Life of a Kat

 I was hoping to pull an all nighter tonight for my RopeFlow paperwork but the internet isn't coping with me. So I might just go to the co-working space to work on this tonight? Or maybe not. I will definitely just be early tomorrow morning. HAHAHAHA.  I am already on a bra-less, ready-for-bed mood and, though I still need to dry my hair and put the night rituals on to me. I could still go, but I would rather now. Taking in Friday as a work day for other paper work. Will do Boat Canva post instead before going to bed.  Before I had gone cold turkey on IG, I had the chance to ask for my TeamLab Planets pictures from D and I honestly did shed some tears seeing them. I just couldn't believe that I was there with him. It was such a happy day to remember that it made me cry remembering and reminiscing, how painful is that.  Tomorrow is another long drive to Kagoshima and looking forward to getting things done and moving on to goals.  I am still praying for D, more th...

I decided not to send D a birthday card. I think it is too much to ask knowing that we aren't even at a talking stage at this point. As much as I know that I deserve his kindness and gentleness, I also deserve someone who is willing to step up and speak up if he really likes me. It can't be me chasing after him or asking for favors I don't think he even would consider to do.  I know I have so much to offer in a relationship despite my anxiety and intense overthinking skills. I just know that. But I cannot insist it to someone who wouldn't appreciate it not would make a good growth with me. Every person deserves to be with someone who would make them feel loved and would grow in to a better person for others.  D and I deserve that kind of love. Who knows whom we'll get it from?  It is just 4pm as I write this and probably tonight I would be so exhausted to work on journal and right now seems just perfect as I sit on the mighty throne of the toilet.  It is just Wednes...

I started answering my Written Exam for the Rope Flow Specialization Course and on the second question, I thought I had it answered only to realize that it was a totally different kind of instructional answer for another drill. I had to erase and start all over again, LOL. I was just happy to be able to drill today even just for an hour. As long as I keep drilling even for just short bits, I think I can learn combo moves and smoothen those basic moves that I am having a hard time with.  I miss D, but I also don't wanna be such an annoying person to him. I don't know what's going on inside his head and since he hasn't reached out to me since Tokyo trip, I don't know if I had failed the second chance of a date with him. But looks like I did. We haven't talked much since then.  I am thinking of sending him a birthday card, but I don't know if he would even send me his address if I asked. Maybe I should ask first, right? Then, the chain of rejection will just co...

​ I woke up late today. With a very gray sky and I thought it will rain the whole morning and would be missing the morning walk under the blooms. But Tita G and I tried our luck and we were able to still experience it all in its glory and charm.  Afternoon driving phone patch convo with DB made me realize that I may look like I am good at being single, but, really I am not.  I had been wishing for the one to come, I keep saying I am sad, when things around me are just a lot of things to be grateful for. I keep wishing for things that aren't with me, when I have all the good things and people I need at the this time.  I keep wishing for D to notice that I want something deeper, not even considering that he might also be having inner battles and struggles that he had to go through either, aware or unaware.  People around me are so much caring and hopeful that someday, the right person will come and for now, I just gotta stick to the unfinished goals.  Hmmm... D ha...

 I am loving vino blanco every night. Chilled or room temp, I think I have found my poison.  French white wine to be particular.  Today is Hanami Festival all over Japan. Cherry blossoms are every where and it is such a sight to behold.  I wasn't planning on going anywhere except the salon for my not-so frequent pampering moment, but decided to do it today. But the waiting time was quite long and so I decided to just go and ask Tita G if we can go for hanami at a closeby park and I am glad we did, it was quick and just quite relaxed. No make up, not dressed up and on my workout clothes. LOL.  Signs of age-ing I suppose? Overtime, you just learn to choose comfort over fancy, the simple over the grand and the real over the fantasies. I was still able to get on with my hair salon trip and now I am having a coppertone, wavy hair and as it gets longer, the waves will be bigger and I love it better when its a bit just like that.  Today, morning therapy session fo...

