Life of a Kat

I don't want to let the last day of 2020 pass by without writing anything. It is a tradition and will always be good to go down the memory lane for the past 365 days to see what had happened. Let's make a list of all the good and the bads that had been or maybe a resolutions list?  Random thoughts, here we go... 2020... 1. ... It surprised me and it crushed me at the same time. Well, it happens every year, but I think this year things had been more visible in terms of knowing that there are other people suffering the same issues.  2. ... The gym and working-out had been a great escape and means to keep my physical health and mental health in check.  3. ... I stalled with the academic writing but that is okay. I just realized that one of my friends took 3 years to complete his thesis.  4. ... The only race I have to keep up is the goal I had set for myself and my only enemy is my laziness at times.  5. ... Getting that foreign driver's license was a major achieve...

It is a rainy day as I prepare myself for a 4-hr trip to meet friends in the next city. We will be spending Christmas eve together on an Airbnb rented apartment. We were all not able to go back to the Philippines as this pandemic is still on its heights of slaying health, economy and sanity all over the world.  2020 is a year not once had I got to hug my family, pet our dogs and come home to our little dilapidated kubo and muse on the thoughts that we still don't have a nice house. That it makes me feel a bit of a failure that we haven't started on the house to think that my first goal of working abroad is for that.  2020 is the year that I got to say a lot of I love you's to my mom and dad every time we had to end a video chat. It is the year that I get to catch many jokes and stories with my parents on our almost-daily virtual chats. It is the year that I was able to handle difficult conversations with my younger siblings over finances, emotions and leadership.  2020 is...

It had been four days past Papa's birthday and I just had the chance to write this now while onboard a bus for a 4-hr journey to meet friends in Fukuoka City.  A lot of things to say about my father lingers in my head.  Papa had been a lot of things and all of them had just been pure bliss and love for a daughter like me.  As the first man who have loved me and had taken care of me since birth, he is patient, truthful and prayerful for me. He may have his own plans for me but he had never hindered my personal plans, instead, supported my dreams in ways he can.  His jokes and that of Mama's combined maybe a bit heavy to take in because they both have this skill in subtlety in expressing sarcasm and hard truths.  Papa had evolved from a strict father to that friend who knows how to annoy and give the support when needed. He has this secret power of being able to pull strings, come up with funds when needed and that element of surprising--- something I don't think ...

Violating my own bedtime rules as I work on this blog post. I just feel like that I have to have this written down as soon as I can because it's a good reminder of how to look at things and events.  First, it was a Sunday and I had to go to work. It was 5-straight classes day that I had to go cover on and get done. On top of that, I had to hail a cab go get me to the next town where I could get a train that would then take me to the city where I live. My classes ended at 20:30, the train was at 21:50. I arrived home around 23:00. The distance was more or less 30kms from my home to the school.  If I drove home, I would have been home before 22:00.  As I got off the cab to the station, I realized that I still have around 15 mins to kill and instead of sitting down next to the noisy boys at the waiting lounge, I opted to walk my way to the platform though it was cold and just everything uncomfortable. As I walk my way down the stairs, I saw this fluffy cat of gray and white ...

I am trying to make it feel a bit like Christmas. This year will be different. No scheduled flight back home. No exciting meeting with family and friends. No crispy pata, inihaw na bangus and tilapia, puto't dinuguan, kare-kare, tinola, papaitan, manggang hilaw, and more inihaw na bangus. Also, no more hiding from inaanaks coz I am literally miles away🤣. I can't even really think that I had ever been a good godmother to those kids. If having to give gifts on birthdays and holidays are the standards, then, I have never been one 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe I am better off as a tita😜.  Christmas has evolved into a simple story of a couple who found a manger where the Saviour was born to lucrative business opportunities and sheer excuses to be kind and giving and for asking for things that we think we deserve.  I have grown up to know Christmas as a celebration of birth of Jesus Christ as a symbol of hope and redemption for a sinner like me. I am keeping it as it is. Also, it is for wishing....

I'm enjoying this dictation option it makes my life easier. Today is Thanksgiving day and I know I'm not American but since I've worked for an American company for quite a while it's just embodied to me and for some reason I think it's also the reason why I like Thursday as it is this is so full of gratefulness enjoy for the day I guess so.  I can get used to this I just now read about my day and then it's written down by somebody else or by a computer anyway so this morning I woke up at around 730 but I didn't wake up I didn't get up until eight thirtyish. I was able to make a decent breakfast ofEggs sunny side up, bacon and sky flake crackers. I made an early trip to the City Hall for some government papers course had to talk to Jerlyn about some things. After that I made my way to pick up donations from the center.This is where the gratefulness come in, the center offered to extend their help as a drop off center for donations until January 31 next ye...

