as I was but in my head I was calculating how much time would I be spending with them so I can still make it on time to work.  I was able to meet them but like I said, they were not that excited to meet me and so I took my leave but in the parking lot, there was car blocking the ramp so I couldn't exit. I tried to push the blockage and so I was deadbeat but I was still able to reach the parking lot and in my head I was calculating the amount of time I have left so I can reach the place in time ...

A few paragraphs here and there, and a draft has been made. Re-scheduling events has been pushing back the implementation of trainings in the school but I cant help but be also grateful for it coz it gives me time to be able to prepare for it more and more but the pressure it brings is nothings different that it initially gives.  November personal fitness plans hasnt been going as planned. The Wake Up at 5AM Project hasn't been launched with the success rate of 10-10 days of having done it in the month. Well, there are still days for it. Too early to give up on oneself.  This new-but-not-new table I had got is giving me productivity and I love it and grateful for it and I couldn't be more excited for the other things that I will be able to complete with this investment.  Closing in 2024 with forward steps is the goal, and meeting 2025 with more concrete tasks to accomplish is the plan. 

I did it today :) 

If there is one topic I can probably write about so well, but still not with a good outline just yet, it will probably be on the topic of self-sabotage: A Guidebook on How to Self-Sabotage. For the past years since the pandemic ended, I seem to have lost a lot of not all, the joy in exploring, discovering and pushing for writings. A lot of things happened since then, both good and bad and I couldn't be more thankful for finding my person.  Finding and living a life with my person has so far been the highlight of my days. Every day, I am grateful and happy for it. As he works on growing himself in front of me, I felt a bit of shame, telling myself that I used to have the same attitude, what has changed?  The academic struggles seem to have been forgotten, the joy for journaling waded for a bit and it appeared days were always busy when the truth is, it wasn't. It was just passing through like it is supposed to be and I have been losing all the time by staring, scrolling, and sp...

I was so lost at home that I couldnt accomplish anything that D suggested I go and work at my friend’s cafe in the city. True enough, I was able to do things and more. Capped it off with a conversation about creative work with one of the foreign people I know and I am fond of as well. She has been writing and sometimes not writing and I wish I can have the same passion for writing as she has right now. I always tell myself, I wanna be able to write but Im not even writing anything.  So what do I create? I tell her she should just keep writing whatever brain dump she has when I should really be telling and pushing myself to do the same. 

I cant remember the last time I woke up really so early intentionally to do something like exercise, read an abstract of a research or write on my journal.  Well, today, it is happening. Time check: 4:09 AM JST as I write this and as much as I would like to exercise,  I think today, I will just write this down.  I actually feel good waking up at this hour and I would like to challenge myself to keep doing this. After this, I'll prepare a deck for presentation about Lesson Planning and then go back to bed after that.  It feels good to be able to do this stuff again.  I just finished reading the book The Leader Who Had No Title and I felt so empowered and awestruck how to live a life like that again and again. I am reminded that I have the choice and every opportunity to live the kind of life I want. And I had always wanted to be an "academic"/researcher and eversince I was single I had fallen short of acting like one and so my progress had been so slow to no prog...

Finally changed the alarm clock from 6:45 to 7:30.  The daily temperature is getting cooler and just more cozy to just stay in bed and roll. But no. We don't want that.  Submitted my re-admission request for my master's degree in UPOU. Hoping it will get me back up and running, but honestly just praying for a mentor, an advisor that can lead me through. But I guess, that will just be myself.  I only have more than a year to spare for this selfish goal. After that, I have to focus on home-making and making use of my genes and of course, taking care of my husband. It has been quite a journey for us.  This year has been an opportunity to recover and move and hopefully get back into a healthier shape that is more ready for what is yet to come. 

A Filipino Olympian made himself a legend at Olympics 2024 by winning 2 gold medals at different gymnastics category.  Gold medal/s he had been preparing for all his life and what has probably just been his life ever since.  His best advice has been: Just show up.  As he has been doing so in all his training days. And look at him now, all eyes on him as he enjoys the fruits of his lifetime labor.  Meanwhile, as for me, all I wanted is to just gain the strength and energy back again, I obviously had earned back in the days , weeks and months that I showed up and moved my body, enjoyed the sweat, and pain and now, it just seems so hard to do.  The audacity of myself to give up on me. How can she do it me. But I don’t think she has given up on me? It’s too early to say. I think it is again and again that taken for granted attitude of procrastination that is pulling me back from my goals. 

