Life of a Kat

 A day after Christmas.  My friend and I decided to go for an afternoon coffee/study at a coffee shop at the mall. She is studying for term tests and I am just cleaning up my downloads folder, checking on some admin work I had left on and browsing and so I started writing.  It always feels good to be just like this. Being able to write about life and all.  I miss home.  Last night, I wasn't really on my best self when my siblings called up and they had to drop the call and let me be. And today, I just did morning errands, laundry and of course, shopping of stuff that I don't really need.   I am contemplating on buying an iPad and an iPhone. An iPhone because the current one I am using has very bad battery life. I bought it second hand a year ago just for storage of photos and videos that had been doing for my ropeflow practice and training.  An iPad for more portability and lesser use of paper but still be able to write with the pen-and-paper-like...

Nursing colds for more than a week now and just glad that its a long break from work and having some time to rest and do those things that I had missed doing for quite some time now.  I haven't done yoga, or exercise and I look forward to doing all that tomorrow for a kickstart and have it as a part of the daily routines as usual.  A friend is staying with me for the holidays and it feels good to not feel lonely on these cold days and having someone to talk to about life and plans for the day and sharing spaces and meals and laughing almost the entire day. 

Halu! Just finished with the laundy and about to take it for a dry spin but before that I was able to eat a heavy breakfast, and do an hour of lecture in edx.org about leadership. I also had to send an inquiry email about my desire to get back on track with my graduate school current program chair. I apparently had sent it to a different person.  For now, here's whats gonna happen for this morngin: Drop off the laundry for spin, go to the back for deposits.  Ask about the reservation of the coworking space. Create invoice for a private lessons that had been unpaid. Clean the house. Telephone booth drill as warm up and then 30-min workout before shower  Nap go to work  Go to the newly-arrived girls' flat to drop off some basic stuff.  Go home. Read again. Sleep well.  Ofcourse, tell the people I care about that I love them so much.  And off we go for the day it will be.  I still have flights and schedules to finalise for my upcoming holiday in the ...

Final month for 2022 and I don't know what else to say about it for now.  31 days to go to make the best out of 2022, I should say, right?  So today, I'll have a pre-lunch date with tita to change the tires of Blue, go to the immigration office to pick up my renwed visa extension request and drop off the stuff to the new girls' house, hoping they can still use most of it.  I am not sure about the tire change as of now coz tita is most likely still asleep.  Okie. Will let the ball start rolling so I can take that afternoon nap later. 

 Today was a good day.  Good breakfast. Good conversations.  Me Time.  Work Time.  Cleaning Time. 

Where do you begin with seeking new beginnings?  Nope, I am not brokehearted. I am just ... feeling stuck again and again and I can't stop feeling as if my life has lost its meaning. I just keep looking at pictures from years ago with lots of adventures, trips here and there and encounters.  Let's say that I am on Day 2 of my period cycle and anxiety hit me and here I am now.  There are so many things I still want to do and here I am, I feel like I dont have much time left but I don't even know where to begin with all of it.  Maybe to begin with, I always wanted to be involved with something related to education. I actually enjoyed doing that lecture video for the teachers in our island school. Maybe, maybe I should start there.  I am waiting for the delivery guy but I feel like he is in his rebellious state that he would really wanna pop up in front of my doorstep last minute and I would be wasting a lot of hours of the day for nothing.  Tomorrow is day of...

 Hi Self, how have you been?  I had to take a long drive the other night because I had to pick up my lost wallet at the police station.  Then today, I am up early, had an attempt at a 30-min ab workout which I loved and so I am going to do a 30 min workout daily.  I am looking forward to building a lifestyle that isn't really much, but definitely enough to get me with my daily tasks and long term plans.  This is how I like my days to go:  Wake up. Read Daily Devotion Booklet.  Pray.  Make the bed. Drink a glass of water.  Greet my partner a good morning.  Lay down my yoga mat.  Workout for 30 minutes.  Breakfast. Wash the dishes.  Play the piano for 30-45 mins.  Clean the house.  Check my laptop for to do tasks for the island school, thesis-writing and other academic commitments. Check calendar for daily schedules.  Laundry.  Prep lunch.  Take a nap.  Prep for work.  Work.  Go home....

 I am not really sure if I am making any progress.  But I am still working on those little things that I believe could make the project complete.  I am sooooo easily distracted. Help me not to be. 

 It has been a long day. I started this entry as I became distracted with writing for next week's teacher training program with the big goal of improving their teaching styles and techniques. I wish I had started this project a long time ago. But I am also happy that I started this one now. It will still be a long way to go, my overthinking brain has this habit of impaling my systems and not be able to function well, it is such a tough inner battle.  I am not even sure if what I am writing right now has coherence, I just want to write. I wish that everytime I feel like I wanna write something, I can write it right away. It isn't just possible. I guess, it is also not advisable.  Writing needs reflections. I am restoring the habit of writing and reflecting at the same time.  I see myself every night in front of my laptop typing away my thoughts, my plans, my visions and achievements be it big or small.  Today I have done a lot of tiny steps about everything about...

 It's the start of the good days. Not because the past days were bad. Actually, life recently had been exciting. I visited my family and a friend in Sydney, Australia. Before I left and when I came back, I am having this budding relationship with someone which we have decided to take to the next level. Fast tracked as it may seem, but I do appreciate the conversations we have whenever we or at least me wants to clarify something, want to happen or just really be truthful.  I have recently gained almost 4 kgs of weight and it is honestly, bothering. I can already feel my clothes so tight, my movement becoming sluggish and just not really confident about myself.  For one, if I don't fit on my current clothes, it would mean that I need to buy new ones and with the recent swiping spree I had made with my card, I am not in a position to do big clothes purchases. If it's a size smaller, probably, I would be happy.  Also, with the weight gain, my movement, my back, had just...