As of today I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter account and kept my Instagram but I just really want to be out of the loop but it's honestly very hard so hopefully keeping this blog active and this dictation option available would keep me from scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. Today I kept thinking about about someone I care about lately I wanted to send him a message but I didn't really send one until until I decided to give up on my online banking registration dreams and decided to sleep on it and wake up early tomorrow and go to different offices to assist me in setting it up crazy I know but I think we're on a good start hopefully hi anxiety has been attacking me so so so so bad and I don't know tomorrow. So it's 1 o'clock in the morning in before I go to bed I usually plan my day for the next day so tomorrow I will wake up early work on emails forTeacher trainings make my way to the City Hall by bike maybe but I don't really like it...

I told myself I will finish 7 of 7 transcripts to record but I was only able to record 2. I told myself I will send a detailed email but I was only able to send one about rescheduling. I told myself I will write one module but I only got to its title.  It is past bedtime, midnight and just about to call it a day. I have been chasing time, energy and focus for the past months, weeks and days. I've started  on a few things and can't seem to find consitency to continue on many of them and everytime I am about to give up, I tell myself to be patient and to try to do as much as I energy can make me do: a page, a line, a trim, a turn. The smallest effort to make it feel I have moved forward. Then, when I wake tomorrow, I will pick up where I left off. Maybe excited? Exhausted? I dunno yet. The goal remains the same: to finish what I have started, to pick up where I left off.

Me: Ang laki ng mga pangarap natin madam!  Her: Kailangan meeym para lumaki rin yung sa kanila.  I've never forgotten this and part of a recent conversation with my School Director friend as we coordinate about my practicum goals to be matched with the training needs of the new teachers in our NGO School. But here I am, lingering on this thought yet procrastinating on the tasks that needs to be done. I haven't even sent an email of apology for missing the schedules and the training modules that they are supposed to be working on at the moment. Hayst.  Right after this, I am going to get back to where I left off in the preparations and deadlines.  Big dreams coming into reality is a collection of minute actions built in consistency, patience and persistence.  You got this, Kat. 

Walking under the drizzling night sky as I recall the week that had been.  Totally different from how my usual week would have gone by and I am thankful that I am slowly getting things done. Working on big goals for the past few days and I just feel drained.  As I walk my way back, I had my mini-breakdown moment. It felt better that I could cry, but I also wish that I have somebody to talk to at the moment, but I would rather just keep it as it is. The others just have a lot on their own right now.  I can wish for many things and a person and know that none of them could be granted.  I can always breakdown and cry. There is that 24-hour cycle and then come back functional again the next day. 

 My daily bedtime is at usually at half past midnight and wake up alarm is at half past seven in the morning. That was the usual. If not from a call from a friend from the other side of the world for early morning sessions of school modules for our NGO school in PH, my alarm of humming and chirping birds would slowly wake me up. That was the usual case today. I don't really hit the snooze, I just click on the stop alarm option and would wait for a few minutes then wake up. But today, for some reasons, I overslept and noticed that it was already 9AM!  By 9AM, I should have been done with my laundry, getting ready for the gym and probably have touched on a few stuff for the training modules.  But at 9AM, I was just getting up, straight to brewing coffee and for a change, I sauteed the leftover veggies I got. I also spared some for my dinner bento. I keep reminding myself to be more aware in spending money, avoiding bento lunches whenever I can just go and have kitchen-dashe...

I wasn't as productive as I aim to be. I wanted to start working on the modules for the teacher training but I can't seem to find the organization in my head to work on it. But I did finish editing the podcast episode that was supposed to have been for last Sunday but since I was so out of rhythm, I had to delay the process. Getting back on track whenever I lose my way is such a daunting task to do. But fulfilling, nonetheless. I will keep losing my way yet, I will keep struggling to find my way back. Coz that's how it is meant to be. 

I realized that since my room got darker when my landlord put up the protection boards, my energy had been so low as well. Though I managed to accomplish a few things, it was noticeable that the gloom of the room is taking its toll on me.  Yesterday, he removed the boards before I left for my driving lesson and the room lit up and felt lighter too. It was also nice to wake up to a bright view. The rays of the sun slashing in the curtains were also good for some photo ops.  The season has gone colder and my skin is having its  cold season issues, too. That's for another day's complaining. Haha.  For now, it is good to finally feel that I am getting things done. 

 I have been complaining non-stop for the past few days.  I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm busy. I lack time. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm busy. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm busy. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm busy. I just wanna be a sushi.  I just wanna wrap myself up in my comforter, rolled in it and then I have an excuse as to not do anything because I am wrapped up, literally.  But I just gotta keep going. I promised myself I will keep going and it will happen.  It should happen. This little acts and tasks and accomplishments will pay off, it should pay off, in one form or another.  I could use a hug. Tons and frequent. 