 I have been scrolling on social media endlessly, again and again. Again?  The awareness is there but the desire to stop and live life as it is, seem just hard to find and paralized as it is, might as well soak in the deep doom of scrolldom I did.  I have been unhappy inwardly for all things that I should be grateful for. After all, the things that I have right now were things I used to pray for.  The people and tribe I have around me right now, bring me so much joy and purpose.  The family has been strong and I pray that they continue to be stronger and healthier every day.  The husband has always been cheerful and active and positive about life and adventure. Of course we have our down days and that's the reality of it. In every prayer, I ask the Lord to give us patience, strength and unending love for each other so that we maybe able to fulfill the desires of hearts for our ownselves and for us a couple.  I watched Maricar's interview on Tony Talks ...

 Black Forceps is a Japanese medical drama I recently finished.  I can't say it has the best line up of actors and actresses. But since I am a sucker for medical dramas, I got hooked into it.  The poetic lines were also applaudable up to a cringe level, but heck, I learned so much from it. Mostly, unkind words, bossy orders in Japanese. HAHA.  I still liked it. Stan. Ugh. I forgot whatever that Gen-Z word I want to use.  My obsession for finishing up when starting something got me glued into this 10-episode Jdrama, coz though the acting were all weird and just predictable, in many angles, the final episode still took me dumb-founded, jaw-dropped and hanging just because the ending wasn't really finished.  Until the next review no one asked for! 

 How's life been going for you? I am still here, not feeling stuck anymore but kinda slow and moving.  Am I happy? I don't know. But if you ask me if I am grateful? ... A big YES! for every single thing there is?  Not much big plans this year and just really being able to live life as it is.  I don't know. It seems that sitting down and typing this like this takes much time? I am considering Video Diaries moving forward.. HMMMMMMM... 

We woke up a bit late and heavy after sleeping late because we watched the applauded REWIND from the recently concluded Metro Manila Film Fest.  I was never a really a follower of the movie scene in general, but every now and then, it makes sense to follow the good crowd for recommendations.  Rewind was a movie about man who asked for a second chance, to save his wife's life. To go back in time and make amends with all the people he had hurt. In exchange, his own life will be taken, in exchange for the primary scene that the wife died.  In real life, there is no Rewind. There is no going back, but it doesn't mean that there is no time for amends and reparation of damages. But albeit, to save one from all the troubles of regrets, the movie taught us that life should be lived with kindness, boldness and forgiveness.  It weighs on the heart to be unforgiving, there is so much anger and hate.  It feels heavy on the feet to perform daily tasks that are not done with ...

As of today, we have kept the routine as usual. Wake up. Warm water. Breakfast. Yoga. Blog update.  I can already see April 2024 as busy as it can be and I am just as excited about what unfolds moving forward.  Regaining back energy and enthusiasm felt like a task until I just let life take its course. Just do what needs to be done and then, I am a happy little thing from here on.  I am grateful for the warm hugs at night, the quiet mornings and a day full of tiny adventures.  Whats up for today now that we have crossed of the morning routine? - check with Espoir tasks  - set up reminder for April 25th meeting - take a nap - go to work  I want to rearrange the things inside our house in such a way that we can finally reclaim the hobby of music for both of us.. hmm..  Today's Verse of the day:  But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through ...

Let's go for an early morning brain dump.  The other day, I was thinking of journaling and my introduction was supposed to be, "I don't like my body."  I know! What a horrible thing to say to oneself, knowing that with this body, I had achieved and reached so many and afar. Probably the emotional roller coaster of the past few days.  Today, I started calm.  We woke up and of course, I felt the morning kiss on my cheek. An obligatory kiss. LOL. I asked him to do that to me, as the first thing to do when he wakes up beside me.  I stayed in bed a little longer as he scour around the kitchen for his morning shenanigans. Then there's breakfast, then I am able to complete Day 1 of 30 of a Yoga Challenge I had put for myself. Not because I don't like my body but because it is time to give myself that tough love I deserve. Tough love because it is never easy to sustain, I know it coz here I am, whipping my butt and belly into shape again, as if its the hardest thing t...

I think this recovery will be slow. As much as I want it to be really zooming into the horizon of genkiness and energy, I need to embrace this moment of loss and realization.  A lot of things are running in my head. That sense of worth just totally gets shaken coz what if I never really get to be able to carry a child full term, give birth and rear one. Of the many things I am capable of doing in my life, this negative thought can totally pull me down. And I am writing this just to get it off my mind and realize that my life may seem dull, sad at the moment but for sure, there are other things I can do. With that, I should be taking this period of recovery a time to explore deeper on what else I can do with my life as I play different roles for different people around me. Am I still up to write a research paper? Am I up for a managment post? Am I up to be really successful? Am I ready to give my mother the comfort in life she deserves? This period of recovery should be moments of s...