 I am back from Sydney, Australia and just waiting for my 1420 flight back to Miyazaki. I should have booked an earlier flight but my decision-making skills lately are not at their finest and it is okay. 

"... ako naman yung safe place mo."  This person is leaving me speechless again and again. I would like to think that was quite a bold offer. To feel adequate enough to offer oneself as comfort for another person, I don't know where he gets the courage to speak it out loud. After all, the only thing we can offer the world or another person, is ourselves, might as well be bold and brave and hopefully committed to it.  As we take a walk after a long tiring day at work, then sat down by the river bay with convenience store food, asked about each other's days and just sat there quiet, in my head, I have been composing about an essay of how I was feeling that time.  The full moon lit up the sky and its reflection is on the flowing river, a long stick of white light cutting the water in the middle as it glitters back the light and reflects on the surface, it was calm and peaceful.  The kind of calm and peace that you wish would never end. That kind where there was no fear ...

 Thought I'll do some scattered brain spill tonight.  After a very calm date night by the river under a waxing gibbous moon and a before bedtime conversation with the family.  As of now, the only reason I am online is for this blog entry and restraining myself to open my social media accounts to check on messages.  I told my mom that I might have a boyfriend soon but I am not sure. Her response was:  "Ikaw bahala, ikaw naman makikisama dyan, habang buhay."  "Ma, nakakatakot naman yang sagot mo, boyfriend lang naman to."  But it dawned on me also that her statement is kinda true. As commented by my youngest sister, I am not getting any younger and what else is there to do, but to invest feelings on someone that would be for a lifetime partnership.  I don't know how to describe this feeling and experience but if I would take a look back, this kind of encounter is what I dreamed of.  I dreamed of a man who would have that sense of humor to keep ...

 We are now on the -ber months!  Enjoying slower days ahead and I need to get back on my morning workouts, ropes and studying too :) Quite excited about it.  I am currently having this consistent communication and company with someone and I am working on being more outspoken in a nice way and with the aim of growth on how I see our budding friendship could go forward.  At this point, I could say that I am in a happy state of being. 

 I had a breakdown last night.  I got home with all my stuff from the recent work and camping trip scattered on the floor, the kitchen filled with dinnerware needing to be washed, piled up dirty clothes on another side, I haven't had enough sleep from last night's camping location, the hangover from a fun night jam at a Filipino restaurant, I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried going to bed and then I just started sobbing.  What's different about last night was, I had a friend come and helped me out clean the room, clear the floor, comfort me and hugged me.  The hug felt good. It was warm. His arms around me made me feel so tired yet safe. I cried a bit more. I didn't wanna let go, but I know that I had to its late and he had to go home and sleep to be able to work the next day. And if he hadcstayed a little bit longer, we both would regret what happens next. I'm glad he left right away.  I thought I will be able to sleep. It looked like I did but I would wak...

 It is 1:39 AM as I type this away.  I had gone to bed at midnight, abruptly cutting all conversations so I can stick with the 12 night cap, but here I am still wide awake and hoping that after this blog entry, I would be able to fall asleep.  July 2022 felt like a very long month that suddenly ended and then August came and now, just about to leave.  I don't even know why I stopped sitting down before bedtime to write about my days and my thoughts. Maybe at some point, I would like to admit that it felt like days were happy days. There were stressful moments as usual, like my car popping up with the maintenance icon telling me I need to see my car mechanic. The icon would appear and then would be gone. It drives me nuts. It drove nuts twice already. LOL.  I think the reason why I couldn't sleep was because I didn't properly eat dinner. So, here I am, now just eating dinner. LOL.  I have met new friends in July and been in constant contact with them and Miy...

I obviously didn't take time to reflect on how my July had gone and here I am almost mid August and I havent thought of updating my shattered thoughts as well.  I really should get back to it. 

 It's my brother's birthday today!  I know I haven't been journaling more regularly recently because life drifted me away from my priorities.  I still got sore throat but I have no more fever. I have no COVID. Thank God.  I vow to keep routines in place and in check and hopefully that would keep my life flow smoothly and more healthy.  A few more days and it's my birthday season! 

As much as you try to keep it all together, there will always need to be a time to let it all out and let the tears flow.  Today is one of those days. It's gonna be weird to tell people that I am having anxiety attacks at the moment that it is happening, so I'll just write it down.  The anxiety of not being the one chosen, being left behind, alone and that sudden bouts of sadness that suddenly springs out of nowhere.  I'll just let myself calm down for now. 

 Time check: 12:10AM 19 July Way past bedtime but I would just like to note how my day had gone.  It had been smooth and just calm.  Work in the morning.  A bit of shopping for cushions in the car and in my table at home.  Decided to throw away more stuff on Thursday and can definitely feel how liberating that will feel. HAHA  Totally needing to throw away more stuff just because I still need a lot of space to claim.  I need to sell my books so I can earn money, clear my space and just keep on decluttering.  I need to read more books.  My thesis writing will have a kickstart this year, no matter what.  My dream of creating a school will also start this year.  As for dating, well, ask me another day.  I am still longing to go home to someone and just talk about my day.  Tomorrow, the ball starts rolling again.  Just because you're lonely doesnt give you the right to deprive yourself of pursuing your dreams. 