It will definitely take a lot of effort, funding, time and lots of self doubt if I can acquire this skill, but I will definitely put my money in here. For myself. For my future. It would take time and money but definitely not forever.  Excited to document on my learning-how-to-drive journey in Japan. 

I was so hungry after 4 straight classes today and was thinking of getting ramen but I don't wanna spend. Plus I have a lot deliverables to work on. And I mean it.... A LOT.  As soon as I stepped at my house, washed my hands, put the pan into the stove, grabbed the bottle of the remaining spanish sardines, mushrooms and some onions.. sauteed them in another pan while boiling water for pasta. Thought of making a vodka-based cocktail but I realized that I still have some umeshu...  My bare face and tired self would like to send its Cheers! For a Friday night filled with things to accomplish :) 

Was out late in the morning but nothing to be in a rush so I took my time and slept in a bit more. Also, getting used to not putting any make up at all. 🤪 No need to be pretty for anybody, anyway.  Had a chance to hit the gym with the goal of being back home at 12noon. I did almost 12noon. Lol.  This is my work face. 

This was me last Saturday as I wait for my train back to Miyazaki City. 

This Longchamp x Bulova watch is my favorite watch. I bought for 3,600 yen at Mercari Japan and I love it eversince. 

I'm workingg in another city and found this neat, little gym called Excel Gym. I had found great stress release in working out and would do it whenever I can. It would be nice if the hotel where they put me here would have but it doesn't have one. And though this is a 30-something minute walk if not an 8-minute bus ride, I would still take it. Next week would prolly be different. I will explore this town :) 

I saw my friend's profile of this type of drawing and I asked if I can have one made for myself. I was okay to pay but the artist said it is free! Yay! 

Distance learning is not an option anymore. Hindi sya madali lalo at nakakaintindi ka na kasi hahanap at hahanap ka ng dahilan para hindi mo matapos ang modules. Lahat na ng alibi, excuse, kwentong katamaran, lalabas at idadahilan. Pati yung maingay na karaoke ng kapitbahay mo, idadahilan mo. Napaka-boring umupo sa isang tabi at magnilay-nilay sa mga salitang nakasulat sa module. Sobrang nakakabagot, pero sa pinaka-nakakabagot na oras na yun, andun ang pagkatuto. Piliin mong maging kakampi mo ang sarili mo. Bigyan mo ng pagkakataon ang sarili mong mabagot kung andun ang pagkatuto. Inilahad na sayo ang karapatan mo sa edukasyon, obligasyon mo naman ang matuto.

It is one of those days. I am trying to put it into words.  The feelings of frustrations, of holding back, or pushing people away, or seclusion of just wanting to get away from everything.  One day, I am celebrating self-love, the next day I am grieving on my incapacity to continue academic tasks, of being needy, helpless and loneliness.  I am tired inwardly. My shoulders are heavy, my head is light and a bit dizzy.  Gulping down on a small box of milk, hopefully that would put me to sleep. 

Ayun oh! For the love and hate of rice and everything yummy minus the topak days.  Cheers to size S or M and feeling better about myself. My muscles are sore yet happy. 

Uninstalled my instagram for awhile but did 2 updates in Twitter today. Lol. But since I really dont like that platform, I am hoping it can be a strategy for me to disconnect myself from social media. I am planning to disable my eph-bi page soon too! Prolly tomorrow.  Hmmm. I am planning to check out this highly-recommended gym from where I work this week and then, work on my other tasks right after. Then on Thursday onwards, I'll go and explore the nearly by places.  I look forward to days and end of days that I will go home to someone, share meals and stories and have mind-blowing sex and repeat the cycle as I work on my ancestral purpose, my own dreams and fight my hormonal imbalances.  It will happen Kat. For now, limit your Smirnoff intake to two bottles. 

I haven't been putting make up for the past weeks. I just don't feel like doing it. I don't know why. 

Bebang: Uy, naka-jumper sya today.  Me: Katamad kasi magplantsa ng damit. 🤪 Papa: Ano yan? Naka-uniform ka ng pang elementary?!  Me: Walang uniform dito, pa.  Papa: Ang liit mo pa naman. Mukha lang grade 3.  Me: Pa, ako yung teacher. Pasok na ko.  Early morning pang-asar brought by my own father. Hayst. While he hrags about his mini garden of garlic. 

