Life of a Kat

I usually do an entire blog entry as to how the year had gone. I also haven't gone through my Year Compass task which in some sense, helps in navigating the year ahead, something I admittedly failed to accomplish for 2021.  2021 had been heavily burdened, a year of loss in terms of valuable time and people, and below expectations with job performances, as it all happened, I chose to flow with the events to survive and to experience life.  The first part was kinda amazing, kicking off the adventures up in the air, embraced the sun, got so tanned, exhausting but kept telling myself to just keep moving.  Disappointment kept showing itself in my way too low academic performance, thrashed thesis proposal, below expectation evaluations at work and then, Lola decided also it is time to take her final rest. 2021 had been generally behind    with all the long term goals I had set for myself with intent but no full convictions and less- to-no action at all.  2021 had...

 Dear You,  How are you? I hope you are well. It had been awhile that I had written a letter, more so addressed to YOU, someone I probably know or still have to meet in the future. I am yet to know.  I haven't written you in for quite a long time, but in my head, every time I space out, I take time to write you a letter. When I am happy, I wish I can share it to you right away.  When I am sad, I wish you are the one person I can talk to.  When I am sleeping, I wish you are that one warm body I could hug.  When I am bored, I wish I can spend those boring times with you.  Every time I meet someone, I always make this huge mistake of wishing that it is already you. A very bad expectation, when I should have zero expectations altogether.  It hurts and I don't know when I will ever learn.  But let's not delve into that cycle of unending drama of unmet expectations. I am writing this to express my newest realizations about being in a relationship w...

 Every year, I make this post about Christmas and its meaning. For some reasons, the introduction I thought of for the post was:  It is a bit difficult to post something grateful and happy about Christmas-- somewhere along that line. This year had been insanely tough in many aspects. It made me look back into how I had handled it all differently in 2020, which had been quite a year that despite its pandemic, I felt that I had thrived.  But Christmas isn't about all those hardships that I had been going through, but it is all about faith and salvation.  It was the day that Jesus Christ was born. He then suffered more hardships that I could ever imagine, for which, in exchange, if I believe in Him, I am bound to have an everlasting life in heaven.  ************** As we grow older, wearing pajamas, instead of something else that could make us look and feel good, are far better. Curled up in bed, snuggling or cuddled. For now, I am on my own. wrapped in thick blanke...

​ Closing windows and your smile is the last thing and the most bright I see. This Monday had  been quite heavy, I wish I can hug you now. 

Dedicating Tuesday morning thoughts of gratitude to these four people I have met in 2021.  We were gathered as a group of alumni for an NGO we all had worked for. Me, being the pioneer, while most of them being new grads from the fellowship program of two years as public school teachers.  I am grateful for them because they make me look forward for setting our meetings and always feel better after getting in touch with them.  Though we all have our own quirks and differences, we were able to let go of our own judgments, enough to be able to speak out freely and vulnerably. When one speaks, the others listens and let one know that someone is listening. It is such a different kind of safe feeling.  One day, we will have another meeting, over coffee and glasses of wine, in the Philippines, the place we all love so dearly.   

Photo of me by the observstory of Bonotsu Town Museum.  That was a statement I told my cousin-big sister.  "I want to finish 2021 strong."  I picked up on ropeflow again and started recording and posting my videos on my social media again. No full clips. Just the 15 secs for one full story for today. It felt good. It felt better as I can see myself and my archives of stories about the things I had done. Getting back to the commitment in movement as one of them.  From November 30 to December 5th, I am staying at Makurazaki, Kagoshima, considered to be the southernmost part of the mainland Kyushu region.  On Wednesday, I drove the coastal roads that had gone up and down the mountainside for sights. In one of the scenic stops, I met a Filipina, Tita Wilma, as I would like to call her from then.  On Thursday, I drove the Samurai Houses complex and walked around 7 beautiful gardens and their historical houses. I had learn so much and I'd like to go back and walk...

 How painful it is to say that I can't write anymore. How more painful it is to say that I can't sustain reading anymore.  My brain and my life had been hacked and I am suffering so much. The only thing I am good now is to cry when I get the chance.  Self, please know that I am trying my best to get us back on a good track, it is just really hard for me and as much as I want to talk about it, I know that the people around me have other stuff to do than to listen to my pathetic shiznitz.  I just wanna be able to wake up with a good purpose in life, but I am not feeling that.  I am barely existing. But I am hopeful, one day, I will find my way back. My energy and my purpose. 