I haven't been really taking time to just sit down and do nothing. My mind has been wandering all over places and people and thoughts and the next thing I know, I haven't really accomplished much. This morning felt a bit better after a stretch exercise, and then I had also gone out for more ropes and a meeting. It was nice.  Then a notice in my inbox about my recently manifestation for an international trip, arrived. My Australian Visitor Visa has been granted :) Preparing all the documents for application was quite a journey which I thought has no end. But eventually, I was able to submit my application and today, with full on giggles, I am excited, imagining the long flight that I will be taking, the airport layovers and the musings this trip will have for me.  Will be booking the flight and eventually will figure out ways  to responsibly manage funds as the flight schedule comes closer and closer.  Taking time to figure things out, one step at a time. 

 The day went by and I bought a lot of stuff.  It had been a day of impulsive buying and I just need to calm myself down.  But here's today's highlight:  Forever grateful for sisters and siblings. ❤️

 No matter how tired I am today. I am just gonna write as much as I can about today.  The Bousai Camp is back and I joined the Sunday event. I dragged my friend with me and I thought she will just be fine but I actually didn't consider a lot of things like the full schedule, things to do, what to bring and other things she might want to consider since its the only day off the week we got and she has a husband to come home to and not single like me. Next time.  For me, I was happy and just grateful that we were able to drive back home safely.  I started watching the new epis of Stranger Things but I cant concentrate so I will just re-watch when I am recovered.  I certainly miss the Sundays that I spend on Zoom but today was a good break from the tech.  Typhoon here we go. As long as there will be no thunderstorm and lightning, I probably will be fine. 

 Half of 2022 is wrapping up!  How time flies. I am on my 2 and a half year of hiatus from Graduate school and I am not sure if I would still be able to pick myself up and resume. I still pray for it. That I get to finish this course, get that title and be over and done with it or get it somewhere else. I still need to figure out my ways and eventual family life plans. I still see myself getting married and wanting to have kids of my own, you know.  Bouts of anxiety here and there but I am glad to report that I am still fairly alive and functioning, fulfilling my commitments and every day, I try to figure out how to best live this life that I have.  I wish I could hug a human being on a regular basis. It is such a rare commodity right now. And being choosy that I am, I know that it isn't an easy thing to do.  Hmm.. I am still having a hard time trying to figure out how to shorten my presentation for July, but I will get there. I am happy to say that I am on my w...

 I started my slides for the upcoming presentation about the Philippines. It is set to be on 31st of July, but I need to be able to talk to the person in charge on Saturday about the flow of the presentation, thats why I need to come up with the content and preferrable narrative by Saturday. I realize that at some level, I am an obliger type of person. I need deadlines, I need people relying on me and I need to be notably accountable so I can work on something.  Happy to be able to get started with the writing, and slowly fill it in by tomorrow I hope before I do my ropes and maybe some roller blades as well if I feel like going under the heat of the sun. LOL.  I haven't scouted surfboard to buy at all but if I want to be go surfing I know that I would need to get one soon.  Midweek hump is on.  I had one of those days that I had to spend a long at work, I mean at the work that pays the bill and I am not used to it. I'm grateful for this job, the time and the ar...

 And that is Sunday for you.  I can't believe it is over now.  Was able to go for basic skate practice in the morning. Less than an hour but it was fun.  The usual morning zoom session went by, and glad that after 2 more sessions, we will be taking a break which means I would have some free time in Sunday mornings for more fun stuff to work on.  Afternoon zoom session was quite heavy and we actually got extended and the next homework is a bit heavy and need to be dealt with, chunk by chunk for the entire week.  I have a slideshow show to curate for my upcoming presentation and I am confident that I will get it done coz I have no choice on it anyway.  Glad to meet two new amazing people today through my coworker whom I think I have spent more time with than I had spent time with N when she was still here.  No discord sessions with sisters tonight coz I was out til late, but we will definitely catch up another Discord sessions.  Grateful for to...

 I just wanna let you know that I cried after a 4-hour battle with the bank for a bank statement that I need for an application. I am so sorry for being such an impatient client and I just dont understand how things had been going on. I just dont.  But here's to hoping that its worth all the tears and time spent and hope not to be on that kind of situation again. 

 Quite a long day and tomorrow will be like that again.  My sisters had been working on a lot of stuff back home and I wish I could join in as well.  I just got my GCash account and it still needs verification so that means I would need to upload info and other data into it. But I'll take care of that on another day. One at a time.  I need to get my presentation draft moved to a powerpoint draft and I'll work on that this weekend.  So many things to accomplish. So little time.  Over all, I am grateful.  I am still at the phase that I am sad coz things just fell apart like that and I don't know why but it is, what it is. I still cry at the thought of it, but this is just one of the few guys I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with and it has to end. I dont think I have a choice on making sure that I am better at this dating game the next time around. 

 I'm feeling a little bit better today. Still with cramps, crunching pain in the neck, the corner of my knee joints and my heart is in constant pain.  Time will really just come that you'll learn to accept them as they are. You realize that there is no point into seeking for more details to convince as it just add up to more sadness and pain and eventual hopelessness and that isn't what I want.  Also, I may have lead on myself into the situation and it beought me where I am right now. Still, it was quite an experience I hope not to put myself into again.  If anyone could read this and compare how my compositions are in my active social media accounts, they prolly would think I'm crazy, or such a drama queen. But I've come to accept that my feelings, whatever they are, they are valid. As long as I am able to deliver and express in good faith, I think it will lead to something such as freedom from all the fears I have created, freedom in truth and freedom to face the ...