I painted my nails black and felt like wearing a ring I bought at a thrift shop. While checking attendance, a kid asked in  Japanese.. " Are you married?" , I chuckingly answered, "No but why do you ask?" ... " Coz you got a ring on your finger."  she said. "oh no. I bought it." I said. " Your watch too? Your earrings too?" And I just said "Yes." to all the questions.  I wish I can say more.  I miss innocent conversations.  I miss being around kids.  I wish I can also tell her that, as much as I don't know if I will ever get married in this lifetime, deep inside of me, I am wishing for it. A marriage like that of my parents and if he doesnt come any sooner, fine by me. I just gotta by myself my own ring.  It will definitely be an expensive one next time :)  Something to consider for keeps. Because that's what I have been honing myself into...  Someone for keeps. 🥰

Final quarter for 2020! And I suddenly started crying as I realized it.  I've been fighting back the tears as much as I can whenever I feel like just crying... feeling frustrated about everything that is going on ... in my life, the world and the people I care about.  I started a podcast channel with my friends as my first guests. I am so grateful that most of them had already said Yes to the invitation and we just have to get started with the outline, orient them with the flow and the editing is the most tedious and boring one. No wonder this job pays so much and not a lot of people would like to have it as a job.  I started watching How I Met Your Mother. I finished Season 1 after a week! LOL. Season 2 is by far better. The Sunday Pancakes just reminds me of myself. I just love making pancakes on the weekends and wouldnt it be nice to have a partner to share it with too.  I want a guy like Ted Mosby, but I dont think a guy like Ted Mosby would like me. And my guy f...

 I should just rename this blog as:  Brain Farts at the Time of Regla.

I went to bed around 8pm with my e-book on my chest as I tried to keep my eyes open reading the pages of my current-read. Honestly, every scene is a page-turner, but my droopy eyes is such a party-pooper that I decided to just go to sleep. Here I am now, at 3am, just finished a glass of warm milk and struggling to go back to sleep then... why not write something instead and so here it is.  I imagine mysef waking up in the middle of the night looking for that warm embrace and as I face the other side of the bed, I find it and clung to it then I go back to sleep. For now, I face the other side and clung to my huggable Pooh.  I have been pouring mysef into a lot of tasks and to do lists but everytime, I would stop in the midde of it all and think, will I ever end the day looking forward to being reunited with my significant other to share dinner, shower together and sleep entangled in each other's arms?  Then, upon noticing that my thoughts are drifting away, I force myself ...

Second day in Shibushi and I already miss my own bed. Though here, I am sleeping in a hotel bed, someone gets to clean my room and I just have to go to the restaurant and somebody will hand me a tray of a Japanese style breakfast.  I took an early morning walk with my toy drone and reached the closest park in the area. Since no one was there, I was able to freely fly my toy and did editing while I was eating breakfast. Not a good edit at all, but who cares?!  Work had been as usual. I tried not to take in coffee in the afternoon, but it just didn’t work out that way. I still made my way downstairs and grabbed a cup of café latte before 5pm and I survived the 3-hour work. LOL. Hallelujiah.  For dinner, I decided to just get something from Hotto Motto which I actually didn’t get to finish. Will probably sleep after this and a few pages of my current read.  I miss Miyazaki.  For me, it has that balance of rush and calm. Shibushi for a week, every month would probab...

On Friday, two packages arrived from the PH.  One from my family, the other one from a purchase I had made from Cebu City.  On my way to the gym, I received a message from one of the many people I look up to and an indirect mentor I had, suddenly got in touch by an hour-long phone call and even told me that I should reach out to her also as a friend.  One big event is coming and that I facilitated in Thailand in 2018 is still a big hit for discussions-- which is all I wanted to happen. I want people to realize how their ESL teaching is affecting the students and community: Is it empowering them? or oppressing others?  Her referral to me to different communities of learning had been so much fun and insightful. So definitely, I am so excited for the days ahead of me.  A typhoon is coming. A Super Typhoon is expected so all warning signs and protocols are put in place and are rolling in and out of media for information dissemination.  Although there are times ...

 366 QOTD  What are you questioning?  The inequality in opportunities.  I was sitting beside this person and out of the blue he asked me, if I had ever travelled outside Asia. I said no, I want to but I still need to provide show money, a bank certificate with enough funds to show that I can provide for my travel, so they can provide me with visa. But as for him, he just grabs his passport, book a flight almost anywhere in the world and he is off to somewhere already.  Why is that?  ***************** Every time I would sit next to this person, I would always internally just envy him that opportunities for him seem pretty easy to come across. But that is something I had just assumed, for sure he has inner battles, doubts and challenges to overcome as well. We all do. Nonetheless, for what it's worth, I am grateful to know this person in my life. The energy, the vibe, the love for adventure, the choice of a healthy lifestyle, quite a good partner to run into,...