Another day is about to pass, today is a bit more calm than yesterday, but more painful in the inside knowing that things didn’t go well and the reality of life that sometimes, what we want is not always what we get.  Physically painful, but I know that recovery will be fast depending on how open I am to accepting that pregnancy isn’t for me just yet. I want to be more healthy again, more energetic, more hopeful, more to give. I want to prepare my physical body to be a vessel. I want my heart to be ready for the opportunity to be a mom coz underneath the excitement there has always been that fear if I will be good enough for the role, to be entrusted with life, not just in the classroom, but for formation from conception to become a human being, reared and taken care of, fed, clothed and formed in values.  There is pain right now, in my heart and in my body, but just like every other events in life, this too shall pass. It is good to grateful at least for a short while to savo...

My “full-time” job expects that I show up at work mostly in the afternoons.  Actually if I didn’t have a car and just rely on public transport, transit will be the major time consumer. And so, I invested on a car.  Now, most mornings are free.  I had always been so lost in the mornings despite setting up projects and tasks but there are times that I just can’t seem to stop scrolling on social media accounts and prying, envying other people’s lives and questioning the universe why I am stuck where I am right now. It’s an endless cycle of unfinished tasks, boring routines and wants that I know I don’t deserve at the moment coz of my current disposition in life.  As life is taking a big change in the coming days, I can’t help but be scared on how it will all turn out to be, and then, I am reminded that I have a powerful God, an ever supportive life partner, a family and group of friends who would always have my back to celebrate with.  I am just so emotional right ...

 The refurbished laptop just arrive and being able to set it up slowly as I transfer work and other tasks in this laptop.  It costed me a fortune, and I'm just looking forward to the ROI of this thing for the next few years.  I have been finding excuses to be unproductive and having this tiny machine with me from here onwards, gets me excited to work and resume passion for things that I am involved with. It feels good typing this here. 

I cant remember which month I started to watch it. I usually play a tv series episode on the background every morning just for the sake of the humanly sounds around me as I go through the day.  I was on the verge of quitting to watch it altogether, but on most days, I tried to find the time to really sit and watch it, savor the conversations and the emotions of every character. The twists and turns and House's downfall, but even in death, he made it work for his favor.  It will take a lot of integrity to be able to call others idiot, a lot of care too, to call out somebody and make them hear that they are idiots or morons. In House's case, he calls them out, but never leave them behind or alone in the discovery of how to un-idiot themselves.  He may have been very selective of the people to be vulnerable with, but he was always been genuine. A man with so much love for puzzles and the truth, the ultimate truth and not the truth the works for them.  The people around ...

Fourth time to fail JLPT. Not a good intro, I know, but that's also the 4th time that I really haven't any effort nor pressure on myself to get something with the obvious results of failure.  The inner motivation and purpose wasn't really there. And if I just put a little more effort, maybe just another couple of weeks focused on the readings, maybe, maybe, the test results would have been different.  The test score fell short of 4 points. That accumulated score in general wasn't really a result of focused study but of tiny bits of studying here and there for the past 6 years. Imagine if I had put a little bit of obsession on it like how I put effort on other commitments I have signed up for and get a more satisfactory result.    I am sad yet, overall happy coz my friends who really needed the passing results nailed it.  As I try to keep a more focused and meaningful engagements, it is obviously about time to give myself that passing score it deserves that event...

I realized that watching House MD with quite consistency felt like reading to me. Is thay an excuse or is it really what it feels to me?  On my long drive on my way here to Kanoya, I also enjoyed listening to the audio of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F and it felt good. In some way, it was a good recall of the pages and thoughts I have certainly tried to absorb from the moment I have read of it and also forgotten the moment I let things fall apart.  I am not fond of watching movies without subtitles, that was thecresding part, I think.  I do miss the feeling of reading quietly, lost in the text, my physical body at rest while my whole mind has its own boob tube inside, scenes and people change as I read, I have the power to put me in the situation then and there.   I like the feel of writing as if I al slowly painting a picture, not perfect coz in no way I have been good with art, but somewhat a Picasso-esque mode of cubism, patching thoughts and ideas to make it l...

It’s a Friday morning and  here I am waiting for my coffee to drip, the laundry to finish and of course, the next episode of House MD.  Yes, House MD, that medical drama that was so famous back in 2004 onwards. I’m just on Season 3 right now. Oh also, I just completed watching Crash Landing on You late in 2023.  Today, after all these things, I have to start readings, outlines for this month’s training, re-write previous trainings, go to the gym (?) ugh I have just been hating that place lately just because it is always crowded and not enough machine and I can’t use the studio to practice ropeflow. It wasn’t a very good choice to sign up but it was also a good choice to get me started with getting back to movement.  And I can’t just break that daily streak of movement today because it’s cold!!!! And that big warm bath and onsen in there would be good to get started with afternoon work. Aaaashhhh.  Before all these shenanigans, I gotta figure out what’s for lunch...