I keep telling myself that I will blog something about my current life status. I actually have been doing that, just not written down  😅 . In my head most of the time especially when I am alone I have lotsa pouring in my head.  Things have been difficult for me. That even sitting down and typing away which used to be my very own destressor has been hard. It had been difficult to find the time and courage to fully describe where i am currently at in my thoughts and in my life.  To say I am stuck, is an understatement. I dont even know if what I have been struggling to complete and get an academic title for is meaningful. I just couldn't read nor write nor compose my thoughts like I used to. I lost it all.  I am thinking that a lot of if has to do with the supplements I used to take in. I haven't had Usana in a while nor Memoplus and that's when I could really be so productive and just keep moving.  Placebo or not, I am hopeful that once I get those meds when my ...

 I just got back from my Okinawa holiday trip. Slowly settling back to the tasks I have left behind.  As I try to get into Thesis Mode, I am veering into the decision of getting back to my usual life cycle of:  AM- Study Early PM- Work  Late PM- Gym and workout I think that routine helped me out a lot before to flow more smoothly and focus on the writing parts.  If there is anything that I had picked up from the recent trip, it is that as much as I am experiencing the pains of getting into thesis mode, I am also excited to get into it coz I know that I will learn more and understand further. Starting it all with Learning to TRY HARDER. 

November 5, 2021  1600 Blacksmith Premium Garden  Kagoshima City  I opened and read my previous study guides for Education Research. It was a feeling of relief and happiness.  Relief to know that I still have the courage to do it.  Happiness because I am so proud of myself for choosing such a difficult task and working my way towards it.  For now, the negotiated 2 minutes probably got extended to 30 minutes interrupted in between with conversations with my siblings and scrolling on my IG. Still a struggle, but getting there.  I was also able to open the draft of my thesis proposal, added a few more questions that could possibly be re-structured to be research questions. Hmm… There are a lot of possibilities.  At this moment, I am sitting down at a café in the midst of the bustling city of Kagoshima on a rainy day. I am praying that the rains would stop in time for my drive back to Miyazaki tonight. It will be somewhat around 3-4 hours if I decide ...

So, this is how this day had been going.  I would like to congratulate myself for finishing a book. A YA book at that. Still not the goal, but having to finish a book and not glued to my phone, that is already an achievement. Now, just gotta change the element of the content to read and find language education and research as appealing and intriguing as romance stories of unrequited love, betrayal and sacrifices. Hayst.  Does it really have to be this slow of a progress? Can I even call this as a progress? I can't even trust myself.  Also, having the time to type this down right now is some sort of change. I have been wanting to do a lot of writing, just any kind of writing, and this is how far as it can be right now.  Get that laptop open and have the reading pages open.  A friend just sent a message about her visa application rejected and it also breaks my heart hear the news. Not the best gift for birthday. But sometimes, knowing the feeling of rejection is o...

This has been life lately. In the morning I would put on my workout clothes and try to move either work out or do things at home. But I have never opened my academic research papers nor have they opened any abstract nor read any academic articles that I think will help me move forward with my thesis writing. It is excruciating. But I know that when I start doing it again and decide to just do it I can do it. Tomorrow, I'll do it I promise. 

Ikoma Kogen Kobayashi Miyazaki Prefecture Autumn Season Cosmos Festival 2021 

Today's achievement is a 520km trip!  Miyazaki > Kurume, Fukuoka (VV) A friend asked a favor of driving him for his passport renewal and so, I tagged another friend and thought of visiting another friend who lives in that city and it all went a blast!  Sometimes, things would really just have to be spontaneous like today. Coz no matter how much I try to put things and priorities in a certain way, the universe will always throw a curve ball. 

Taken as the ship moves away from a loading point bound for Odaiba Port.  *************************** As of today, I am taking a cold turkey treatment for the use of social media, mainly that of Instagram to give more time and attention to things that matters. It had been an ongoing battle and I think that is one necessary step, but still not the main one to go for. Still, I know that it will do me so well eventually.  Whatever I want to write in the future, I intend to write it here. Who knows, it might be something people of the future would find useful just how Stoics are finding so much to embrace about the thoughts of Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations :D  Yes, hun. I dream big and millenially in long term.  Slowly putting life in order. Again. Longing for the old routine, but we all know that is just not gonna happen anymore. 