It is Summer Solstice of 2022, the longest day of the year. For me, it is one of those days that I am so eager to end and when I wake up the next day, I wish I feel better.  I woke up with very bad pains in the neck part and shoulders are so stiff that if I move, it creates that twisting and crushing pain and I am scared that I might break my own neck if I force it to move further. Shoulders feel so heavy, I feel like I am having a fever and all I wanna do is sleep my way into life and wake up back to normal.  Except for some piano playing and nicely plating my meals, I had not done anything that is in my routine.  With that, I was wishing for someone I can just say that I am having a bad day and I am in pain. So, I just write it here. Then, when I read back in the future and read this again, I pray I am not alone anymore. or if I am still alone, I hope that I am in a healthy state of being.  I wanted to describe exactly the kind of discomforts I am having inside of ...

 It rained almost all day but glad that I had been able to accomplish a lot of things, apart from getting a haircut with the bangs and having my haircolor go a bit darker this summer season.  I was able to practice hula hoop and piano and it was nice.  I did ropeflow in puddle today. It was fun.  I started answering my Green Worknook. It was quite a task. And I am not yet done. I have to start writing lotsa lesson plans in the coming days and that should keep me away from online streaming for a reasonable amount of time on a daily basis. I need to go back to a writing/reading morning routine.  But all good and I am going to bed now. Or maybe I will post my puddle ropeflow for today just for the record that I tried or maybe also do a quick piano rundown drill of what I am learning for the week. I'll do both.  Good night. 

 I made through today. I'm still here and typing this. Something so wrong with me for not liking the older classes I have today. Hayst.  Other than that, I am so sleepy right now and I'm ready to go to sleep after this.  I have been wanting to go karaoke but I just cant seem to find the time to do so. I know I can do it alone too. Maybe one of these days. For now, I just do my singing in the car at a stoplighg and when the song is a song I like.  Hanging out of discord's voice channel with my sisters had just been so convenient too. Lol. I just leave and then a voice posp in and as if we are home together as I go about my chores and we chat. It is nice.  Also, I am learning Bless The Broken Road on piano. I hope I get to do it right. Also, I have Carole King's So Far Away on Queue! I have a lot to practice on 😅😂 At least, I have a few things I can work on eventually.  I dont know if my blabber makes anymore sense coz I am already so sleepy. Goodnight....

 I got back to archery today! It was fun. Though I know that the staff found it weird that I do it alone, I can't do anything about it.  But I'm happy to be able to do it again. My skills hasn't improved in any way at all. Haha.  Other than that, things were okay in the job. I survived today.  After this entry, I'm gonna go back to reading Norse Mythology. Can you imagine? I started that a month sgo and I'm still on it. Bu now, I should have been done with it. But I'll get there.  Good night Friday. Tomorrow is gonna be a crazy day, So Help Me God. 

 Today has been one of those long days. But good. Something to be grateful for.  Morning rolled with the ropes, meal preps and some documents needed for an upcoming vacation that has always been a dream and hopefully, when I get these things lodged correctly, I will be able to experience it, as I deserve it.  Writing this down with that feeling of just wanting to just spend time on the floor rolling and just stay there and no more bathing before bed. LOL.  Big No No.  Good night. Universe, thank you for all the feelings I am able to feel, the longing, the joy, the fatigue, the feeling of being alive. 

 Today was quite a day of unloading and I'm proud of myself I was able to do it.  With that, I cried all day.  I would like to be angry but I didn't. I think I did just fine.  Letting go of things and people that aren't meant to stay is what needs to be done.  I was tied with the idea of him having that image I longed for... that he was the one I prayed for. But I was wrong.  I miss him and if he does something to come back I'd probably be just running towards him and will take him and we all know thats  impossible. He is just not really interested and not into me. My being interesting to him is done. My feelings for him should be that same too. 

 It's Sunday. 124th Philippine Independence Day and I'm just so tired. Life rolled from Monday til today. I didn't really have a decent rest and I look forward to that tomorrow.  People think I got my shit together always, deep down, I am such a mess trying to keep shit together. Sometimes, it works, sometimes, it doesn't.  Today, as those titas knew that I am single, they are more than ready to tell every guy that came to the booth that I am single and ready to mingle. Haha. Funny as if may seem, they were the same people who remind me to simply enjoy life and who and what is meant to be will come in the right time.  Also today's Step Study reminded me about God is always interested in my life and He is eternally faithful.  That was quite a week of events. Calling it a wrap and as much as I wanna go for Archery tomorrow, I don't think I can coz its gonna rain. 

 Felt like dressing up this morning. So, I did.  Good thing I treated myself to a good date coz the next hours after that had just been crazy.  A meeting with a company that had asked if they can add me on Facebook, lead me to activate my online profile that had been quiet for a month since PH election. But I just decided to log it out of the system and since then, I had no urge to check it.  Then work took over, a bunch of hyper kids and investments had to be retold coz they seem to have forgotten why they are on the classroom.  But all is well, just taking time to take a nap and be back on the road and I'm supposed to be off tomorrow but I gotta go to work coz one of my colleague isnt well to cover her classes tomorrow.  But I am not spoiling the good morning I had spent with myself today.  The last date I had was in Tokyo, at TeamLabs, but after that, I honestly felt like I was left high and dry.  This is the best date so far, with me, myself a...