​So tired today and still managed to pop into the Alumni zoom meeting after work on my way home from work and then more chatting with siblings while having dinner.  I wish I could talk more to D but it seems that we are back to that distant selves again. I wish to talk about his day, his Tokyo trip after I had left. It's all but a wish. But at some point, I'm glad we are still in touch.  I threw away rims of printed paper and allowing for more functional space in my place.  Next, I need to do an inventory of the books I want to sell. 

 It is our Lola Susa's birthday today. She would have been 92.  It had been quite a busy day. And also, I got a warning on my car for parking at 711 for more than 3 hours. I am so ashamed. LOL.  Even after a long day, I thought I'll do the recording to have a song posted for Lola's birthday today, and I'm happy we did.  Anxiety had been hitting me so hard since I got back from Tokyo and I am doing the best I can to battle it out and be functional and productive and remain hopeful that things and people are meant to be at the right time and place.  Morning meeting cancelled tomorrow so I will have time to do cleaning and throwing away stuff and making space for things that are important and hopefully aid in clarity of mind and ease of movement in the space I have.  Thank you for Lord, for today.  The mundane, the quiet, the routine, the hope. 

​How exciting the boredom of the day it had been.  Prepped a decent breakfast out of dinner left overs and had the same for lunch as well.  I am torn between waking up early and heading for a carwash straight to work meeting or just do carwash on another day. But I dont know.  I know that I am gonna wake up to a messy dining space coz I haven't put away the gadgets and tools from recording. Haha Today had been calm and I couldn't be more grateful for the calm despite the anxieties that run in my head.  D also shared a few snaps of his remaining days in Tokyo and as much as I wish I were with him, I also wish that I find peace in whatever we have going on. May I be brave to ask the tough question at the right time and may I be strong enough to handle the truth if it  will not be in my favor. But what if it turns out to be what I want to be? Who knows. In time, it will all fall into place. My life had been a witness of such moments. Landing a life with a lifetime ...

Still was a struggle to get back to the normal routines but it was good that I was able to cook and play the piano this morning.  I am at the verge of dropping the thesis goals and just work on other writing projects at the moment, learn other passive income sources and move forward.  I am also considering moving abroad already. But no concrete destination.  If D asks if I am willing to move to the middle of nowhere with him, I'd definitely take it.  ************** I have been pursuing almost all of my dreams and I just pray that someone would pursue me, in return. I don't wanna be chasing anybody. I also don't wanna be chased at all. I just wanna pursued and courted and be taken care of.  As mentioned by Jhe in our conversation last night, the right time will tell if its meant to be and why things were supposed to be that way.  ********** I don't even know why I am like this. Why am I feeling like this.  Early morning gig tomorrow and I should be goin...

​Onboard the plane back to Miyazaki with mix feelings and all.  The warm arms hugging me for the past two days had been a wonderful feeling. The laughter, walking down lanes and aisles and streets, holding hands. Hopping trains being grabbed to a certain direction coz the feeling of getting lost is real.  The good conversations, from conbini food to fancy restos, view from skyscrapers, I felt so well-taken care of.  It was quite a fancy Tokyo date and I am so grateful D made me experience it with him. I don't think it's time to ask any questions, it was just a time to loosen up and be with each other.  Now, flying back to routines and daily mundane tasks and hoping someday, I'll get to spend days and wake up to do mundane tasks knowing that at the end of the day. I'll be together with D or who knows who(?). But, I am honestly tired of starting all over again if this doesn't go well from here. 

 It is almost 1pm and no rope drills until Saturday, maybe.  Or maybe tonight, I would. At the park.  I booked a flight to Tokyo on a whim to spend time with D. Just a few days for me but he will be staying over the entire week to do tourist-y stuff in the bustling city of Tokyo.  I'm so excited that I had very shallow sleep last night and also there was a big earthquake, up north that people had bren checking on me late night as well.  Let's hope for the best in the coming days. 

 Back to work this week on a Tuesday til Saturday!  I have been crying in the car on my way to work and back home for some crazy shit things running inside my head. But I'm okay for now.  I had my ebook reader charged and I can read before sleeping.  I need to wake up early tomorrow get on with studying and then make my way out for archery and hopefully car wash. I know I said I planned to do the voice recordings tomorrow, but probably I will just practice outdoors but no recording would happen until further notice.  I haven't been playing the piano as well.  I feel like something heavy and deep and dark is buried in my chest and waking up and going on with the day just seems sad, lonely and no purpose at all. But I know inside me as well that I have dreams and goals that I have to work on.  I have been watching Kim's Convenience and it makes me miss home so much. Also, I wanna grow old with someone and be like Mr and Mrs Kim- funny, honest with each o...