This whole washing machine breakdown is starting to get over my whole being. Sinong mag-aakala na iiyak ako dahil sa di ko alam kung pano gamitin ang self-service laundry services dahil hindi ako marunong magbasa ng kanji characters.  Tapos biglang may mag-eemail na meron akong coverage lesson na akala ko ay today, pero when I took the time to pause and re-read the email, para pala yun bukas.  Napaka-importante nung Pause Moment. It somewhat recenters our brain to be able to re-act non-violently and appropriately to the situation we are facing.  At the moment, the Move stage has reached its peak level and I am taking a Pause in this Flow. Take note self, a Pause and not a Stop or a Change Course nor a Self-Destruct. 

Autumn is here. 

Monday, you have been stressful yet beautiful. Thank you for a day that rolled so tiring, boring and confusing yet allowed me to survive and  that I had my first ever non-ESL-related webinar for Filipino teachers. It had been an honor.  This outfit had been so comfy and flowy and just cutieee... haha

Losing my grip on many things and I am finding it so hard to not even move forward, I am having a hard time finding my way to get back on track.  I lost a week's worth of time to paying under the sun, scrolling on social media and just doing stuff necessary for survival and not really growth. And now, I am consuming time to keep repeating this mistake again and this is my very first vocal and loud acknowledgement of the shortcomings that occurred and deliberate irresponsibility that I had made.  After this 8th episode of Money Heist, Season 3, I'll go to bed.  I declare that before lunch time of today, I have prepared my lecture notes and powerpoint slides. 

Scorpion Reach Crab Reach Tree Pose Airplane pose Handstand? 

 Yesterday, we were just talking about Kuya getting transferred to a new hospital and then just today, he is being discharged and deemed an outpatient. Meaning, he will be on his own and will just be picked up at his home whenever it is time for his treatments.  I hope it all goes well. I hope he has someone with him at home to look after him. I hope I live close. But I am not yet ready to give up my life in here. So many things going on right now and I just need to calm down and talk to Kuya about so many things as to how he plans to go and move forward with the treatments.  Hopefully, with the local travel restrictions lifted, the international ones will also be loosened up and then we can have better arrangements for Kuya.  I dont want him to go back to PH sooner coz who knows what is coming up, it is election, the pandemic isn't getting any better in there and just all sorts of problems coming up and about.  I kind now understand the significance of craving ...

 I started watching Squid Game as highly-recommended by one of my closest friends.  It is so odd that all over the world people are promoting and preaching kindness when in the opposite side of the spectrum we find entertainment in shows that is full of cruelty, grotesque, thoughts of selfishness and survival of the fittest in any forms of ways of doing so.  Is this our way of humanism? Through animalistic approach?  I am still watching it. Just putting in my two cents here that I am not sure anybody else would be interested in. 

You have been a beautiful season of solo trips, brave attempts and moments of rekindling my love for natural light photography. In this scrapbook of life, you are my My Season of Adventure in my Many-Unwanted-Surprises-Yet-Love-Filled Year.  This season, I broke my own heart and forgiving myself in the process, too. I owe it to myself.  One day, I will sit next to my Ted Mosby as he says this:  ****: I'll be back. Me: I'll be right here.  Claiming that I am meant to be in an intimate relationship that allows me to grow in purpose and in love. May the autumn season be my season of bloom and growth, collection of warmth, from the inside. 

I want to be with my "someone" that's for sure. But how? My Ted Mosby hasn't found me yet. Had he travelled back in time to tell me, "See you."? And that in the next few days or months, we are meant to meet, be friends, fall in love with each other, get married, raise two kids and live happily ever after? I am in one of those days that I can't understand myself why I am so sad. But if I would look around me, I am in a place that I should be thankful for, and that should be enough for me not to be sad. This feeling of discontentment is such a morning wrecker. But I can't stop myself from feeling it. I just gotta let it flow.  It had been awhile that I had sobbed and cried because of longing for someone I cannot be with. I don't even know why it keeps happening to me. Despite all the good things that come my way, why cant this someone be good as well? Why does the balance have to be in this side of my life?  ********* My Ted Mosby, if you have foun...

I am already feeling that now. That should you not have anything "feel good" or "happy" or "one-of-a-kind" experience that would make people be in awe about how awesome your life is, then, just don't share it.  That immense craving to be noticed and liked and applauded. But I still want to write and share about the darkness of my thoughts, the heaviness in my heart and all that emo-shits that could run in my head.  So, I write it here.  Over time, I will go back to this page,.. Cringing on all of this, but also patting myself on the back that I am able to bravely open up and share my version of my thoughts and cringe further on all the grammatical errors I had made on it.  Tomorrow, we will wake up early and do something amazing with this life that I have. 