Thinking of getting a haircut coz the ends of my hair strands are so dry and the strands itself are dry :(  But today had been a good day. But not really with today's classes. I feel like I had underperformed but totally had chill and fun time with the kids.  Will just make up for it on another day with them.  Last meeting in tomorrow morning and then new tasks and actions on summer plans.  Ready for bedtime reading. I should have been done with this Norse Myth book by now.  Here's me thinking I'm cute and I hope it deletes itself. Lol  

 Today is Wednesday.  And I can still feel my shoulders so stiff and the tingling feeling on my lower back being in pain.  Had a lot of things done today though. Despite the laziness. I was feeling so lazy the whole day that I had to drag myself to do things that I had planned to do. A couple of meetings for work and then the work itself and I had to call it a day.  I feel like wanting to stretch my body more but I also feel that I need to really just treat it more kindly and let the pain subside on its own.  After this, Im gonna be making a phone call to catch up with my bestie about life, her diagnosed carpal tunnel syndrome and life in general.  Thank You, Lord for today. It was calm, boring and just had to do the little things that would definitely help to fulfill the bigger goals. 

 Slow Sunday it had been.  Just me and two therapy sessions and a lot of Instagram engagements for the recital pieces for Rope Flow. All I did was stay home. So proud of not having the urge to step out of the door and go somewhere. Well, its rainy too. So, it wasn't an ideal day to go out. Well, I could have at least gone to the grocery store but I didn't.  Also, did a bit of cleaning here and there, not so much tossing of stuff but I did toss stuff I don't think I'll ever have a use of.  Planning on tossing more stuff soon and I am just excited to claim more space and be more minimimalistic and functional in making use of things and spaces.  Here's to Hope that things are gonna get better. Here's to Hope in the name of Jesus that I had always known and had taken for granted.  Pray, journal, devotion and more prayers. To a life of earth filled with blessings and abundance and of course, love. 

So tired for this week. I swear, I don't think I can even take the shower but I am certainly not going to bed without taking a shower.  Life has been pretty boring, but not really dull, feels like I haven't really been making any progress in anything, but as my sister had mentioned, I should always be grateful that I am alive. 

I was supposed to journal last night but I got caught up in a conversation with a uni classmate about research and all other things.  Today is the 2nd of June, and here I am, I would like to talk about my day. I was kinda worried that it won't go well coz I didn't get much sleep last night, but it felt like it still did. I'm just thankful for that. I didn't get to snap on any of the kids in the class, nor did have any worse comment about my teaching today. Coz yes, I got a surprise visit from my boss. Of all days it could have occurred, it happened on a day that I was so worried that I might not really be good in front of the kids. But thankfully, I did.  Still had a lot of tasks left undone today and gotta work on them tomorrow.  If I really have to live the rest of my life alone, I might as well stop chasing people who doesn't wanna be with me. and just learn to really appreciate life being alone. But it doesn't stop the inner heart from wishing, right?  After...

I had always dreamed of having a boudoir photoshoot, in sillohuette, black and white and all white. You know that kind of shoot that is full of seductiveness wrapped in sultriness, finesse and everything that shouts of paradox with the elements of wholesomeness.  Was just getting ready for work that as I put on my under garments, I noticed that I am in all white and the hair being down felt sexy and pretty me. I am just happy where my body physique is at right now and all the choices I have made to get into this shape. Still a lot of fats to handle and juggle and burn, but for now, this is a me to celebrate.  The sink at the background ruined all the mood. Lol

 Look at that! It's end of May already.  Then, the year would end I am still sad and lonely. Haist. I dont even know where this feeling is coming from.  Today had been calm.  Backpains due to menstrual cramps but I was able to survive the day. 

 I cant believe it is already 11pm here as I write this down. I am actually tired for the day, but I'd still wanna write it down. Just for the sake of having that feeling of being to speak to someone about how exhausting the day had been, but satisfyingly exhausting.  How truly satisfying and freeing it is to just spill out the feeling and being vulnerable. You know feeling of wishing to come home to someone and talk to about how the day had gone and all that comes with it.  I am on the second day of my period so I know that this emotionally-filled vent out is influenced by hormones as well.  D hasn't reached out and most likely he will never will again from this day forward. Who knows he might not give me access to his online streaming platform anymore as well, anytime soon. I would understand that. But I hope he wouldn't cut me out from it. LOL. Such a user I am. I know. You can judge me on that one.  I started watching this TV series called Chef's Table and i...

I submitted the Written Assignment without any confidence that I might get into it.  I am not keeping my hopes up, but I am also excited to see the findings of this specific research project, to be honest.  All I keep telling myself is...  "....at least I tried."  If this is the end for this attempt, and so let me close it with at least an opportunity to try. Not a lot of people got included on the first round of eliminations. I got in there.  I am so emotional and I am still hanging on the thoughts of him and wishing that things were different and were in favor of my feelings and longing for him. But if it isnt really meant to be, here is me, still alive and in the spirit of Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You, at least I am still here and trying. Or at least, I tried. As to when I will ever feel happy on this department of life, ever again, I have no idea.  I just really have to re-channel my thoughts on other aspects of my life that are really doing we...

 Quite a productive day today, I would like to think.  The draft I had written the other night and continued early this morning, seem to be taking shape into a research proposal. I hope. I am not really setting my hopes high to be included in this project, but I would like to give it a try and build relationship with the organization coz for sure they have other education-related projects that I can get involved with in the future.  It is actually payday today and I was able to do some check and balance on my funding and hopefully, I get to be more financially-stable onwards.  I had a conversation with D today, I was hoping for it to be long enough, but it didn't. He promised to call again but never did get through and when he sent a message, its already late and I am on work mode and has a headache and its bedtime and all other reasons. It breaks my heart, again and again.  I just wish I have the courage to ask and so I can get the answer and respond to it appr...