366 QOTD  How much is a gallon of milk?   I don't buy a gallon of milk but I get a liter of milk every week. Coz for most nights, I sleep better when I drink milk.  But tonight, I think I full enough with a good dinner I hurriedly whipped into my kitchen as soon as I arrived: fried chicken lungs, natto with kimchi and rice.  ********************* Today is the last day of August and a Monday and I would like to declare that I have tried my best to be able to accomplish as much as I can. I have submitted a half-baked output just for the sake of completing the requirement halfway and be able to get started with the research proposal. I hope I could give it justice this time.  I flew my quadcaptor drone this morning before I went to the gym and it was so much fun!  I just hope I can do it often but I know that it isn't possible that way. So far, this is the toy that really excited me!  September tomorrow!  > Resuming with my Python learning th...

 366 QOTD  Did you pay it forward?  I am not sure if I have been making acts of paying forward at all. Recently, requests to my family back home were more of for my personal needs and convenience. I haven't even been putting efforts in filling in the balikbayan box so it can be sent home for them to open up and hopefully they will be happy to receive.  ****** I haven't gotten much sleep last night because of the lightning and thunderstorms that woke me up in the middle of the night. I crept under the sheets but the light streaks still got through the cracks between the blanket and the bed. Then, I still woke up at the usual 6:30, tried to go back to sleep and I gave up on myself and just did a rocket launch to get up and do the morning deeds- folding clothes, brewing coffee, going to the bank, checking on the to do list and updating the calendar for next month's schedule. An email blast from graduate school was sent yesterday stating that if ever we can complete requ...

366 QOTD  What did you win?  I won over laziness this morning and I can still feel the burning feeling in my biceps and triceps after I decided to go against my inner self whispering me not to go to the gym this morning.   ************************* It's past 12midnight again. I arrived home from work just right in the clock stroke midnight.  As soon as I came in, I stripped off my clothes, turned on the lights and the AC and hit the shower. I had a very calm time at work and it as I am still trying to navigate on every school's space and tools, I know that I would be like this.  My car license acquisition goal isn't working as desired and it may or may not be given to me at all. As much as I want to sulk and keep bothering people about it (I know I have bothered a lot already and so much already) I would rather hold my horses, after all, I am still here and able to do what I came here for: to work. Picking up the writing where I left off and slowly molding ...

 It is past 0:30 and I should be soundly sleeping by now but here I am, I got up, poured myself some milk and typing this thing.  There has been this topic I wanted to put up for a podcast but I am having doubts to get started with. As to why I am having doubts, I don't know. As usual, I am afraid to fail. I am scared. I don't think I have what it takes to do it. Most of all, I am lazy and I don't wanna get tired. LOL. But seriously, I just don't know how to start. When to start and who to start with.  I messaged a couple of groups that I know would be potential persons to interview or discuss these things about hoping that we can collaborate and have the ball rolling.  I hope, I pray and now, I wanna go back to sleep.  I have a very early phone call to answer about some purchase in Amazon for someone else tomorrow as well.  Also, I start work a bit early tomorrow too. I can't believe that this is the Mon-Fri workweek I am threading at the moment. Aside fro...

Taking deep breaths and fighting back the tears. It is just not working anymore. Grab a tissue, wipe the tears, type words again. Then and there, it just happens again and again.  No matter how I try to fight back against it... Anxiety gets me.  Yesterday, I woke up watching the sunrise. I took a dip in the salty water of the sea as the sun slowly makes it way up in the sky. In the afternoon, I had lunch with two of the few people I share my life with here in Miyazaki. We had a good lunch. Later that day, we had a spontaneous trip to the beach for another swim, this time, while watching the sun set on the west side. It was calming. There was a feeling of longing, of wishing that I could be sharing this special day with the most important people in my life.  This wasn't the kind of feeling I imagined this day would be like, of all days, why does it have to be this one. But that's it, anxiety just comes on moments that you least expect it to be. This morning, I did my laund...

It is like the world is on my shoulders.  I have been trying to fill it in with things that makes me feel productive and positive, still at the end of the day, it is exhausting.  If not for the workouts, I probably would have had more nervous breakdowns and anxiety attacks.  If not for the pressure of grad school, I probably would have been so lost in the scrolling of dating sites again and again. If not for prayers of family back home, I probably am continually a lost soul. For now, I am consciously trying to find my way into the light. If not for the people around me, I don't know what else to say.  This year's birthday is a test of resilience and a battle for survival.  It would have been a dream of driving a jetski or flying side-by-side with a pilot on a lightweight aircraft or a paraglide experience. Just none of them are possible at the moment. Still, being alive and healthy at this trying times is something to be grateful for already.  The opportuni...