 Hello Self,  Good morning. You have deactivated your IG and I know that you miss it so bad. So bad that you would want to go back and start sharing your life stories again.  But know that you have made the right decision to step and away from that platform for your own good. Well, you still have slips of thought every now and then, you are doing well on your second day of not being there. Our first goal before was 60 days. You didn't get to do it coz on the end of the 6th week you logged back in with the excuse of helping out your NGO baby school which we both know you still have fallen short but know that every time you share a thought for that school had been very significant.  For now, as you take baby steps to write your thesis proposal, you are doing the right thing of getting up in the morning and reading and reading. Still unorganized, but over time, you are going to find your direction. For now, it may look like a lost cause that you may just want to decide ...

 What can I do when someone just occupies my mind 24/7 though I don't know if that person feels that same for me? It is so uncomfortable and I lost so much focus, I am restless, I am not doing an effecient job. I wake up in the middle of the night and I want all these feelings to stop!  It had been happening for quite awhile now and there are days that I am fine with it, there are days like that I just can't seem to do anything else but that and I can't focus on anything else.  I am sorry self. I know you dont deserve this kind of feelings. As I move back to the study mode, things will be a little bit better and you will forget about that person in no time.  So help me, God. 

  This had been my back since it had healed from sunburn a few days back 😂. Summer of 2021, you have been a hellalots of fun! 

 I wish to have a Ted Mosby in my life.  Not that I wanna be the mother.  Okay, I take that back. It would be an honor to be the mother that TM had loved and reared children with. I just don't wanna die without living my life to the fullest with my Ted Mosby and my children. I want a lifetime of celebration of life, love and gratefulness for small and big things.  I am feeling that feeling of being sad again for no reason and for wanting to cling to someone for support and that frustration that I dont have that someone to turn to.  I'm 35 and thriving on my own.  to the tm of my life...  I hope you find me. I probably wont be using a yellow umbrella though. But for sure, you'll know that its me. I hope we cross paths and never let go, soon.  -the future mother of your kids. 

I was already awake when family called me this morning. I was on that bad habit of reading early in the morning but of course, I had to answer the family. That was around quarter to 7am. Come 9AM, I was still in bed... Reading. Then come this chat message from Kuya. He said he is feeling better and getting ready for chemo. It made my heart jump and utter as many thanks to the Lord. Then more talk with my cousin from OZ and I decided to get up and go on with life.  I took a shower. Cleaned up a bit. Logged in for the Sunday Service.  Well, I actually left the house a total mess as I decided to do the Zoom call in a Starbucks for more stable internet connection. It was nice. I saw a few people I know by face but I wasnt able to have chitchat with coz I was busy and I was happy to be busy and no need to talk to these people at all. LOL.  Forever grateful to that forum group that had been able to take time to talk to them.  Then another Google Meet sesh which I am still ...

There are times that I wish things were different, that I am a different person. That I am holding a different passport, that of with lesser restrictions, vast privileges and just more opportunities just because... I am that person.  But after a few deep breathes, I slowly accept the truth that I am in at the moment and how I have been obviously thriving as an individual and a member of the community--family, career, finances, service. Or so I hope I am contributing well.  I am at that time of the month when I wish I am a plant. But I actually have no idea what kind of pains the plants have to go through as they go through the process of growth. So, I probably am still at a good palce of being me and where I am at the moment.  I probably am just needing some warm hugs at the moment, or a big bucket of ice cream?

Morning went fine until I got a message from my sister saying that an aunt passed away just today. I don't have grown up memories with her but I knew that during my formative years, my family spent a very good amount of time with her and her family as well. My mama and her grew up together and my papa seem to be also close to her. We don't know the full details yet as for sure the immediate family is trying to still figure out what just happened and everything else that goes with it. She has an only daughter that is presently living in Australia and would be needing a special permit to be able to go out of the country to attend to her funeral. It usually takes a month for those kind of permits to process. What are the chances.  I dont know how to feel. It completely breaks my heart. Not for myself but for these people whom I know are hurting more than I can feel and I can't do anything else.  I also tried to make a conversation with my youngest sister about how she is feeli...