 I was just staring at the Written Assignment for the entire time. Tried to work on some outlines for the first few questions and then I had to call it a wrap for the night.  I got started. I picked it up and meant to know how far I could be on it until the deadline on the 27th.  It will be a waste to not give it a try.  After this, I still have other presentations to work on and that should be able to help me re-focus my attention and pick up my love for writing and public speaking.  I miss home. I wanna go home and hug my family, our dogs, just lay on that wooden, makeshift bed frame we forcefully fit ourselves into. Our dusty floors, the broken and holed walls, the dilapidated roofings and everything else I had always wanted to be pulled out from, all the reminders of being poor and underprivileged. But I wanna be back home, to that very same place, coz until now, thats where my family lives and as much as we wanna be in a hurry to build a better home, it isn...

 I still haven't written the research proposal. It is still all in my head. But wait, I would like to be proud of myself today for accomplishing a lot of things, from hobbies to relaxing to tasks and chores and making sure that things are done.  I had already sealed the care package for home.  I moved out the trash.  I did groceries and will be cooking tomorrow. Groceries were done.  Menu for until there are still stuff on the fridge are decided, in my head. LOL.  I will slowly start working on the paper work. I need to take a break from the Ozarks for now.  Life has been calm and just going today. Aside from the car wash that didn't really happen, a lot of stuff had been done today :D  Will pick up on the Rope Flow Recital piece and have it posted on June 5th :D  Good night for now.

I am having anxiety attacks again. I checked and I am 4 days away from my expected time of the month. I am craving for a lot of salty food, ice cream, cake, ramen, rice and just all the food I could think of.  On an occasion like this, I usually just wanna curl up in bed and do nothing but scroll on my phone and maybe message someone whom I thought would ease all the anxiety. But I know that I am more mature now and had stronger hold on my willpower to manage my emotions and my actions.  I have learned not to chase people who ran away. To live life in the most grateful way I could think of, to move my body, to work on things that I am passionate about, to keep writing for myself, taking pictures for myself and just really taking care of myself so I can be able to service to others, after all, I have taxes to pay and other unfulfilled ambitions just yet.  I am in one of those days again trying to keep myself above water, it is temporary, but it can really be inwardly, excr...

Tuesday started really early coz I know that going to the bank will eat up so much time. So much time that I might have enough time to cry out of being frustrated.  Except for the crying part, everything had gone well. I was also able to ship a basic rope to my friend so he can learn ropeflow too.  My orb poi arrived and I am so excited to learn it. HAHA. I was able to find a whole playlist on youtube and will get into it as much as I can :D  I cant believe it is Wednesday already tomorrow and I feel like I haven't really accomplished much. Though I know that I have tried.  Still a lot of things to declutter. Declutter will probably be my lifetime goal. LOL.  Grateful for a Tuesday and ending it with a conversation with my sister asking if she should send me shorts coz I was walking around my apartment just in my undies and very thin, sleeveless top.  Hey! I am about to sleep :P  Good night. 

​Nothing significant happened today. Oh well, it had been that ideal routinary day for me, actually.  The happy kind of a boring day.  I woke up early, I made a mistake of going back to bed, I know, its a mistake and so, I was 20mins late to start the day.  Instead of starting Youtube for Live News Stream, I opted to play some yoga beats for background music.  I actually made a very decent breakfast of longganisa, scrambled egg and toasted bread. Quick read at Brainpickings and decided to clean the kitchen sink and vowed to keep it clean every time. It is getting hotter so everywhere is susceptible for bugs and other tormenting insects and I would like to avoid that.  Morning private class was a very good conversation about political comparisons between PH and JP.  Quick errands and of course, a roll of the rope at the park before I took a rest for later afternoon work that pays the bills.  I went home and did more kitchen cleaning and checked on the b...

I didn't realize that it is Friday the 13th until I started teaching this afternoon and love for horror films that I used to have.  So, I would like to keep the morning 30-minute workout daily routine. I was able to get a kickstart this morning and I love it.  I went to that lunch place for a plate of sushi and fish stew that I always wonder how they cook, except for rice, I finished everything up. I am cutting on the rice intake coz I am getting other carb intake from all the bread and pastries around. Haha. Today was one of those rare events that I really feel tired and beaten up after work. The kids were just happily genki and I couldn't keep up. And the drive back home is a bit scary due to the heavy rain so I will just stay the night, wake up early and go home. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but the universe has other plans for me. This is the first time that I had to stay in the hotel from Monday to Saturday, straight.  I'll try to read a few pages...

 I am typing this with the toothbrush still on my mouth. LOL.  Today was kinda typical and less heated in conversations about politics and the Philippine election. There are times, that as I reflect on my conversations that I question myself if I had fallen delusional and fanatic? But no. I am just one of those who had been so hopeful and had gotten a broken heart. Sleeping and ready for bed as I have  quick check in with my siblings.  Starting tomorrow with a workout. I will just have to do it.   

 I deactivated my facebook account a few hours ago without any intention of getting back to it soon. I really hope I would be able to stand my ground about this decision.  It has been total chaos. I couldn't stomach it. I couldn't stand it.  My father voted for the son of a dictator, a fake-diploma holder and a tax evader and the only consolation I hold for that is his integrity. My father wouldn't stand by his choices without probable cause and justifiable reasons. I admire him so much for that, thus, I am really hoping that they might be right, and we might be wrong.  My sisters and cousins took our rants to the Discord group for debriefing and I am so grateful for that.  I started to re-read Offline, a book of collections of studies about how smartphones, social media and technology altogether is hacking our brains. Coz since yesterday, that's what I have been feeling.  I took a long bath, washed my hair, did my evening skin routine, and now, sipping mil...