A few minutes from now and I am ready to board the plane for a domestic flight:  Nagoya bound for Miyazaki After a 2-week intensive training for a new company I am gonna be working with moving forward, I am just so excited to go home. I miss my little apartment space, my bed and the peace in itself.  For the past two weeks I wasn't able to have any form of being alone to reflect on things, to meditate or to just be plain quiet. It had all been about learning new things, unlearning old stuff and re-learning some. I am very grateful for the past two weeks of something new despite the global pandemic that almost stop almost everything around the world, I got a new job that is pretty much stable and with consistent support in my chosen home in Japan.  I am going back with additional 9 kgs of luggage due to the non-stop shopping we had done on our free days. I would have bought more had I not remembered that I have a driving test to prepare and spend for when I get back. HAHA....

1. Antagal ko nang hindi to nagagawa... As in ang tagal-tagal na!  2. Andali ko na nga mapagod. Pero push lang.  3. Hind pa ko uma-absent sa 20-minute workout ko this week! Bukas ulit!  4. Excited na ko umuwi.  5. Bumili ako ng present for someone, pero hindi ko naman alam if ma-a-appreciate nya. Pero, will still give it to the person :)  6. Ang sarap maging invincible! Yung magsho-shopping ka na hindi na titingin sa presyo! LOL. 7. Patapos na yung training namin ng 2 weeks! Ang hirap lang pagcommute kasi nakaka-torete yung isiping may COVID na kalaban. huhubels. 8. Antok na ko. Bukas naman.  9. Sana sa airport, makapag-emote emote naman ako ng maayos.  10. Excited na ko sa bagong buhay ko with this new job! Makaka-focus na ako sa pag-aaral at sa pagtulong sa Espoir School of Life. 

It's a rainy Monday in Nagoya and after work I was off to meet D for our annual reunion.  As I walk my way out of the train station and on to the city pavements, the dark skies and tiny drizzles welcomed me. In my head, I really don't mind walking in the rain if it's like just like this. I wish commute and traffic is the same with Manila, probably I wouldn't have considered working abroad. Haha.  I had been on shopping spree. Legit shopping spree-- invincible and just wanting to get a hold of the things I wanted.  Three Longchamp Le Pliage Bags in one go, an Onitsuka Tiger shoes and today's latest purchase was the Airpods. I used to just dreams of buying these things for myself. Now, I can afford them.  I am wearing nice clothes, I can afford to eat at nice restaurants and all the other material things I am just so grateful to have.  I worked hard for each of them. That is probably one thing I can proudly say about every thing I have and I use. And yeah, maybe, I am...

I haven't opened my laptop for the longest time, until today. I felt like it had been a very long time!  I came to Nagoya on a Saturday and never had a chance to get a hold of this gadget until today, a Thursday! While trying to keep myself awake with a face mask. Training materials scattered all over the other table, Beyonce's If I Were Boy playing on my Spotify Acoustic Cover Playlist. Honestly, the past few days had been tiring. I am trying to  I'm writing as I just trying to reflect on the past few days that seem to have gone so slow. The days of training are becoming more intense and some people are on the verge of either quitting or being released.  The most challenging part for me probably is the commuting part. It would have been a general challenge but now, with the fear of catching COVID-19 in public places. Wearing double masks, preparing own food, showering day and night ( I like it!) and washing clothes every night too can't be missed as well.  What else...

366 QOTD How much is gasoline per gallon? I actually have no idea because I don't have a car yet.  Soon, I will have to know and have it as part of my budgetary allowances. WOOHOO! ********************* Nightly Reviews 13 July 2020 Quite a gloomy but humid af Monday.  We still need to do revisions for the proposal for "the school and the village" and hopefully, it will get well-integrated and we will have to budget for everything as soon as possible. Well, not me, but the community will have the budget to use.  It hasn't sunk in yet that I am leaving the school but I have been thinking of a narrative in my head about my 15 months in the school. It was full of gratitude, fun and a bit of a roller coaster of emotions. Too bad, that the roller coaster of emotions had to be the reason for my leaving, but it is what it is. 

366 QOTD  Name one thing that you need to toss, but just can't..... A bit private but there is this one baconized underwear I still like wearing for bedtime that should have been tossed years ago, but I just can't. LOL. ***************************** Night Reviews July 9, 2020 There seem to be a discrepancy on the review of my driver license application and I need to have it taken care of as soon as possible before I fly for a 2-week training. I can't really feel that I have my days filled until a conflict like this arises. As much as I wanted to have an early out of work sooner, I just can't. I don't wanna ask anymore flexibility as a form of favor in return for all their shortcomings to me as an employee.  I helped out in revising a proposal for "the school". Others would say it is a very boring thing to do, but I found it fun and challenging to balance sheets and type out the rationale for the project and the excitement to look forward to the day that it...