 I'm so tired today. But it was all good. Back to wearing shorts and tshirts!  Workout in the morning and I failed to do archery coz I spent the time on the phone with my school director friend talking about failed dating experiences.  I am at the point on my dating life that I have learn to take actions and words on face value, yet still learning to lessen my expectations. She asked about my dating life at the moment, and I told her that I'm caught with wishful thinking. That I really cannot insist myself onto someone who doesn't really show interest on me on a deeper level kind of relationship. It hurts so much that I keep asking myself why I have to feel such kind of pain in me. And why do I have to meet that person and hope for intimacy but never really able to go deeper on it.  Anyway, went for a drive along the coastal lane, stopped for ice cream, was able to find the way to that buddhist temple I would see atop of the hill. Decided to go to the paragliding sit...

 How to describe today?  I got up for therapy session and today it was about observing self, with the analogy of the sky and the weather conditions.  My therapist wrapped up the session with reminding me of the doing the little things that lead to the dream. If I wanna put up my own school, maybe I should start with creating lesson plans. Or any of the small things that can be used with the time that I have right now.  Then, laundry and more laundry. And glad that I have folded the other clothes too. I was hoping I could do some voice warm up and recording today but I wasn't able to because I had promised to pick up my Filipino friends and accompany them buying their luggages because they will go home soon.  We ended having lunch at a buffet and I had my share of vegetable salad and meat for today.  Then I decided to take them to Aoshima Island to visit the shrine and be able to do some ropeflow by the beach as well.  Tomorrow, I'll go for an early arc...

 It is 3.11 today.  The anniversary of the Great Earthquake and Tsunami that wiped out the Tohoku region in 2011.  In 2011, I was already a working employee at JPMC, I had a boyfriend whom I thought I would marry and everything seem to be just fine. But just like the things after a great tragedy, things are never the same anymore. None of those I used to have are with me.  Triggered memories of the past while having day 2 of the period isn't good for me.  In the early afternoon, a great siren was heard all over the city to commemorate the fateful day.  I was kinda nervous about where the sound and why the sudden siren but then I realized it was for that.  I still haven't done any academic reading since Wednesday. As of today, I owe myself 120 pages of readings. I am aiming for 30 pages/day.  When All of Us are Dead streaming is over, I don't know how I could spend time with D anymore. Universe, can you help me? LOL.  Or just teach me learn to...

 I have decided to finally end my gym subscription. As to when I would go and sign up for yoga and surf club again, I haven't thought of it yet.  I woke up a bit late than usual and the morning was eaten up by all the usual chores and havent found time to do the academic readings I promised myself. Maybe I should just do it after work? What do you think? At least by then, I have the parking space free by the coworking space.  I need to get my ball rolling if I really want to have this degree.  Also I have been thinking of starting up something in the mornings just because I have time. Something that would still enable me to earn money and save money. Should I sign up for active trading? But I am thinking of something more entrepreneurial. Me being my own boss at that time and making sure that I have something going and making money.  Also, I think I need to prepare for a Burial Plan. It is something I haven't really thought of in the past just yet. So many thing...

The day went as usual.  I still didnt get to do a lot of stuff though. But it still is better than yesterday.  I had changed the bedsheets today. Did laundry.  Gone yoga first thing in the morning. Rehearsed Speechless though I never got to render the recording.  Went to work. I had been leaving my phone in the car everytime I am at work so I can have my separation with the gadget and it seems to be going well. I am more in the zone teaching and more calm.  One of my college bestfriends had been rushed to the hospital and I just got off the phone with R (the other college bestfriend) to get update about his situation.  He is waiting for surgery schedule to remove galstones. Then conversation went on and on and not its time for bed. I hope I can still a few good pages of the book I am currently on. It was a good night to catch up. Lovin' Discord for that. 