Give me time to grieve coz for the nth time, my bet for the presidential election didn't win.  But this time, the 3rd heartbreak is just too much to handle. I have never been this hopeful and invested to my motherland. And if you don't understand that, that's okay. You don't have to, just allow me grieve for the time being.  You will never understand how deep the heartbreak coz I can't even explain myself how much hope I have invested on this one.  I am not asking you to understand. I am just asking you to let me be. After all, the world doesn't stop spinning with this loss. I still have a job to do, bills to pay, a family that loves me and a future to fulfill, a company to start up.  With respect to democracy and the choice of the many, we will heal our wounded spirits and hold forth of the promise of a better and truthful future as our legacy to those who will come after us. We will continue to write a history that doesn't need revisions. 

Happy Mother's Day today! I thought I would just be staying home and working on decluttering but I had made other plans. A couple of long zoom calls and separate meet ups for lunch and afternoon walk, I am writing this surrounded by still an unorganized apartment and a box still not full but needed to be filled and sealed to get to the destination.  It was nice to get to know my co-worker and not talk about work. She was nice and I really appreciate that when Nika left, she has been replaced by her. They both are so funny and artsy and if they were both here still, we probably be having a blast whenever we are together.  The Okinawa transfer is still on the table and we just need to make sure or I need to make sure that I am sure about wanting to be transferred. Which I am sure of.  Also, my obsessions with seeing a panda and its cuteness is over the top lately.  My Top 5 Values  This was the session I missed when I flew to Tokyo last month. So for this cycle, I...

 Here's a list of things I think I deserve but not just now. HAHAHA I watched just one KDrama and I can't stop wishing for a ..... I really wanna see real life pandas somewhere and ride the helicopter to Mt. Aso to see the crater.  Hopefully be able to travel to Australia as well to spend time with my niece.  I can't think of anything else since I have been working on full-on decluttering project and it is just but right to slowly get rid of things I don't really need at the moment.  My micro apartment is slowly becoming more spacious and gives out more space to breathe and I couldn't be happier for it. Trying to remind myself of delayed gratification and all the perks of responsible adulthood.  

 Just like that... the 7-day holiday is finished. I would have been so dead tired from a trip back from the Philippines and homesickness will kick in a few days after.  But instead, I had just gone driving for the past few days, almost 700kms- two prefectures visited and 3 friends I had gone to reconnect. It had been so much fun getting to know and connecting deeper to these people whom I know I would love to make deeper friendships with.  But we all know that nothing beats having to bond with the family and the little things that make us genuinely happy.  I finally had the chance to complete watching He's Just Not that Into You and I couldn't stop crying. I am so Gigi in that film but I haven't found my Alex yet. Or at least my Alex hasn't figured out that I am his Gigi. For now, I just gotta live my life as it is. That would be the best decision I could give myself.  I wish I can say more. When I get to recover those sleep, I definitely would be able to expres...

 Started the day with a drive up to 1000meters above sea level, sunrise and all. Went down to the conbini for breakfast. Strawberry-picking for dessert. Late lunch of home delivery of pizza. Geared up to drive to Fukuoka to see the latest craze in town of that humungous Gundam robot and had dinner somewhere in the city with tons of laughs. I am so tired but I am happy. Grateful beyond measure. 

I haven't journaled in 2 days. Not that I have no time to write, but I just didn't feel like doing it.  Today, I'm going for a long drive to meet one of the very first friends I had made in Miyazaki. I'm quite excited. I hope my car is okay. I haven't had it for a check for months now and hopefully it is all okay.  I hope this Golden Week goes well. I pray. 

Life rolled in and rolled off today.  Morning tasks and mundane chores.  Capping the day with a glass of beer and conversations about failed dating and hopeless romanticism.  Aiming for sunrise flow tomorrow. 

 Day 10 of 10 Work Week  I survived or I had lived? It was quite a roller coaster ride of 10 days, mainly because I had to work for 10 days straight and it kinda rocked my routines but was still able to pull through with things and deadlines.  I just got home from a long drive from Kanoya. I was also on a zoom call while on the road, and it was quite a tedious coz the discussion weren't so simple. I hope not to do it again. I think that was what really exhausted my energy. Lol But I'm glad to be in my own bed. Fudge. This was actually a bed bought by the guy who lead me on and didn't follow through. Lol. He bought me a very nice bed that I always look forward to sleeping on whenever I can. I wish I can sleep with him in this bed too. 😂  7 days holiday. Would have been nice to come home and surprise mama and papa and the whole family. 🥹 Good night.  Zzzzzzzz

 I ate a plateful of sushi tonight and drank a warm glass of milk. I am ready for bed. I still haven't submitted the resume for that researcher project opening. I am just not sure if I am fit for that. Though, the guide questions are already in place, all I gotta do is research and do the inquiries to the right people in my network. So tomorrow, I will submit a CV. Just to give it a try.  It will be in the season of Summer School but hopefully it will be a good distraction and diversion of energy as I try to disentangle myself from the thoughts of being lead on by a guy who probably is bored to death with his life and found me as a clown to entertain him.  I haven't felt this kind of feeling before against a guy. Either due to the low number of dates I had gone all my life or I am just simply dumb that I had no clear view of the guy's intention and certainly ignored the red flags. Or it could just be me trying to take things to the fast lane.  Oh well, I am here and ...