366 QOTD __ A funny thing happened on the way to ...... Not that I can point as significant for today. *************** Nightly Reviews 7.8.2020 Quite a slow daytime it had been. But the midnight going dawn was quite a challenge.  It is "tsuyu" season right now. A month late for its course, but still it has been raining incessantly and rivers were overflowing, and people were dying.  Last night was I think the toughest for me.  It is actually July 7th. It is supposed to be a night full of stars as legendary love story fulfill their wish of meeting again after a long time of separation as lovers. It was Tanabata no Hi. The stars showed for a few hours in the night, then clouds started to gather up and heavy rains and lighting and thunder storms ruled the night. I wasn't able to sleep. The only consolation I got for that night was that I wasn't alone. Everytime I would hear the thunder, I would tap my hand 5 times and try to breathe calmly. Until I fell asleep.  The str...

I don't know what to say.  As I go to bed tonight, I pray that I won't have nightmares.  My friend and school lead is relaying play-by-play the event on how the suicide event had happened in the community.  Shocked and scared. That is how I feel right now.  What more for the 9-year old who saw her big sister hanging in there, being rescued, wrapped in a blanket and then people in the community seeing the wretched face of the big sister being rushed to the hospital for revival but still it was a little too late for anything at that.  Her job is so tough and I can only do is listen to her and connect her to people who might be able to help. Tonight, I am so grateful to one of my co-alums for lending an ear and expertise on guidance and counseling to work on it.  Building a strong network is probably one strength I have. Good, kind, purposeful networks, that is the kind of network I want to keep expanding on.  Still, a thankful Monday. Thank you for stron...

I thought 2019 is my year of survival. It is extended til 2020 it seems.  I have officially decided my preschool teaching job and move to a more open, independent type of teaching job that promises to give me more time for myself in the morning and lesser unnecessary stress as long as I fulfill my job. It was calm, professional relay of information. Or so I thought. But I think, on my part, I have done my best to be not like them.  Still hoping that the second half of the year will be kinder not just to me but to the whole world.  I still in somewhat-floating-in-the-air-kind-of-self but I feel better now knowing that I have given myself a choice to let of things and people whom I thought I could collaborate with.  Still grateful for the experience. Now, I gotta get back to completing the things I promised I will finish.  As I have managed to practice quitting. It is always nice to have the habit of finishing. I don't know what I keep pushing for this MA degree, ...

366 QOTD  The last thing I bought myself was _____________. ... a recording microphone stand and a lyric stand :)  ********* I have decided to make a bold move and I am excited to see myself back into the kind of self that I am working on.  I have decided to make a full head on move about the critiquing of a research paper and submitting it for a due date and moving forward to my own first paper.  Talk about priorities. Selfish as it may seem, I ought to take care of myself first before anybody else. I do not allow anybody to make me feel so small and unworthy of anything. Not without my consent. It was quite a tough battle and though I probably haven't seen enough of it, I still don't think I am investing my time and energy on the right place and with the right people. Well, they probably are so lucky to have me.. LOL. But I am not sure if I can say the same for them given how I have been feeling right now. I am grateful that at the start they took confidence in wha...

I have reactivated my Facebook profile. I honestly miss being in there too. But I am back to too much scrolling again, so I probably may have to deactivate it again?  After school, I decided to go for a briskwalk by the riverside. On my way back, I wasn't able to start the tears from falling down.  In my head I was trying to point out what are the events that had been triggering this down feeling and I know in my head what those things are. I just do not have the courage to speak out my mind yet. Or I do not have the energy to do so.  I am happy with what I am doing. I don't wanna be here. I was happy. I don't wanna be here. Get me away from here. -- these are the lines that had been running in my head. I just gotta breathe and think but I can't do that while I am there.  After coming home, I took a shower and tried writing this down. More scrolls on Facebook and will be calling it a day with a book on one hand, in bed. It is a Thursday. Nothing goes wrong on a Thurs...

366 QOTD  What is your most prized possession? My family and friends? HAHA. I know they aren't possessions but they all mean so much to me.  If in terms of material possessions, I think it will be my laptop that means so much to me. It makes a lot of things possible for me to do from writing, to editing and working with other people from other parts of the globe.  ************ I have made up my mind and I don't think it will change at this point in time. The signals are slowly showing up itself. It is almost time. 