​My first major break down aka anxiety attack is on my mom's birthday and International Women's Day of 2022 which is today.  I just feel so overwhelmed.  But I was able to accomplish before noontime.  Settle deliveries.  Practice piano.  Read 7 pages of a 60-page Rapid Evidende-Based Assessment Review. I am now on 29/60.  Give out the Roller blades as promised.  Order lunch for Mama's bday.  Practice Cheetah's tail.  Lunch at the park.  Then, I wish I just wanna sleep and be just in a quiet place.  Despite this feeling, I would like to think that I am flourishing as a person. In many aspects. I don't really empty. Just lonely at the moment. I don't even know where and why this is happening.  That crunching feeling in the chest, that the only way to keep it calm is to cry. And cry more.  Tonight, I'll just keep it calm, quiet and maybe with bedtime yoga and breathing exercise, I'll feel better. 

 It's Mama's birthday today <3  Also, it is International Women's Day.  And I just ended the morning with series of phone calls and felt like I am drunk-dialling and dialled D on IG! I really should just work on my desktop apps when contacting people for work instead of using a smartphone. LOL. I get distracted so easily.  But if I will take note of my day, I had been able to accomplish a few good things already. Well, except for the coffee cup I had to leave on the sink because I gotta leave to "work".  Also, my microbladed eyebrows are on its day 3 and still look so bad. LOL. In time, it will get better. Just gotta wait for it to heal and then look real.  7 pages read on a 60-page research paper... short yet I learned a lot. On to more! Tomorrow again. 

​Happy Anniversary to me and Blue!  A year of driving the badass blue Aqua and it had taken me to places and spaces.  I wanted to write more but I am a bit sleepy now. Haha  No Zombie streaming coz I got home late from Kagoshima and D is out playing Dungeons and Dragons with friends. I really thought it was a gameboy game and then I realized that it was of the most common game boards of all time. I was trying to recall the characters and then I realized I was wrong and boy, I would have cringed if I hAd said it in front of D! Then, I decided to check google for it and yes, its a board game with this special kinda of dice. 

I got up early today.  My constipation is slowly going away, but I still feel a bit bloated.  I was able to do serious drills today but not really much improvement in terms of speed and transitions but still feels good.  I dont even know why I got those rose-flavored ice cream when I knew how they would taste, still good. It was nice to roam around the garden for free today! I can't wait to see the flowers in bloom and the whole place will be colorful and bright.  Working on being more decisive lately. To do or not to do things and those kinds of things.  And I should have been finishing this post by now and going to bed. I am thinking of having microblading on my eyebrow and diamond peel on my face tomorrow. It has been awhile that I had some skin care lovin' moments and first time to try microblading and I hope it will be all worth it :D  Bedtime it is! 

 Writing today coz I got the chance to!  Today there was nothing out of the ordinary. I thought I would be able to drive early to work today but the morning had been filled with just a lot of mundane tasks and a lot of fiddling on the phone again. Ugh.  Stuck at acknowledging that I am hooked to the social media and really need to be more firm with actions on how to untie myself with the thing and those people I thought are in it. Who for most part of the day are probably just living their lives and had not thought of me.  I am still constipated but a lot better now than I were last Tuesday. That feeling was out of this world for me. I realized that my heartburns had been really frequent lately and I was just ignoring it and now, it has started to take its toll on my body. I really need to take in more fluids, water and get back on those veggies again and again.  Oh well, I guess I have hyperindividualized eventhough I really didn't want to.  I have resumed...

Today I drove back home from work with very severe pelvic and lower back pains. And D was the recently opened person I can call to distract me while I drive, luckily he picked up and so I got home in one piece.  Tomorrow, I am going to start with a new routine to get me back to grad school and pick up on the morning drills with the rope as well.  I would either just do rope drills tomorrow, or I will get started with a new research brainstorming ideas for a new research topic.  First things first, I would need to get up very early tomorrow :D Hopefully, early bedrest should help me recover with my back and pelvic pains right now.  The tensed feeling while driving yesterday and the early morning drive back here really stressed me out.  But thank God I got there safe and came home safe this morning as well.