 It's 2AM and I woke up from a very bad dream. How do you stop unhelpful thoughts from haunting you? How do you stop of thinking of people that hurt you? How do you stop caring? How do you learn to ride the wave of lies and pretend that you're just cool with everything, the ignoring and the cheating that you don't intend to be part of?  I am so hurt right now that I couldn't even sleep.

I thought I will be able to do drills today but not at all. Morning was spent cleaning and cleaning and trying declutter and packing for a week-long work trip.  Had to also take extra half an hour for tire rotation as well.  Our island school received an award of appreciation from the local education office for its efforts during the fresh days of the aftermath of Typhoon Odette in the island. I cried. I was so happy and proud to be part of the efforts.  I am liking this daily journaling habit that I had built.  Long drive today to my usual work destination of Kanoya :)  Prep of the retouch stage of my microbladed eyebrow tonight

 How do I process today?  I'll just write it here coz I don't think it is fair to bug people on their weekend and most of them are really having a good time. They don't deserve to hear such an unfortunate event. After all, I am still alive and still here.  I just need to vent this out.  Today was make up lesson for a class the was cancelled last Saturday so I can cover for another set of lessons in a different location.  Aside from it is on a Sunday, it is also a 5-class day which is the heaviest load in the job. Also, after 3 classes, there is a 1.5 hour gap before the next two classes which were also comprised of very hyper kids.  There was this one kid who didn't wanna be in class, but he had to stay for two hours and on the second hour, he just acted crazy and started kicking stuff, taking away things and wanting to open the door which is a definite no-no for safety reasons. I think instead of winding down his emotions, it all flared up when I tried to ...

 I don't know how I was able to get up this morning and still managed to do some rope and poi drills and 3 minute plank.  Colored clothes laundered. Cleaned up a bit.  Floor polished.  Working building a one corner one use kinda of space to maximize habit formation and expulsion with the least effort exertion required.  What else can I say? I have been less anxious lately as I go over days of not having any conversations with somebody I thought I had a thing with.  I still haven't give up in the prayer that I would like to share the opportunity of growing old together with in life. For sure every now and then, I'm gonna have anxiety attacks but I will remember days like this one that I was able to got on with my day... happily tired and grateful.  Out of the blue, a friend of my messaged and said that I should start vlogging. Lol. I promised I'll try and post my ganaps for today but I obviously failed at it and this selfie vid was just an attempt to hu...

 My body is just sooooo tired today. I want. I need a massage 😩.  I knew I kinda will have crazy day and so I thought I'll take pic of myself before the weather, the meetings, the work, and this seemingly complicated life suck up all my energy for the day.  Don't mind the mess. Just tell me who did it better, me or the meow? 

Went to a bakery this morning and these tweets were there!   I only had to work 2 hours today.  Tomorrow, 4.5 hours.  Yes, My job is demanding. Lol.  I got to unlock some drills on the rope today and I couldn't be happier despite the throbbing muscles I have right now.  Decided to put a hold on taking trips this Golden Week. On a covid-free life, I would have booked a ticket by now :(  Still home sick and triggered, yet grateful for all the good things and people around me.  I miss home. 

 ...." date with an intention of marriage."  I would like to declare that when I go back to dating, I am going to date someone with an intention of marriage in mind.  As to when and who would that be... I have no idea. I intend to live my life in the moment, being grateful and of service to others and of meaningful actions.  In another story, I baked banana bread today. According to my sister, it is crispy banana bread and seems to be very dry as observed by my good friend.  Today was a well-spent day from morning til evening. I kinda closed it with catching up with a drunken friend and meeting new people in town and ending up taking my friend and his bike home to his wife. He was really wasted and all hopefully, tomorrow, when he wakes up and sober up, he would be able to recall what shitty things had happened to him. HAHA.  Readings in the early mornings. Flowings in the mid mornings. Prepping lunch.  Taking a nap. Going to work. Going back home to c...

 Will be heading to bed early tonight.  I haven't made any readings about grad school since Monday and I really should get going with it by tomorrow.  I was able to finish a Kdrama. As in legit finished one and I probably won't be delving into another one anytime soon considering the amount of time and lack of sleep it brought to me. HAHAHA Business Proposal really got into me. And I actually wanna go to Korea and visit those scene locations. The bridge, the park, the Christmas Tree Tower.  Tomorrow is another day. If I get to do readings in the mornings, I might consider doing archery after that. I have been wanting to go, its either rainy or I am lazy that I couldn't make it happen.  Hopefully this week, I can spare some time, given that I will be working 10 days straight.  Fun times. 

 What could I say about today?  Not totally out of routine but this has been a rare moment of binge-watching Kdrama for me.  I had always wanted to watch Business Proposal eversince I had read about it on my newsfeed. Today, I took the chance after a day of going around and now it is already 10pm.  Hahaha.. I couldn't catch the term of endearment for "babe" in Korean to think that I actually hate the word "babe" in English.  I had been trying to understand why people are so hooked on Korean drama and love series and maybe because of those "kilig moments" and tiny actions of affections that we internally wish a significant other would do and usually do and in real life were unappreciated by the receiver.  Only that at some level, the purity stance is overrated. But I'll take it.  Cheers to Monday. 

Good weather today. Thank you Lord.  You know how to calm my restless heart. Give me a heart still  hopeful that romantic love is something I deserve. Apart from your love.  I don't wanna die alone.