366 QOTD  What project are you working on? Myself-- a work in progress.  This afternoon I had a very nice conversation with one of the few people I can really open up with. We sat by a bench looking at the river and the setting of the sun. It was a very relaxing view while venting out my negativities. I know that she wanted to have a more relaxed time and I am thankful that she took time to listen to me.  Quitting on one and more bigger decisions thereafter. Hopefully, it all goes well.  All I wanted is to have my productive self back.  The Kat that gets to finish and accomplish and learn many things while doing things at the background.  The Kat that doesn't really have to equate her worth with the money that she gets. The Kat that acknowledges stress yet knows that it is gonna be all worth the effort.  The Kat that just keeps waking up every day loving, grateful and hopeful.  The Kat that has always been willing to open up to the world and not h...

While at the gym and pumping with sweat on the workout routine I am following, I have fully decided on quitting. Not on working out of course, but on the programming lessons that I am taking. I have always wanted to learn it but it seems that, learning it on my own isn't an ideal path to take at the moment. With pending writing projects at hand, it won't just work for me.  With quitting, there is also resuming. I am resuming my Japanese lessons and Piano lessons on Saturdays with the same teacher. I don't mind visiting her at her house after my volunteer jobs at the international foundation. Then, study time with my friend Riho until gets to move to Oita in September.  Hopefully, with this temporary quitting with learning of Python Programming, I will have no more guilty moments for not fulfilling my own schedules. Instead, I will have more exciting times to look forward to for more reading both fiction and non-fiction. My friends have been posting books they were reading a...

It is early morning in Japan and I am just waiting for the rice to cook and setting up on how to go about my day of being productive again.  For now, let me write something about my father.  I am just so grateful for him. Blessed to have them both as my parents. No matter how crazy things get into my head, thinking about them makes me calm and help me re-align my focus about life and faith.  My father is the kindest person that I know with the sharpest tongue that there is. Maybe because that is how it goes when one is used to speaking of the truth and nothing else.  He has obsessions about treasures and hidden goal for ever since I can remember but we had to just let it go because when he gets involved into something, he makes sure it is done. I have learned to accept the reality that though we are enough as his treasure, he just can't let go of quitting on this one.  We never are rich or gotten more than enough financially, but I don't really know how he and m...

At 16, I graduated high school and that was 17 years ago.  Out of the blue, Tita sent me a photo of me receiving medals during our High School Recognition Day. Two persons noticed that I wasn't happy on the picture. I kinda remembered that my high school graduation was some sort of dramatic actually in all forms.  Nevertheless, grateful for the experience. Moving to that little town of Tiwi and studying at the barangay high school of Malinao opened up a lot of opportunities for me-- learning many things about what I never thought I can do like writing and photography, scholarships, travels, contests, discoveries. Both my titas made it all happen. They were strict, yet generous for things that they think will help me learn then. My grandmother was stricter-- waking me up early-- letting me do the laundry as soon as sun is up.  During that time, I couldn't wait to get out of that house and just be free from their strict ways. But now that I am an adult, I realized that thos...

366 QOTD  What is the most important thing that you were told today?  "You are enough." ******************************

366 QOTD  Did you show someone appreciation today?  Not that as grand as that of posting it on social media. But I am really thankful that Rocky and friends let me join their usual weekend chill time.  We went to a nearby beach for a walk, then a good dine-in at a beach park and then chilled at this coffee shop in the city before going home.  It was so nice to have my feet soaked in seawater, letting the sound of the waves resonate calmness in me, and just taking a walk in the sand.  ************** I logged on to Bumble ( a dating app ) a few weeks back and it surprisingly gained me people I can talk to. Getting back to it this year just triggered the cycle and now I am on the verge of deciding to shut it down again. But this time, I am not. I am keeping it just right there. Not ever in my phone, but still accessible on laptop but with more steps to get into, making it as hard and tedious as it can. I have to really, really learn accepting the realities of this ...

366 QOTD  What is the last purchase you made? I bought sleeping pills in Amazon. 

Dear You,  It is 2020 and the whole world is taking a total change in everything. I wonder how you are coping up. I had stopped looking for you, but I had never ceased to expect for someone like you in some of the people I meet along the way. I think that's how desperate things are turning out for me nowadays? Or maybe this is one of those hormonal imbalances that I have no control of inside my body, my head in particular. Which makes me think, will you even accept me for this kind periodic neediness and clinginess that I have?  I wish I can tell you about this boy in school that really ticks me off every time. I just can't seem to like him just like the other kids. And it frustrates me that I am like that. I don't know if there is something wrong with me. I want to understand him better, but I can't point where to start.  I wish I can tell you about the 3 rings I put on my right ring finger. Do people think that I am committed coz I have them right there? One is a bron...